Fighting Guilt
You know... I try hard not to beat myself up over things I have no control of. Sometimes though, I can look back and wonder what would have (or wouldn't have) happened if I had done something differently. If I could take back a statement made in innocence - if I had just listened to that part of my brain that said "This is too scary to share so just shut up" and not that other part of my brain that said "What!? Are you going to give in to that fear? This is about being honest and isn't that the best way?"
Yeah, maybe that first part of my brain was the sane one; the one I should have listened too. I feel strongly (aka great hope attached to diligent prayer) that things will work out in the long run but now, in this moment, I see pain and anger and suffering and confusion. On my good days I see growth and opportunity and love and power. I never meant for any of this to happen. I know I wasn't alone in bringing us all to this particular place. If I had possessed a crystal ball, I probably would have kept my mouth shut - kept these powerful feelings to myself as I had done for most of my life. I'm saying this now, without the aid of that magical instrument, so maybe if I could see even further into the future I'd have done it all the same way.
I guess it's better not to know. We can only do the best we can, which looks different on any particular day. I am very sorry for the pain my actions have caused. It was totally unintentional.
posted by anabel @ 9:23 PM
13 Comments:
Looking back is always bad magumba on a person's self-esteem! Honesty, even the ugly-assed kind, is always best, I think.
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It's tough to look at those unintentional happenings. It actually really sucks. Hang in there.
I feel you on that for sure. Regret is powerful ... but know that it is also elusive. Thinking of the past will do you no good unless the knowledge is being used for the future. Time marches foreward and we experience each moment one after another. Memory allows us to know the present and change the future. To relive the past is like refuting that gift.
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