Caught off guard

I was having an on-again off-again hard day yesterday. It wasn't like the whole day sucked or anything but I was battling feelings of sadness that kept washing over me at any moment that I wasn't totally distracted. My friend Jane asked me if I was alright and do you know what tragic, drama-filled response I gave as I walked away? I said "I'm never alright." What a load of bullshit that is and where the fuck did it come from? I hated that I said it the moment it left my mouth. I ended up calling her and the others who heard me and told them that it wasn't true and that I was somehow caught off guard by Jane when the sadness wave was at high tide.

Today was better. I took my kids and my daughter's friend to the Queen Mary ship and spent a pleasant afternoon with them. Then I went out to dinner with some women I met at the dance club that I sometimes go to on Sundays. They were fun. Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's house for dinner and a board game night so I'm still keepin' busy. That seems to be what's working for me now.

Passport to adventure and possibly another trip

I spent part of today getting the info together to get issued a new passport. I'll need it for my upcoming Caribbean cruise. My current passport is still in my married name although I've changed it in just about every other place. I got what I thought was some bum information from the guy at the first passport office I went to. It seemed like he was just trying to get rid of me even though I had made an appointment.

I went to another office and the guy there was way more helpful plus I confirmed the procedure by calling the main government passport office. An actual PERSON answered quickly. I was a bit shocked. She also gave me a tip on some extra copies I could send to prove that I'm now using my birth name. I sent it off today so it's out of my hands now. I had to pay extra for expedited service. I should have the new one in a week or so but was told to wait three weeks before calling to check. That would be cutting it pretty damn close. I'll be glad to get it in my hot little hands.

The vacation company is hosting an "Olivia Cruise Star Search" which I signed up for. The winner gets to come back and perform on another cruise - all expenses paid. I'm thinking of doing a parody of a multi-tasker by playing guitar, getting the audience to participate and help with singing, and doing martial arts at the same time. The person in charge of the event is supposed to call me in the next few days so I'll run it past her and see what she thinks. I'll need to do some practicing.

I'm grateful for distractions.

Earl and Amy

Technically, I have missed my regular daily post that I committed to and have followed through on since December third. I left this morning at 9:30 and just got home a few minutes ago. But even though my day just happened to end after midnight, I'm going to consider this as Wednesday's post.

I went to my Aunt Pat's, Dad's funeral. Earl was not a blood relation but he was one heck of a nice guy. A bunch of my family from Washington were there and it's always nice to get a chance to see them. My parents and older sister were there too. I've realized that I kind of like funerals / memorials / life-celebrations. There is something about putting life into perspective and realizing that our time is short. Earl was 96. I think whenever it ends up being your time, if you are cognizant enough, you probably feel like it went by quickly. I was telling my son today that I'm at a point in my life where I want to work hard and play hard too. That being said...

After the gathering and socializing with my relatives, I went to see Amy Ray play at the world famous Troubadour Club. Amy is half of my favorite duo / band "The Indigo Girls." Amy is more of the rocker and Emily is way more folk. It ends up being a nice balance because they pull and challenge each other stylistically plus their harmonies are amazing. The show tonight was GREAT! The club is small and I got a seat just above and to the right of the stage. In front of the stage is standing room only so I also got to see how that part of the crowd reacted. Amy had a really talented back up band and they were rocking the house. I used to write songs and play in a band. I think this helps me appreciate the hard work that goes into making a band sound that tight. They had so much energy! I also found myself missing playing and writing. I jotted down a few ideas for songs while I was there so maybe, in all my spare time, I'll at least get back to the writing part.

I'm grateful for this life that I am privileged to be experiencing.

Busy, Busy

I have been exceptionally busy lately. I guess adding in 15 hours a week of working at the tax prep office has thrown everything into high gear. I still have to do all the stuff for my martial arts studio. I'm still feeling energized by my upcoming cruise so I'm getting things done. I borrowed a book from Trish called "guerrilla marketing." There is some really helpful info that I'm going to incorporate into my business.

Tomorrow I'm going to yet another memorial/funeral. That's three in the last two months. A lot of my family that lives in Washington will be there. I haven't seen most of them in over five years. I guess that's one good thing about funerals.

20 year old, skateboarding, drug addict

I'm tired. I been working flat out since 9 am. I have an amusing tale but I'm going to keep it short. I may leave out some details.

I was at my coming out support group last Friday. I got there late and there's this girl there who is clearly tweaking on drugs. She's a skater, very young, and has jet black hair with bright pink bangs. She tries to tell her story but she loses everyone and it makes very little sense although I got the impression, by the way she phrased some things, that she's probably very smart. It was just that she was higher than a kite. Everyone looked uncomfortable but the facilitator did a great job of controlling the situation so that she didn't take over the discussion.


After the meeting, a few of us were talking outside the building. She was sitting there on her skateboard and would laugh occasionally. Then she's says to me "Here" and hands me a matchbook. I say "What's this for?" She says "I think you're funny. I want you to write down my phone number and call me. I want to take you out for dinner."

Then today, I'm working at the tax office and I'm with a client. I look into the reception area an there she is. She's mumbling and then someone else that works there goes to see what she wants. I'm thinking "Shit, I don't want her to see me" so I'm kind of hiding behind my client. Skate girl doesn't see me and leaves. I finish the return I'm working on and go and talk to Linda, who was the one that greeted her. I asked what she wanted and Linda said a job but added that skate girl was on crack or something. I told her how I had met her last Friday. Linda had had another weird encounter with her last week. My friend Trish, that owns the business said "Hey, that's three encounters associated with the office which means that we're supposed to help her somehow." I said "What, you mean like the universe wants us to do something for her?" Trish says "Yeah, maybe we'll end up doing her taxes for free or something." I'm thinking "What the hell?"

Anyway, I guess I got asked out but really, I'm not that desperate. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll see her again somewhere. I'm grateful that wasn't today.

Farmer's Market

My daughter and I went to the local farmer's market. I really like the atmosphere there. You can smell all that produce and the vendor's have samples laid out so you taste before you buy. The customers are all out and about on a nice day and seem so relaxed. There is always a musician or two playing for tips. One vendor makes really delicious tamales which we had for lunch. Yum!

I'm glad to have a place like this to stroll, shop, an experience.

Boost

If you didn't see my last post, go read it. When I decided to book the cruise, I made myself a promise that I would work my ass off for the next five weeks. I've been pretty down lately and the excitement of having this trip on my agenda has really lifted my spirits. I got a lot of shit done today! I'm off to work on my new studio web site now.

Big Trip!

I'm so excited! (and grateful) I just booked a one week cruise to the Caribbean. This has been the hardest emotional year of my life. As I emailed to my good blogger friend Anne, I just want to get the hell out of dodge for a while. I thought about Vegas and a few other destinations but then I checked out the Olivia Cruises on line. They specialize in lesbian vacations. I called to get more info and they had a great price for solo travelers. Then I checked round trip flights to Ft Lauderdale and they were very reasonable also.

Three of my favorite lesbian comics are performing on board including Kate Clinton! I love Kate Clinton! Also Arianna Huffington will be hosting a symposium on "Post Election Analysis: Challenges and Opportunities. That should be good too but man - we're talking the Bahamas, Puerto Rico, St. Thomas; I'm so there!

I can already feel the boost it's giving me. I love having trips planned, even small ones. It's the first week of March so it's still five weeks off. I can't wait, but I think that the anticipation is half the fun.

Skunk weed

New tenants have moved in next door to my studio. Since their arrival, there has been a strong smell of skunk weed in my studio from time to time. I mentioned it to the two guys leasing the place and they said something to the effect that they were doing a lot of construction and painting and that's probably where the smell is coming from.

I let a couple of weeks pass and then talked to one of them again and told him that it smells like pot and I was getting complaints. Anyway, they have said to me, and a couple of others at the studio, that they would handle it. It's gotten a little bit better but I'm at the point where I'm just going to call the cops next time it's bad. They told me that they are selling musical equipment on line. People arrive at the back door, ring the bell, get buzzed in and then they leave later. No one is carrying in or out anything tangible. I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt but I suspect that they're dealing drugs and trying out the "product" inside. It really pisses me off that I even have to deal with this.

Anyway, let's see...what am I grateful for? It's the weekend, I'm may be going hiking on Saturday and my kids are unexpectedly staying in town with me which is good cause I've been wrestling with a bad case of loneliness and was dreading having the weekend here by myself.

Missing something

I had a weird feeling today. It was this idea that I am missing something important in my emotional/intellectual development. Like there must be some way to perceive my existence that would give me some missing piece of the puzzle. It's kind of like when there's something on the tip of your tongue - some word that you're grasping for that's almost there, but not quite. It seems like this missing piece would help everything make more sense. I don't know if it's really the case but it's kinda bugging me. How would I go about finding it? Therapy? Hypnosis? Psychic reading?

I may just park myself out in nature for a day or so and allow my mind to explore - see if I can get still enough to let this missing piece make itself known. Whatever it is seems pretty important. Or, on the other hand, I may be totally full of shit! I'm grateful to be able to laugh as I'm pondering these seemingly big questions.

Hope for change

I'm excited that we have a new president! I saw all those people gathered just to be in the general vicinity when Obama was sworn in. I shed a tear seeing all those little flags being waved and said to the kids "There's pride in being an American again." What a great feeling! It gave me hope.

Plus, that was our guy! - the one we hauled our asses to Nevada to support and gave up one whole weekend campaigning for. I'm so glad that the kids and I did that together (along with em and Helen.) We'll remember that for the rest of our lives.This morning, I was snuggled up on the couch with my kids and said, "We helped make this happen." It was very powerful and humbling at the same time.

And, to top it off, I signed up two separate new students today - meaning they weren't from the same family. That hasn't happened in a single day in a long time. Maybe there's hope there too. If I can roll up my sleeves, work hard and turn things around at my studio, that would be like me doing my part to helping this economy and this country. It may sound lofty and self important but I truly believe in the ripple theory. We're all connected. We all make a difference. Plus, I just spent $480 on text books for my kids and could really use the money.

For Sure

For some reason I was thinking that it might be interesting to randomly ask people the question "What do you know for sure?" For myself, I'm sure that I'm not sure about very much. I'm sure that I'm a kind person for the most part. I'm sure that I love my kids. Aside from that I would need to think on this for a while but probably won't take much time to do so. So maybe it's not that interesting of a question or maybe I'm just more curious what other people think. Sigh...

I'm grateful I got my first paid tax return under my belt today. I was pretty nervous but think I hid it well. I asked this man if he was still single. He said "yes" then volunteered that he wasn't "straight." I said "Me neither" and we both laughed. As I was entering the information we talked about the last Pride Festival, and some of the local hangouts. I ended up getting him about $600 more in a tax refund than he got last year so he was pretty happy.

Mecca

What an amazing place! Six of us ended up hiking through these beautiful canyons. At times the passage between the cliffs was so narrow that you could touch both side at the same time. It was like this labirynth and there were these ladders that took us to different levels between or on top of the cliffs. And the colors....spectacular. There are people that I know that would love this place and I hope to get a trip out there again.

The weather was perfect. Karen kept thanking us for coming with her to celebrate her birthday. She was really happy. I'm grateful to have a friend like her. She loves to plan outings like this. It's nice to have someone say, "Here's exactly what I want to do for my birthday. Want to come?" It takes all the guesswork out of it. I'm thinking of following suit; not just for special occasions but any fun plans that I may want to make.

I forgot my camera, as did five of the six of us. I'm hoping that Gina will email me some so I can post them here.

Off for the weekend

I'm leaving soon to do several activites for the rest of the weekend. I'm going to have a talk with my parents and see if it will help me get over the hurt I feel for the way they reacted to my relationship with em and eduardo. Then I'm heading for Idyllwild. Karen will cut and color my hair. I'm staying with my friend Kathy and her hubby who owns the best restaurant in town so we'll probably go there for dinner.

Then Sunday we're helping Karen celebrate her 65th birthday. She and some of her friends are going down the backside of the hill, past Palm Springs, to hike at a place called Mecca. It's right on the San Andreas fault and there are these uplifted areas that are supposed to look like the mesas from the south west. You have to climb ladders during the hike to get on top. It's supposed to be beautiful!

I may go dancing on the way home and/or go to one of the places that I know that are doing premier parties for the L Word's final season. Lesbo Bingo sounds like fun at a local place but I don't think I'll get there in time for that.

I'm certainly keeping busy this weekend. I think it's just what I need right now.

Exciting ride-a-long

Yesterday I thought I was getting sick so I took it easy, ate spicy foods and drank lots of liquids including my medicine tea. I felt OK this morning so I was able to go on a ride-a-long with a sheriff's deputy. Officer Mejia was really nice. He explained so much about how he does his job. He said that this station was the "fastest" one in the county. He showed me how to use the patrol car radio in case he got into trouble and needed me to get him some help. That was reassuring! He kept pointing out law violations he saw but said that they get so many urgent calls that he doesn't spend much of his day in this way. He did almost constantly run plates to see if they were registered properly or stolen. It was pretty calm though till near the end of his shift.

He had just pulled over a car that was speeding through a residential neighborhood. The driver didn't have a license and there was the smell of pot. He got the driver out and searched him, found some pot and put him in the back of the patrol car. He got the passenger out and did the same. Then he got a call on his radio and suddenly he was telling the two to get out of the car now! They jumped out and we took off soooo fast. It was exciting and a bit scary to be blasting through the city driving around cars on the wrong side of the road. He'd slow down through the intersections then as soon as we were clear he'd step on it. I saw that he had a lot of driving skill so I was able to somewhat relax. I was thinking that this is one part of the job that em would like!

Anyway, there were some high school guys who had gotten into a fight on their way home. They had about 10 guys all lined up sitting against a wall. A whole shitload of other students were milling around. The officer's that showed up then all got out to disperse the crowd. There was this wild energy around there. Things seemed to have settled down so we left. Almost immediately another call came in and and off we were off again. Some of the students had walked down to a park and some girls were all heated up ready to fight. Kids were running all over, people were yelling, and it was hard to know what was happening and exactly where. We ended up driving through the park and Officer Mejia kept telling people to just go home. When we came around to the front again they were putting four girls into two campus security cars. They weren't too happy.

I'm grateful to be able to get an idea of what this job would be like. I really feel that I'd be good at it but also know that it wouldn't be my dream job. I have my dream job now or at least that part of my job that includes planning and teaching my classes. I guess I'll just leave all the cards on the table and see what comes up. I did enjoy this exciting day!

Taxes and chops

I guess I'm going to start preparing taxes next week. I went for a short training session on procedures and customer interactions. I'm grateful to have this opportunity to generate some extra income that should help out for the next few months. Also, it's interesting to see the parallels between a martial arts studio and a tax preparation business. Customer service and being able to demonstrate benefits and value are important in any service oriented service.

Taxi service

It's a good thing I actually like driving. Here's my driving day. Take son to school, pick up belts for the belt test, back home, take daughter to dance tryouts, go to studio, go back for daughter, take her to art supply store for required supplies for her Scene Painting Class, back to studio, back to school to pick up son, go to frozen yogurt place to pick up daughter (she caught a lift with friends after the belt test) and now back at home. I'm grateful for a full, busy day.

Ripping off the band-aid

I just got back from my Al-anon meeting. Boy did I ever need it. Everything that got said today seemed to touch on my experiences. I'm grateful to have this place to go to.

I'm the type of person who if I've decided to get into the ocean and I know it will be cold at first, I jump in all at once. When I've figured out that there is something that absolutely has to be done that makes me feel nervous or scared, I like to get it done quickly and not vacillate. When a band-aid needs to come off, I rip it off in one fell swoop. But this past year has gone against my natural habit. The emotional connection band-aid is being torn off agonizingly slow. Rip... ouch....tear... owww....peal...holy shit....re-stick...slight relief...pull...nooooo...and then I'm at the last part but instead of it being glued on it feels stitched on. I'm tugging but fuck, it's on there good and I can see blood and.....I may just let it flap there in the breeze for awhile.

Outdoor life

I picked up a burrito for lunch today and headed for my old neighborhood park to eat. I lived there from age 11 till 23 and moved back later and raised my kids in the same house for most of their early years. It was a warm and very windy day which is sometimes annoying but it felt cleansing today; like my not-so-great mood was being swept out of me in this amazingly wild, raw, and intrinsic way. I'm finding it hard to give this feeling words but it was really powerful.

I got to thinking about how much of my young life was lived outdoors. I loved being outside. I'd grab a snack after school and usually headed for this same park. I sat there today feeling really grateful that I was able to live this life and that other kids did the same. The park was a meeting grounds for basketball, football and softball games, kite flying, skateboarding and hitting tennis balls against the backboard in the handball courts, just to name a few. We barely had Atari video games (Pong) so kids were actually out playing. I think that's a lot more rare now and I'm thinking pretty sad. I guess each new generation in this society has it's way of having fun and they don't miss what they don't have. I'm glad that it was that way for me though. It was a really nice fit.

The roles we play

The full wolf moon last night was amazing! The color of the entire sky was this deep, rich midnight blue. I'm grateful to have seen it.

I went to an Al-anon meeting this morning that takes place on the beach. It was like a summer day out there. I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt and was roasting!

The topic was the roles we assume in our families and lives. You know like people-pleaser, drama king or queen, rebel, scapegoat, mediator etc. and how these roles get swapped around from time to time. I shared that I am a recovering super hero. There is such a rush when you swoop in and feel like you fixed a problem or prevented someone some pain. The trouble is that you enable that person not to do it for themselves. Obviously that's not terrible from time to time. If you actually pull someone off the tracks before an oncoming train hits them, I'm thinking that's understandable. But there are so many more times that you need to let other people deal with things themselves and get the benefits from the struggle those lessons bring. It's hard though, especially when you love those people. Supporting them is one thing when they ask but knowing when and where to stay the hell out of the way is another. I'm working on this.

There is an even bigger rush when you see someone you care about step up to the plate and find solutions for themselves. My kids are a prime example. The more I step back the more competent they become.

Sand hills and Asses

I held a two hour beach workout with some my students this morning. A local beach puts up a rather steep 30 or 40 foot sand berm to protect the houses. I've posted about sand boarding there. We had a lot of fun and got a good workout. A favorite was what I called "King of the hill dodge ball. One person would start at the top with a bunch of soft throwing balls. The other 10 or so would charge the hill on my command. The balls were thrown at the chargers and those hit would get to join the top person in throwing duties till one or two people were running up while 8 or 9 were bombing them. It was tiring but really fun. We did other cool things too but that seemed to be the favorite.

I'm totally stealing this from my blogger friend Anne.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called emoticons, where:
: ) means a smile and
: ( is a frown.

Well, how about some ASSICONS?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass*
(_?_) Dumb Ass

*here's the one I'd like to try on for size.

The L word

I volunteered to be tagged by Rox. This meme is where you are assigned a letter and write 10 things you like that starts with this letter. Rox gleefully gave me L. If you comment, I'll assign you a letter for you to take off with and so forth and so on.

1. "The L Word" - OK Rox, I'll bite. I do like this show. It's all soap opera-ish but the characters are distinct and well developed. Two fan favorites split up at the beginning of the first season, go through all kinds of crap and finally get reunited at the end of season five. Ahhh...True love! Plus the annoying Jenny is going to get knocked off at the beginning of this final season.

2. Laughter - I love to laugh and hear the sound of laughter. It lifts my spirits and research shows it's good for you!

3. Lesbian - I love being a lesbian. It's so much more of who you are than just who your having sex with. That being said I have trouble with labels of any kind. Contradictory? Hell, yes!

4. Love - I like being in love. It's distracting and intoxicating and confusing and sometimes painful but I think it's an important element in this rag tag life.

5. Light - Sunlight, moonlight, starlight, sunsets, candlelight, the view of lights from above a city etc. I've always been attracted to that twilight time of day.

6. Lessons - Not usually when I'm in the middle of a big one, but sometime afterward when the smoke has cleared.

7. Lyrics - I love intelligent lyrics. The Indigo Girls are really good at this.

8. Leisure - It's so great to just kick back and relax or do something simply for the pure joy of doing it.

9. Letting Go - I'm not so good at this but for those precious moments when I'm successful, it's very pleasant and feels so sane.

10. Long Hot Showers - see # 8 and 9

Not Anemic or Meredeth

Hey everyone, big news, I'm not anemic. I had been told I was low in iron when I was first pregnant so I took iron and felt much better. About 10 years later I was having spells of vertigo. The Dr. did blood tests and said I was a bit low in iron but that he didn't think this was the cause of my severe dizziness. I threw out the prescription he gave me because it made me feel so jumpy and horrible. I started taking iron again and my symptoms went away.

I'm not good at taking supplements so I always let it slide. Anyway, I was in for my pap and I asked them to check again because last time they said I was pretty anemic. I've been doing much better with taking Floradix Herbal Iron (which works much better for me than the pills) and the nurse said I'm fine now. Yeah! I've got to keep it up though cause I can feel the difference when I'm low. I'm grateful to be "normal."

And, in other news, I was told by a clerk yesterday that I look like Meredeth Baxter Birney. I ran it past a friend who said she could totally see it. I always thought Meredeth was good looking so I'll take it as a compliment.

There's teaching and then there's testing

As I said in my last post, I love teaching martial arts. Tonight was a stripe test night. This is when I get to see individual students come up and show what's required to reach the next level. I had a great night tonight as many of my students have improved a lot. I can tell when someone is working hard and putting in extra practice time.

I also got a call from a parent who said her son was really excited after Monday's class. She said that Mark said "Ms. A.... said I did a great job in class and you know what? I think I did too!" I was so charmed by that. I've given him compliments before but he really did surprise me with his focus and willingness to receive the coaching I was giving him. He was trying way harder than usual. I guess the enthusiasm must have shown more in my voice or that we connected in a bigger way but his mom said she had never seen him so elated after class and that he went home and practiced for the test. This is a kid that used to practically space out during class. He's really adorable. I'm grateful that people take the time to let me know when what I do is making a difference.

I love teaching

The last couple of weeks of the year I took off from teaching at my martial arts studio. I had my instructors cover the classes and with the holidays falling mid-week, they were short weeks anyway. Instead I did some behind the scenes stuff. The paperwork, mailing list, organizing kind of tasks. That's definitely not the things I like doing but I got a lot of crap done.

It's back to business as usual this week so I've been on the floor teaching the last couple of days. THIS is what I love. THIS is what I'm really good at. THIS is where it feels almost effortless and THIS is what I'd still do if won the lottery or something. I'd then hire someone to do the other stuff and, if that was the case, I have no doubt that this business would thrive. It's just that trying to do EVERYTHING is really hard and I resist it too the point that I feel guilty and discouraged.

But... on another note, I talked to someone who's a lieutenant at the Sheriff's department who said that if I got on there I'd probably be working in the jails for the first three or four years. He says it's a great job and really pretty easy. He also said most of the people working in that capacity are clearing 100 grand a year. That could help me hire someone to do those jobs at the studio that I don't like and allow me to teach when I'm off work. Of course I haven't been hired. I'm still in the background investigation portion of the process. I'm not supposed to hear anything from them till close to the end of the month then there's still a lot of hurdles but you never know. I'll just keep going and see what comes of it. I'm grateful to have some financial hope right now.

Beautiful Day

It's a beautiful day here in the hundred acre wood. This particular "wood" is set a few minutes jog from the Pacific Ocean. It was all sparkly and bright and clear and looked full of adventure and wisdom. I'm grateful for that this type of day and how it lifts my spirits.

2009 horoscope

Here's my career horoscope for 2009 from a link I followed from yahoo. I'd be grateful for this.

Year 2009 Career

You can barely keep up with all the new ideas coming to you this year. The challenge will be deciding which opportunities to pursue. Going with the flow will help you remain clear. As you seize opportunities with an attitude of fun and excitement, doors opening will be contingent upon how you synthesize data through symbols and techniques from different cultures, and from your dreams.

These new awakenings will help you advance tremendously in your career as you become more philosophical about life, and are spontaneous about sharing your insights. Traveling helps you understand other belief systems in the world, as well as inspires you to expand your business ventures.

As a Gemini, you're able to analyze situations and successfully work with the challenges that present themselves, and you easily detach yourself from supposed obstacles. In 2009, you're likely to move easily from one success to another.

Celebrating Ron's Life

I'm having a better day today. I was feeling pretty lonely yesterday morning and took a mental health day. I laid around, ate leftover pizza, and watched several episodes of The L Word. I called a couple of friends for support. That did me a lot of good.

Today I went to a friends memorial service in Idyllwild. Ron and Sandii were a great couple. They are both such positive people and really great musicians to boot. It was always really obvious how much they loved each other. Sandii was part of the group of ladies I knew that celebrated our birthdays together and often went for hikes. When I first met Ron I thought he looked like John Denver. Ron passed away from cancer that he was first diagnosed with 30 years ago. He beat it back twice! It came back again last year after being in remission for about 20 years.

I found this you tube recording of a Palm Springs TV station story that they did on Ron and Sandii and his fight for life. It aired last May when things were still looking optimistic. It's really good.

The service was really nice. A mix of memories and music. Then everyone went to another building and groups of people played music for hours. I even went up with my old group and added my harmony. It was so nice touching base with so many people I used to see on a regular basis.

It makes me think about life... and people and friends and joys and sorrows and making the best of what time we have.

Hard, hard day/night

I've had a low grade headache and felt a bit barfy on and off for the past two days. I'm still crampy and bleeding which is lasting days longer than usual. I went into a real bad emotional swamp yesterday, I mean, real bad. I haven't felt that despondent in a long time. The fallout from the... what to call it... ending? shifting? reorganizing? of my last relationship has been hard but yesterday I went to the mat with it. I was actually wailing in the car on the way home from taking my kids to meet their Dad.

I considered the fact that I may be getting sick but I think this is probably mostly hormonal. It's not that those emotions aren't there pretty often but I think that when those hormones are in high gear like they are now, everything is just bigger, sadder, angrier. It's like turning the volume up on the stereo - way up.

I ended up talking to em. She's in a hard place too right now but she was there for me and I'm grateful for that. I watched two DVDs till 2 a.m. until I couldn't stay awake then fell into a fitful sleep. If this is what menopause feels like, I'm not pleased...not pleased at all. It's not that I'm blaming my problems on it. These circumstances would be there regarldless of the rushing hormonal activity but I don't like how out of control I feel. Maybe that's the lesson - giving up control. Sigh....

Inspiring Writers

Son got a book from his girlfriend. It's by Neil Gaiman titled "Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders." Son read a couple of stories and a poem to daughter and I in the car. This is some great writing. The kind of writing where you try to guess the writer's intent but then just have to figure that each reader/listener will interpret it for themselves. Each of the three offerings were so different.

I believe that most people would be intrigued by a chapter with the title "Pages from a Journal Found in a Shoebox Left in a Greyhound Bus Somewhere Between Tulsa, Oklahoma and Louisville, Kentucky."

It was a very interesting piece. I'm grateful to have heard Son read it to us today.