Flash

I woke up with a hot flash early this morning. I thought maybe I had experienced one or two before in the past year, but I wasn't sure; it wasn't so obvious. This woke me from a sound sleep. I had to peel back the covers. I was actually sweating. It didn't last long and I pulled the covers back up and went back to sleep. Menopause. Wow, isn't that what old women go through? Yeah, em, I can hear your response.

I know this is supposed to affect one emotionally. It's all pretty confusing whether it's "the change" or not. I'm thinking about balance a lot lately. I can look at the same situation at different times with different perspectives and feel glad, or mad, or sad (I'm not trying to sound like Dr. Suess here with all this rhyming) or enthusiastic or discouraged or a hundred other things, so which one it the truth? Is there such a thing as truth or, what may be termed, a healthy perspective? Should I disregard some feelings for others? If I do this am I manipulating my emotions or is this what everyone does to get by in this life and not get swamped with uncomfortable thoughts? I often feel the need to distract myself when I get all pushed around in these whirlwind musings. Avoidance? Probably.

I'm grateful for the emotions, the flashes of insight, fleeting though they are, and knowing that I have a few coping mechanisms when needed.

2008 has been a year of change and, as they say - the only real constant is change. I'm going to shut up now except to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

Shit, I need a new tranny but I saved a life!

My car has been making this fluttering noise that's gotten more and more noticeable. I take it to a local garage and they tell me that I need the transmission replaced. What!? I buy a reliable Honda with a stick because you're supposed to avoid this type of thing for a long time. So I take it somewhere else for a second opinion because they say the same thing about that's not usual with Honda's. But no, they make the same diagnosis.

I'm going to take it back to the first shop because he at least called me back when he said he would. The other place would say they'd call me back in a hour then I'd wait 2 1/2 and call them back myself. They'd say they wanted to check it another way and would get right back to me but, no, they still didn't. I just went and picked up the car and told them to call me when they had a price cause all they could say was "expensive."

So I guess this day was an example of the yin/yang principle. Yesterday was so productive and today, even the non-car stuff, was a bit like spinning my wheels - pun intended. But I stayed calm and chalked it up to "Dude, that's just the way life works sometimes." I'll be grateful today for patience.

I'm having fun playing the Trauma Center DS game I got for Christmas. Last night I successfully completed my third operation. I removed three tumors from my patients pancreas. It was touch and go there for awhile!

Good, Busy Day

I'm glad to have days like today where I'm really busy, get a bunch of crap done, and have a good attitude about it. I kept thinking about the saying "Life isn't a fire drill" and also that if you consciously relax instead of getting tense when you have a lot to do that you'll actually accomplish more. Well, it worked today anyway.

Talking about Roxrocks etc

em, eduardo and I went to see "Frost/Nixon" this afternoon. I really liked the movie. It was better than I expected. It elicited a very engaging conversation afterward that was as enjoyable as the movie. But I digress...

em and I were in line to get popcorn and I was telling her how nice it was today and how grateful I was to be able to open up my sliding glass door and let in some fresh air. em said she thought Rox would appreciate being able to do THAT right about now. We started talking about how cold it is in Rox's neck of the woods. I said that I had read -30 degrees Celsius and told em that that would be 2 degrees Fahrenheit since 32 F is freezing and 0 C is the freezing point in that system. She said no, that it would be even colder than -30 on the F scale. We were greatly amusing ourselves going back and forth for a bit then I asked the guy behind us if he wanted to weigh in on the subject. He'd been listening and he gave his opinion which seemed to support em's position. Then I looked at the woman ahead of us who was intently listening. I think she said that neither of our theories made sense. It was fun having this discussion with two friendly strangers. em tried to get a conversion on her iPhone but it come out that -30 c =32 F. We all knew that wasn't right. Then em said that she also knew that 100 C is water's boiling point which happens at 212 F. So then I said, "oh the whole scale is different," like metric and inches.

The guy behind the counter asked us how we were. em said something like "confused" and gave a quick explanation of the debate. He laughed and said he'd take a stab at -30 C being about 14 F. We told him he was probably closest. We found our seats with eduardo and told him about our dilemma. He kind of thought more along my lines. The trailers started and he was using his Blackberry to get info. He had converted some numbers in a way that made more sense but I still didn't see what -30 C would be.

Anyway, I'll probably look this up on-line. Maybe I should do that now.... Ta daa! -30C = -22F

Here's the mathematical conversion:

Converting Celsius to Fahrenheit:

1) Take your number in Celsius and multiply by 9.

2) Divide the result of step 1 by 5.

3) Add 32 to the result of step 2.

Converting Fahrenheit to Celsius:

1) Take your number in Fahrenheit and subtract 32

2) Multiply the result of step 1 by 5.

3) Divide the result of step 2 by 9.

Well I did get the whole adding 32 thing. But man, that is just butt cold, Rox. Is it hard to breathe when it's that freaking cold? It did make for a fun and lively discussion. At least some of the people standing in the long line at the concession stand were a bit less bored I'm thinking.

Trying to be comfortable not knowing

There's this book called "Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff" by Richard Carlson. I had heard about this book for years but I often tend to look the other way if something is popular in mainstream society. If Oprah recommends it, I usually won't look into it. Seems kind of silly and in my own way elitist but oh well.

I happened to see this book in the deeply discounted section at a bookstore. I thought "Oh THAT book." I picked it up and randomly read one of the very small 2-3 page chapters. "Hey now, that kind of makes sense" then after looking at another "Wow, I really needed to hear that!" So I bought the book and read it and got a lot out of it. Now I pick it up every once in a while and randomly read something or scan the chapters looking for something that might pertain to my life.

There is a chapter I read today titled "Get comfortable not knowing." I think I related in an earlier post the parable-like tale about the man who seems to be having all these major problems that led to what most would call great circumstances which, it seemed, led to another mishap and so forth and so on. The point being that we sometimes wring our hands when things are difficult but we never know where our lives will lead. The author's suggestion is that we get comfortable not knowing how things will turn out. Way easier said than done, in my humble opinion. But it does makes sense.

What will happen to my studio in this economy? - I don't know but I'm working hard right now. Will the Sheriff's Deputy job be available and be the right thing for me? - Possibly. What does love have in store for me in the next year? - Got me, but I think there's hope. Will Obama be a good president? - Well, at least here I think we have a pretty good shot.

It's nice to be reminded about having too many expectations and just relax a bit. Like this magnet my son has on the fridge says: "You worry, you die. You don't worry you die. So why worry?

Walking on the earth with cool people

I'm grateful for places like this:



and this:


and people like this:

Ba Humbug?

I'm so grateful that Christmas is here because that means it's almost over. I keep it pretty laid back because I hate the obligatory nature of gift giving during this time. It's not that I don't like giving gifts. I love surprising someone with an invite to do something fun or giving something out of the blue just because I happened to be thinking about them or discovered something that they might enjoy. I really don't mind buying Solstice/Christmas gifts for the kids in my life. I remember getting excited as a kid about this time of year. My Mom would want a Christmas list so I poured over the Sears catalogue to get ideas.

I've gotten much better at receiving gifts from people who genuinely love giving gifts to almost everyone they know and not feeling guilty that I did not have something for them in return. I just figure I don't give gifts in order to get gifts so I assume they feel the same way.

Also there are all these expectations about family gatherings and the day is built up to some kind of all-or-nothing proposition. I've disappointed my birth family once again. I'm apparently selfish for not wanting to hassle the long drive to be with people who judged the hell out of decisions I've made for my life.

Besides that, I'm not a Christian so the joy of baby Jesus being born in the spring (oh I'm sorry, I mean - inaccurately - on this holiest of holy days) escapes me. Here is a funny song by Dar Williams called "The Christians and the Pagans" that you might find amusing.

I wish everyone a calm, peaceful Christmas day. Like Al-anon people will say, "It's only Thursday." Happy Thursday!

Kagelmaster 2000

OK. You know who you are. I've talked to, and read, enough women to know that there are A LOT of us out there who suffer from stress incontinence. It's so annoying.

I'm a pretty physical person. When I'm out running, playing tennis, teaching martial arts or doing any jarring-type movement I know that I have to wear a menstrual pad to catch the leaking urine. I hate that out-of-control feeling, even when I'm protected. I've taken to rolling up toilet paper into a joint sized bundle and propping it between my labia. This works well for two reasons - 1. I don't have to feel the evacuation as much and 2. It provides an extra layer of absorption. I've learned to cope but what really bothers me is the lack of spontaneity. It's not like I wear a pad all the time so occasionally I find myself holding back. Say I'm at Disneyland with the kids and suddenly there's that fun urge to dash to get in line for a ride. I'm good for 5 or 6 running steps then have to walk again. I've been at em's house when her kids were playing Dance, Dance, Revolution and they asked me to play. I would have but didn't have a pad on so declined. I love to run and move. It makes me sad to have to restrict myself or plan for every sudden joyous movement.

So after years of suffering I have purchased and begun using the (drum roll) KAGELMASTER 2000 (insert echo effect) which is basically an adjustable, spring loaded, vaginally inserted exercise device. When used daily for 3-6 months it's supposed to improve and/or cure stress incontinence by strengthening the muscles of the pelvic floor. I've been using it for the last 10 days or so and can feel those muscles starting to move more powerfully - better squeezing action so I'll have to follow up with a results review in a few months. If it works I'll be telling everyone.

One thing that makes doing the exercises more....um ...shall we say pleasant is the secret extra device that they send free with each order. It's designed to make sure you're using the right muscles. Some of you have probably guessed by now. It's a vibrator. They instruct you to touch the clitoris and hold it there for 3 to 4 seconds with the KM inside. Yep, that really helps. You do 3 sets of 30. Let's just say that I'm probably being way more consistent than I would have without that particular extra.

I'm glad to have some hope that this years-long problem will be resolved. Once I've achieved the results I'm looking for they say I must follow a maintenance plan to maintain my strength - something like 2-4 times per week on average. I'll keep all you gals posted.

Radioactive Robe & R2D2

It's been pretty cold in my apartment, especially at night. We have a wall heater but I don't like to use it because there's always this funky smell. When we moved in last February, the gas company came by and checked it out and said everything was working fine. I think it just heats up the dust or something. Anyway when it started getting cold this year I decided not to use the wall heater and instead rely on R2D2 and my radioactive robe,

R2D2 is the name we gave to this portable heating, cooling, air purifying and ionizing unit that I bought at a Chinese herb store. It works great and there's no annoying smell. It really does look a bit like R2D2 from the Star Wars movies. I'm using it sparingly because I'm not sure what the electricity cost will be but I also have this amazingly warm robe. The kids got it for me last Winter Solstice. The most endearing thing about the robe is the color. It's bright neon green. I practically glow when put it on. I would never have picked out the color myself but what fun I have every time I put it on - and I stay toasty warm. Seriously, it's the warmest robe I've ever had. If it's only a bit cool I can't wear it because I start sweating in about a minute.

I'm grateful for warmth when it's cold. I'm grateful for gifts given from the heart that are unexpectedly funky and help my body, my soul and my sense of humor feel warm.

Busting myself

I had a staff meeting at my studio this evening. We talked about what's working and what's not working. I laid out my plans and goals for the new year and gave suggestions on how we can work together to help achieve these goals.

I also admitted that one of my character defects is that I make great plans and even say I'll have something done by a particular time, then something comes up or I get distracted and it falls by the wayside. Something as simple as updating my mailing list and printing out the labels or sending out a monthly email. It's not like I think I'm fooling anyone or that they don't notice but I've asked my staff to mention it to me if I haven't followed through with something - even if they think it might annoy me. I told them that it would annoy me but that I'd be mad at myself and not them and that they'd be doing me a big favor.

I'm grateful to be able to admit stuff like that now. My ego used to get in the way all the time and I would make excuses. em has been a big help in this regard. I've learned by her example. She busts herself a lot, even for some stuff that I don't think she should claim responsibility for.

I just have to remember - working through these defects happens in three stages: Awareness, Acceptance & Action. I think I'm on the Action part here. I also need to remind myself it's all about progress, not perfection.

Solstice

My kids and I have continued with a tradition that we started a few years ago. We celebrate the Solstice. This morning at 4:04 am PST we entered the winter season. My daughter asked last night if we could get up and watch the sun rise. She wanted to welcome in the winter that way. Son wasn't interested in this part of our celebration. There was more that we planned to do later in the day that he was more excited to participate in.

We set the alarm and got up. She and I stood on the front walkway of our third floor apartment and watched the light from the rising sun barely filter through a large thick tree that is down the block. We thought to wait until the sun rose above the tree but the plan was to greet the sun and go back to bed and it looked like it might take a while to clear the tree.

It was so beautiful outside. We are generally late sleepers but that time of the day holds magic! We didn't have any particular ceremony planned but then daughter starts quietly signing The Cherokee Morning Song. It's a really beautiful song sung in the native language. I joined in right away and we sang the traditional four rounds. It was perfect! My heart swelled with Gratitude for the coming day and my love for my daughter.

Happy Solstice Everyone!

Priceless Letter

A 11 year old student of mine brought me and all my staff at the studio some home made cookies and fudge. I'm all about the sweets these days but the best part for me was the note he sent with it.

Dear Miss.....

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I'm always having a good time in class, in fact, the studio has to be one of my favorite places to go in the world.

Your friend and student,

Jeff W. Carson (slight name change here)

That one's a keeper and yet another example of why I really want to turn things around and make this business profitable enough to support me. I don't need to be rich or anything but I'd like it to be a stable career that I can plan ahead for.

It's so great to have people who will let you know how they feel; how what you do makes a difference. It gives me hope and motivation. Thanks Jeff!

The art of conversation

It's interesting, There are all sorts of ways these days to entertain ourselves; movies, TV, the internet, video games, etc. But one thing I really love is good conversation. It feels good just to sit down or take a walk with someone and just let that easy give and take happen. It's like a journey really, you never know where you may end up.

Just like everything else, some people are masters at it. em is definitely one of those people. She can relate the most seemingly everyday occurrence and have me in stitches. She's articulate, well read, and reveals her tough times with the most amazing honesty. She's a good listener too whether it's hard emotional stuff, something amusing or when you just need to blow off some steam. We don't talk as much as we used to. I miss that a lot but that's just where we're at right now.

Books that make me think

I just finished reading a short book by Dan Millman. He wrote the book "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" which was made into a movie a few years back. I read that book ages ago and enjoyed the movie.

The book is called "The Laws of Spirit." It's easy reading. You could finish the entire book in an hour or two but I would read a one or two chapters and the think about it for a while. He says right off the bat that it's fiction and asks the question "What would you ask your higher self if you met him/her high on a mountain top one day?" I think that this could be a good exercise all on it's own.

He creates the character of a sage, a mysterious woman who he meets on a morning hike and ends up being her student for the weekend. I know, not very original, but the story weaves nicely and there was stuff in there that I felt was pretty valuable.

Each chapter is titled "The Law of... Balance, Choices, Process, Presence, Compassion, Faith, Expectation, Integrity, Action, Cycles, Surrender and Unity. Not all of these chapters are exactly what you might expect. There was an interesting take on each of these laws and how to understand and apply them.

Sometimes I appreciate a simple writing style, especially when pondering the bigger questions of life. I enjoy more sophisticated stories and wording also so each type of work has it's own merit. I enjoyed this book and will probably re-read it from time to time. So I'm Grateful to have stumbled across and read this one.

Rain and Belts

As I'm going along with this Gratitude thing I'm realizing that it's getting harder to pick out one thing. I guess by making the effort to notice, it's opening up my awareness. I can think of many things just today. Not a bad way to look at life I'm supposing. I have to list these two.

It gloriously rained all day today. I love the rain - the sound, the smell, the way light reflects all around, the gray moodiness, you know, all that stuff. I ran lots of errands and people were driving slower and were being pretty darn respectful of the elements and each other.

It was also a Belt Test night. It's so great to see my students out there, really giving their all, seeing their improvement and hearing the spectators cheering them on. Really, I have the best job in the world. I just need to make it more profitable. Those non-financial benefits though are beyond awesome!

Roller coasters

A big bunch of us went to Disneyland today to help celebrate a friend's birthday. It was a lot of fun. I got to go on my favorite roller coaster with some kids who hadn't been on it yet. I sat next to em and eduardo's son. "Boy," as em affectionately refers to him on her blog, is such and interesting kid. He and I have what I think of as a special bond. We just get a kick out of each other.

He was really excited. He's recently discovered a love for "big" coasters. I told him the best place was in the back so he says "Yeah, I want sit next to you!" Once we were strapped in and started to leave the station he says, "Maybe I shouldn't be doing this." I tell him that I think he's going to love it.

This coaster takes off FAST. As soon as we've launched he's yelling things like "I LOVE this" and "This is AWESOME" and screaming at the top of his lungs. I loved being able to experience this with him.

The ride is pretty long then stops very quickly at the end but smoother than you can imagine. He immediately says,"Can we do it again?" That's Boy for you right there. And yes, we did ride it again but this time I got to sit next to a much more reserved eight year old who amused me as well.

I'm Grateful for roller coasters (actually all thrill rides) and to be able to share this with enthusiastic and charming people like Boy.

Afromations

I was watching a DVD called The Big Gay Sketch Show. Most of it was pretty lame but there were a few funny skits.

Occasionally this segment would cut in with this polyester clad disco-type guy with a huge afro. He gives these small motivational talks called Afromations. That is funny in and of itself but one, in particular, was great. He says seriously, "Sometimes, the reason for everything happening is so that everything happens for a reason, whether or not that happens to be reasonable." That one made me laugh. I'm Grateful for laughter.

Joy

A while back I posted a bit about my friend Joy. She passed away some weeks ago from cancer. She was a really amazing, giving person who I don't think realized what a gift she was to her friends.

Today we had a celebration of her life up in the mountain town of Idyllwild which is where I met her. It was so nice. A group of us met in a small space about the size of a living room. No fancy church, no podiums, no microphones. Basically people just shared memories of their time with Joy. Hearing other people's stories helped reinforce my loving feelings about her. She touched so many lives in a positive way!

She loved speculating about spiritual concepts. She was very well read and I would sometimes get chills when we talked - that kind of chill you get when you feel that you're experiencing truth.

One person told a story that when she last talked to her, she asked Joy to send some kind of sign from the "other side" confirming that we go on after this particular earthly experience. Thanksgiving weekend this woman was home alone when the electricity went out. She said that she is sort of reclusive and just lit some candles. A neighbor came by and asked if she wanted to come over as they had some guests there and they were socializing by candlelight. Her first thought was to decline but then she decided to go. She enjoyed herself and thought that Joy would have liked this gathering. When she came home she found one of her books with the cover open so that it could stand upright on her nightstand. She hadn't left it there and she never left books standing up like that. It was the Dali Lama's book about Happiness, one that Joy had recommended that she read. She figured that this was Joy's sign from beyond.

I'm Grateful to have known Joy. Her given name was Joyce but at some point she changed it. It suits her well. The thing she kept telling people toward the end of her life is that it doesn't matter how long you live, it matters how you live your life. She's not the first person to have said it but apparently she got this point through to many people. She was an amazing example of this!

Great day

I'm Grateful to have had a really great day!

Being there

I'm Grateful to be able to be supportive for people. I get a lot of support myself when I'm going through hard times so it feels good to be there for my friends. A good friend of mine is going through what looks like her first breakup with her first girlfriend she's ever had. When you come out late in life you find yourself feeling feelings you've never felt before even if you've dated or have been married to men. Anyway, it's been a rough few days for her.

We're going to our coming out support group and she, em and I going for a hike in the morning. I've been looking forward to the hike and even though the weather may not optimal, I think we're still on!

The four of us again

I'm Grateful to have a good relationship with my ex-husband. He made the two hour trip to town to see our daughter in her dance receital. Actually he made a day out of it by going Christmas shopping and getting in nine holes of golf. Unfortunately, there was a communication problem and the dance program started at five o'clock, not seven like daughter thought. She was upset because she got there when her group was on stage already. Everyone else somehow knew the right time. It's hard to know what happened but it was confusing because there were two performances, two days in a row. Daughter couldn't go last night because she had a final test in her Japanese class. She said she specifically asked her teacher the time for THIS performance. I've met this teacher and she's a bit scattered so it's possible that she gave her bum info. But, as I pointed out to daughter, there have been times lately when I will tell her something and she'll answer OK then later say she never heard me tell her that so I think it's equally - if not more possible that she tuned out the teacher the way she tunes me out sometimes. This time there was a bigger consequence - you know, a learning experience. But I digress.

We all went out to a coffee shop for some desert. Bill did a great job of talking to daughter who felt bad having her Dad make the trip for a performance that was missed. This is the man I was married to for 21 years. He's a really decent guy. I wish only the best for him. We all talked and laughed together for about an hour. It felt so nice and comfortable for it to be just the four of us again.

I told him in the parking lot that I enjoyed us all going out. He smiled and said he liked it too. While the kids were moving their stuff from my car to his truck, he and I continued talking. He's stopped drinking again and feels pretty good. He then told me he misses me and that he knows he wasn't always the best husband. He said he wasn't trying to change anything but just wanted me to know.

I thought to say it wouldn't have mattered because I'm gay but, you know, some things at some moments are better left unsaid. I'm glad he's taking better care of himself and hope the sobriety lasts. It would be great if he went to AA but he's always resisted that and it's his business. Still the evening that started off somewhat drama-filled turned out quite nice.

Running

I've been trying to get on a regular running schedule, you know, just in case I make it to the Sheriff's Academy. I've been pretty successful so far, getting in three days a week. I'm enjoying running now more than I ever have. I've been running 3 to 3 1/2 miles at a time. I've done this on and off my whole adult life but it always seemed like such a chore. It was something that I did because I knew it was good for me. Every once in a while I would not mind it so much. The difference now is that I'm actually looking forward to it. I get out there and my mind just wonders. My body is moving and I get into a breathing rhythm that is kind of hypnotic.

Why now though? What's the deal this time? Will it last? I DON'T KNOW! (In my head that last statement sounds like Pee Wee Herman saying it.)

Today I'm Grateful to be enjoying my running. It's been really nice.

Investigation

I was nervous this morning. I had a background investigation appointment. I turned in all the crap that they wanted, copies of the crap that they wanted and had a short interview with a serious looking man. I didn't think he knew how to smile but viola!, he was chatty and smiling at the end. Go me!

I saw em this morning. I was all dressed up looking like a lawyer about to go to court. I told her how nervous I was and, just like she always does, she knew just the right thing to say; giving me that vote of confidence. I calmed down well before the appointment and as she says "I present(ed) well." I'm sure Grateful to have her particular brand of support here.

Creativiy & Movement

I'm Grateful to be able to experience other peoples creativity, passion, hard work, and athletic ability. I took my daughter to a dance concert last night. It was a requirement for her own college dance class. It's not something I think to do on my own but really enjoy it when I'm "forced" to go. The imaginative choreography, execution, music, costuming, lighting etc. come togther in some really cool ways. I find myself moved by these performances.

Thursday I'll get to see my daughter perform with her Latin/Swing Dance class. I'm really looking forward to it.

Play Date

I'm Grateful that I'm a playful person and have kids in my life who encourage me to play.

Take one giant sand berm near the beach designed to help save the houses there in case of a storm, add slippery boogie boards designed to ride the waves. Stir in four excited kids and one more-than-willing adult. Sprinkle on some creativity and ingenuity. Cook for two hours on a beautiful 65 degree night. What do you get? A night of laughing, digging, shaping, jumping, dare deviling, crashing, sand-in-your-ears good time.

By the way, Slumdog Millionaire was a good movie. It was different than a lot of mainstream movies. It took me a while to get an ear for the Indian accent so some of the lines or parts of lines were hard for me to understand. Good storytelling.

Movies

I'm Grateful that people make movies. I like the experience of going to the theater and losing myself in the story. I saw "Milk" this week. What great performances! Go and see this movie.

I'm off to see "Slumdog Millionaire" in just a bit. I'll let you know how it is.

Eyes

I'm Grateful for the gift of sight. I'm a very visual person.

I had an optometrist appointment this morning. I've been nearsighted for what I guess is my whole life. They caught it in the third grade. I remember the first time I put on my glasses. I amused my Mom by saying something like "Is THIS how everyone sees?" The world got so much sharper and brighter. I was told to only use them when I had to so it was mostly watching TV and reading the black board in school. Do they still use blackboards? That was fine with me back then because I didn't want to look like a nerd.

With this sheriff's deputy process you need to have at least 20/30 corrected vision with soft contact lenses. So this trip I had them give me the most corrected distance vision they could. So now with these contacts I have like 20/10 vision but now I'll have to wear reading glasses for small print stuff. Oh well.

Here's hoping for some clarity in everyone's life.

Plans

I am Grateful for plans. They have such a feeling of possibility.

The Gratitude plan

Here's my plan or, as you will see, I'll be getting to my plan shortly. I'm pretty great at plans. What I have the tiniest bit of trouble with is the follow through. In the Al-anon program, through many motivational speakers, and from good advice I've been given from some smart people, it's been bestowed on me that a really effective way to make one's life better is by coming from a place of Gratitude - you know with a capital G. I really do have a lot of things to be Grateful for.

I woke up this morning thinking about some of the reasons I'm Grateful to have em in my life. We've been through so much. Things aren't where we expected them to be but you have to live life on life's terms. I figured I have at least a years worth of daily gratitude messages I could relate to her and I felt so strongly about it that I left a note on her car before my morning run. During the run, I got so involved with contemplating the even bigger picture that I was surprised how fast the run went by; kind of like that highway hypnosis thing that happens when you drive sometimes. I decided to post one thing that I am grateful for every day. Many posts may be very short like the last one. Some may be longer. I just think this will be a good experiment to see how this activity will effect my life. The thing I'm really hoping for is follow through action. This one simple act may re-set my circuits so that I may become a better woman of ACTION!

Feel free to bust me if I miss a day or two. I'll be Grateful for this. Here's one to keep me ahead of the game. I'm Grateful for this blog. I'll sometimes take a trip along memory lane by reading old posts. I can see how far I've come and it helps me to realize that the feelings behind the tragic posts didn't stay forever. I heard someone say that you're either in a crisis, heading toward a crisis, or coming out of a crisis. That made me laugh. I'm not sure that it's accurate but I know for sure that the only constant is change. Signing off for today.

365 daysof gratitude.

I am grateful for my life and where it has brought me - to this exact moment.