Busting myself

I had a staff meeting at my studio this evening. We talked about what's working and what's not working. I laid out my plans and goals for the new year and gave suggestions on how we can work together to help achieve these goals.

I also admitted that one of my character defects is that I make great plans and even say I'll have something done by a particular time, then something comes up or I get distracted and it falls by the wayside. Something as simple as updating my mailing list and printing out the labels or sending out a monthly email. It's not like I think I'm fooling anyone or that they don't notice but I've asked my staff to mention it to me if I haven't followed through with something - even if they think it might annoy me. I told them that it would annoy me but that I'd be mad at myself and not them and that they'd be doing me a big favor.

I'm grateful to be able to admit stuff like that now. My ego used to get in the way all the time and I would make excuses. em has been a big help in this regard. I've learned by her example. She busts herself a lot, even for some stuff that I don't think she should claim responsibility for.

I just have to remember - working through these defects happens in three stages: Awareness, Acceptance & Action. I think I'm on the Action part here. I also need to remind myself it's all about progress, not perfection.

The art of conversation

It's interesting, There are all sorts of ways these days to entertain ourselves; movies, TV, the internet, video games, etc. But one thing I really love is good conversation. It feels good just to sit down or take a walk with someone and just let that easy give and take happen. It's like a journey really, you never know where you may end up.

Just like everything else, some people are masters at it. em is definitely one of those people. She can relate the most seemingly everyday occurrence and have me in stitches. She's articulate, well read, and reveals her tough times with the most amazing honesty. She's a good listener too whether it's hard emotional stuff, something amusing or when you just need to blow off some steam. We don't talk as much as we used to. I miss that a lot but that's just where we're at right now.

The Gratitude plan

Here's my plan or, as you will see, I'll be getting to my plan shortly. I'm pretty great at plans. What I have the tiniest bit of trouble with is the follow through. In the Al-anon program, through many motivational speakers, and from good advice I've been given from some smart people, it's been bestowed on me that a really effective way to make one's life better is by coming from a place of Gratitude - you know with a capital G. I really do have a lot of things to be Grateful for.

I woke up this morning thinking about some of the reasons I'm Grateful to have em in my life. We've been through so much. Things aren't where we expected them to be but you have to live life on life's terms. I figured I have at least a years worth of daily gratitude messages I could relate to her and I felt so strongly about it that I left a note on her car before my morning run. During the run, I got so involved with contemplating the even bigger picture that I was surprised how fast the run went by; kind of like that highway hypnosis thing that happens when you drive sometimes. I decided to post one thing that I am grateful for every day. Many posts may be very short like the last one. Some may be longer. I just think this will be a good experiment to see how this activity will effect my life. The thing I'm really hoping for is follow through action. This one simple act may re-set my circuits so that I may become a better woman of ACTION!

Feel free to bust me if I miss a day or two. I'll be Grateful for this. Here's one to keep me ahead of the game. I'm Grateful for this blog. I'll sometimes take a trip along memory lane by reading old posts. I can see how far I've come and it helps me to realize that the feelings behind the tragic posts didn't stay forever. I heard someone say that you're either in a crisis, heading toward a crisis, or coming out of a crisis. That made me laugh. I'm not sure that it's accurate but I know for sure that the only constant is change. Signing off for today.

sad song

Em posted about our break up. We had both stopped writing about the struggles we were having. When I just read her Feb. 20th post a bit ago I was angry. It seemed like I was some sort of after-thought. Here's some things I'd like you all to know.

I love em more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life. We've been through hell and back again and our relationship kept getting stronger and stronger. It started to become apparent that eduardo was having a hard time with it so even though we all made the commitment to all move in together in March we decided to give him some more time and space. I was assured by em that she had made equal commitments to both of us and would not let me go. She even gave me a special ring.

When an apartment came up for rent accross the street I asked both of them how they'd feel if me and my kids moved there. We could be moving forward towards living together and em and I could see each other every day without the 15 minute commute by car. We could eat more meals together and things like that. She said we would be like Lucy and Ethel. They both agreed. Then when the management company called to actually offer me the place, I called them and said "This is your last chance to back out." No, they both said they were happy with this. I was excited about this new phase in our relationship.

11 days later em tells me that she can't see me anymore. That she and eduardo are having so many problems that she's afraid they might break up and she'd couldn't see a way for her to work through this with me still in the picture. I tried to understand but was hurt that the commitment she made to me had fallen by the wayside. Of course if I known that things had gotten THAT bad I would have backed off myself.

I still love her. She is in a really hard place. She and eduardo have kids together. She still loves me. We are trying our best to remain friends. But I'm fucking lonely and it hurts a lot right now. I really thought this was going to work. I think I was pretty nieve though.

My kids are friends with em and eduardo and their kids. My daughter in particular was really excited to live accross the street from a couple of her best friends. They were all happy too when they thought we were going to all live together. That part's still OK. All the kids have taken the opportunity to pop over to each others place. I won't up and move them again. This has all been hard enough, you know, with them seeing me upset and heartbroken although I've tried to minimize this.

Anyway, life goes on. I'm not sure what the future will bring but I know that I will never be in another three person relationship as long as I live. I also know that whoever does end up with me as a life partner will be really lucky. After all this skill building in emotional honesty, good communication and heroic commitment that I've been working on the last four years, a two person relationship should be much easier. I seriously worked my ass off on this one! I don't think anyone could have tried harder than me. There just isn't any certainty in this life. At least I don't have to wonder if I'm gay or not. That question got answered loud and clear.