A great man in my life

It's been an interesting week. I've gotten a lot of support from people who I have shared the grief of the last couple of posts with, including the comments here. Thank You!

I came out to my Martail Arts instructor, the man who turned the studio over to me 6 years ago. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. I respect him tremendously and his ability to relate vital life lessons in ways you can grasp and understand. I also copied and pasted those last two posts in an email to him. This was all very big for me. It got bigger after I sent it out and was waiting for his reply. I believed he would be OK with the things I revealed to him but his email response was so much better than I ever expected. He has a way of putting things into perspective and cutting through all the bullshit that seems to be designed to keep us confused and under the control of societal norms. He's some sort of guru or real life Yoda but with a lot of sex appeal to boot. So many of the female students and Moms had (have) crushes on him.

I didn't know how important this step was for me until I took it. I have this incredible, sensitive, humble, caring and much admired man in my corner. That's about the best back-up anyone can get. He once said that it's important to paint yourself a picture of who you are; an image that fits how you look at life. In his picture standing on a huge boulder in a strong imposing stance with a huge sword that he carries resting on his shoulder, ready to use. That's exactly who is is. It fits him well.

I'm ready to paint my own picture now. It's going to be glorious!

Teen years grief, part two

I felt guily about breaking Val's nose. I sat there in the doctors office and heard this terrible cruching noise as they tried to strighten his nose out. That seemed to make it clear to me that he actually would go through with his threat to tell my secret. (why I only thought of it as my secret and not our secret is so steeped in patriarchal bullshit that it makes me livid!) The only thing that stopped him this time was physical violence. My resolve to leave was crushed.

It finally got to the point where I had to break it off. I was slowly dying here. I was scared shitless about the backlash but couldn't live with constantly pretending to care about someone I now hated. Inside I cringed every time he touched me, outside I was faking responses. He used his power to insist on some very humiliating things.

My parents and younger sister went out of town. My older sister was out with her boyfriend. Val and I were alone at my house. I told him that we were done. He cried and begged me not to go. He said he couln't live without me. I kept saying sorry, no. He used his final threat. I told him I didn't care; he could tell anyone he liked. I could see on his face that he knew I meant it this time. He got angry and started yelling at me. It was then that I got horribly scared. He grabbed me and threw me on the floor. He started kicking me. I curled up in a ball begging him to stop.

He did stop. He bent down and kept saying how sorry he was; how really, really sorry he was that he'd let himself do this. He just couldn't stand the thought of losing me, etc etc. I felt so strongly that if I told him I was still leaving he would go beserk again and kill me then kill himself. I started sobbing and told him we would somehow work it out. He had this totally crazy look in his eye and he said he didn't believe me. Somehow I was able to lie convincingly enough that he somewhat bought what I was saying.

He went over to the stereo and put on the song he had decided was our song. That fucking stupid song "Precious and Few." He came back and started holding me, telling me how much he loved me, appologizing for hurting me... Every molecule in my body screamed for him to go away. I heard my sister and her boyfriend had come home and go into her room. Now I was scared for them too. I thought we'd all be murdered.

He insisted that I prove everying was all right by having sex with him. I tried to talk my way out of it. You know "but my sister's home she could walk in any time." He took my hand and led me into the bathroom and locked the door. He fucked me while silent tears ran down my face. I didn't resist. I was raped that night. When he was done, I finally convinced him to leave saying I would meet him outside the next morning.

I went straight to my sister's room, balling my eyes out and told her what happened and about the abortion. I needed to get out of that house. We left quickly and spent the night at my sister's boyfriends apartment.

I called Val's friend, Greg, and asked him to go the next morning and tell Val that I wasn't going to meet him. Ever.

The rest is a blur. He never did tell anyone that I knew of. He stayed away for a while but since we lived so close I'd see him often. We were both cordial. I was still scared, so I played nice. Greg said Val acted like it wasn't a big deal, that we just broke up.

I got the nerve to ask him why he never carried through with his threat. He looked at me like I was a complete idiot and scathingly said "I never did plan to tell anyone."

To say the least this whole experience has had huge repercussions in my life. I can see some of the twisted ways I deal with things as a result of having this happen to me in my early formative years.

Hopefully, by taking the time now to grieve these things I can start to let it go. I finally told my parents about the abortion myself a year or two ago. They were very supportive. My Dad wanted to kill Val but my Mom and I had to remind him that Val had died in a car accident, running from the police when he was about 22 years old.

It seems that there's more to say. As I'm digging through this, things are being revealed and made more clear. I might share it here and then again I might not.
I sometimes wish my story could get out and that teenage girls, boys and parents could learn from my troubles. If I could save anyone from this type of tragedy I would be very glad.

Grieving my teen years: part one

Even though these events started happening 30 years ago, they've popped up big time right now. I'm seriously in the middle of finally grieving this pivital part of my life.

I met this guy Val when I was 15. He moved in two doors down from me. He was pretty good looking and kind of shy. He played football for his High School. That was at a time when all the neighborhood kids that age were pairing up. He seemed like a good prospect to me. I thought he was funny and what I liked best about him is that he befriended the neighborhood nerd. He brought Greg into the circle of friends that used to hang out together and after a while he wasn't just Val's friend he was all of ours.

We became a "couple" and after a while there was pressure from him to have sex. I wasn't ready but somehow got talked into it. It wasn't a horrible experience but I didn't get what the big deal was. I mostly felt guilty that I had had pre-marital sex and since I was taught that I was supposed to save myself for marraige, we were now committed to get married some day. Looking back I also knew, some where inside, that I had given in to something important that I wasn't ready for to please someone else. I bit of me died that day.

He said he'd "pull out" to avoid preganancy. He wasn't always successful. I got pregnant. I was so scared. There was no way I wanted anyone to know. The thought of the disappointement from my parents and other relatives loomed over me like a huge ax. I was the good kid. The one that didn't cause problems. They had bragging rights with me and loved this position.

I made all the arrangements for the abortion myself. At 16 years old I drove myself to the clinic even though I was told to have someone there to drive me home. I don't remember why Val didn't take me. I went through the entire thing by myself. When I woke up from the procedure I felt more alone, scared and sad than I ever had before. I cried into the huge breasts of a nurse there who held me and said "It's OK baby, you let it out."

I drove myself home, stopping once to throw up. I pretented that nothing had happened. I had my ailbi in place, had birth control pills, and tried to move on.

I stopped caring for Val but stayed because I thought that it would be a sin to leave him and ever be with anyone else. I was already in big enough trouble with God because of the abortion. Val tried to break it off with me once and I got crazy upset and begged him not to go. The whole church/virgin/marraige thing was really embeded in my brain. He stayed.

After a while it was obvious that I didn't want to be with him. I tried to break it off but this time he did the begging. I stayed. Tried to leave again. I got the "I can't live without you and might kill myself" speech. I stayed. When I approached leaving him again later I was told if I left he was going to tell everyone, inclucing my parents, about the abortion. I couldn't have this. I stayed in this black mailed relationship for almost a year. I gave up my power and knew that if I didn't pretend to be happy with him, the big secret, the one that would wreck my life, would be revealed. I didn't realize then that staying with him was wrecking me much more.

There was one time when I simply couldn't take it anymore and told him so. He looked at me and said he was going right then to tell everyone all my secrets. He turned to walk away. I was seething with anger and fear. I grabbed him by the shoulder, spun him around and slugged him square on the nose. He fell and I started running away. He called my name and said he needed help. I looked back. He's sitting there, holding his nose and has blood runing down his arms onto his shirt. I went back, helped clean him up and took him to the doctor the next day. His nose was broken. We told everyone he fell down some stairs.

to be continued...

Punch the sickness out of you

Last week I had a bit of a cold. When I realized my patented medicine tea * didn't work, I kind of milked it the first couple of days; stayed in bed, and didn't go teach at the studio. I had a nice weekend and ended up working through some pretty heavy emotional stuff.

I kept getting off and on headaches and nausea. I woke up this morning feeling weepy, tragic, and barfy again. I'd had enough of this! I took care of some business, saw the movie "Freedom Writer's" and went to the studio. My headache came back.

I popped a couple of asparin and decided I was really pissed off at not feeling "normal" for the last week. I got to my cardio kickboxing class and just wailed on those big bags. A short time into it my headache was gone and I was feeling really strong!

Then I put my Black Belts through their paces. I saw a lot of progress from my newer Black Belts and was very pleased.

I'm just about to start my moon time and I know that this was a big factor in my day. I would never have admitted to this a couple of years ago because I used to see women who complained about this as weak. I was too tough for this plus I've spent the majority of my life ignoring some feelings.

I'm trying to be much more honest with myself and others but still struggle heavily with it. Progress not perfection. That's the key!

* Medicine Tea: Taken at the first sign of a cold. Kicks it out for me about half the time:
Steep any kind of tea you want along with a couple shakes of Cayenne Pepper, a large clove or two of garlic cut up, lemon and honey to taste.
This tastes really bad even with a lot of honey. It's better than a cold when it works though.

Three New Black Belts

Today we tested three people for their Black Belts. All three are females. My instructor, and founder of the school I own, comes down to conduct these tests. It's always great to spend time with Mr. G. He has this great way of relating to the students and spectators. He's really motivating and is an awesome martial artist and instructor.

All three passed the test. It was interesting to see the stengths and weaknesses of each student. I was proud of all of them but when my favorite of the group was up, she looked really sharp, with crisp moves, great intensity and a whole hell of a lot of power. So much of it is their natural ability and willingness to put in extra training time but I do take a bit of credit when they do so well.

When I see places that could use some improvement, I also take reponsibility for it also. Like Mr. G. said, they're all a reflection of our own technique and ability to tranfer some of our knowledge.

I'm really fortunate to be earning my living in such an interesting way.

Up and Down

What a day! Seems like I was on some emotional roller coaster. I had a nice morning with em then went to help my old college friend paint her Mom's house. Some other friends from this era were there too. Weird... As soon as I walked in it felt weird. I just don't connect with them anymore. It was very unorganized and the fumes gave me a headache. It was nice seeing Stacy's Mom. It had been quite a while.

The only funny moment there came when I showed my friend Shaun some pictures I had just had developed so she could see what my kids look like now.

We ran across a picture that em was in. I told Shaun "That's the woman I'm seeing." She thought I was kidding but when I told her I was serious she said "Did we sleep together in college?" I said "No, did you sleep with any women in college?" She laughed and said no. The kind of "no" like "You've -got- to- be- kidding - no." It still made me laugh.

I was glad to get out of there. Then em and I had a challenging exchange about the possibility and ways a pet dog might come into our lives. That one was hard because although we've had our fair share of difficulties in this relationship, we (so far) rarely disagree to the point of having heated discussions. We worked through it in what I thought was a pretty emotionally healthy way. (This is something I'm still fairly new at.) It felt good to me to get one of these under our belts and move on.

em, eduardo, and I had a pleasant dinner together. Then I hit a traffic snarl on the way out to pick up my kids which delayed me about a half hour. ARRRG!

Now I'm home, checked on some blogs and wrote this piece. Going to my comfortable bed soon.

It was a good, growing, aggravating, learning, stressful, satisfying day.

First Kiss

This was going to happen. At 42 years old I was about to have my first romantic experience with a woman. A beautiful, expressive, caring, insightful woman. I had been secretly lusting after her for quite some time, knowing full well that she and I would only be together in my most secret fantasy world.

But there we were. She likes to say now that it was my bravery that brought us together. Brave is not the word I would use to describe myself that morning. Excited? Sure. Also anxious, insecure and timid.

There we are. Sitting on the couch. Holding hands. Talking. She's softly sniffling from time to time from a mild cold she's nursing. How are we going to start? We look into each others eyes and smile. This is BIG for both of us. She asks a question, "Are you afraid of germs?" I grin back and say a single word... "No."

Here we are. She learns toward me. Our lips touch for the first time, so softly and gently. My mind is reeling. My whole world is expanding. A kiss; a slow, soft incredible kiss. A moment that would forever change my life.

A kiss.....

Funny son moments

O.K. My kids know I'm bi-sexual. They're cool with it. They also know about my relationship with em and eduardo; they're good with that too. Son, now 18 years old, is getting more sophisticated every day and he can trip me up sometimes.

We're driving down the road and I notice this very scantily clad woman jogging with her dog. I joke to my son sitting next to me. "Hey, did you notice that woman with her dog?" Wink, wink, Nudge, nudge. He says, "Yeah, I thought the dog was cute," brief pause "Mom, so did you notice that woman?" Busted. My son busted me. I laughed so hard!

After spending an incredible New Years Eve with em, as well as her kids, my kids plus a teenage friend of us all (eduardo was on the last of three graveyard shifts so he wasn't there) I wanted to spend the next night with both of them. Son decided not to go this time so he stayed at our place. When I told him that I wanted to spend another night and that eduardo would be home this time son said, without hestitation, "Doesn't eduardo need his sleep?" He's devilish, I tell you, and loving seeing me squirm.

Eduardo caught him the next night, trying hard to be inconspicuous, while checking out the well placed cleavage on a woman we were all conversing with. I haven't busted him on that one yet. He could very easily turn the tables on this one also. Sigh... Seems interesting, to say the least, when a mother and her son are noticing other women together. Oh well, what's a mom to do?

Sharing

I went to the osho link from em's blog and picked a card called "sharing." Here's what it said

Commentary:

The Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen, that she can afford to give. It doesn't even occur to her to take inventories or to put something aside for later. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of the abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her.

When you draw this card, it suggests that you too are in a situation where you have an opportunity to share your love, your joy and your laughter. And in sharing, you find that you feel even more full.

There is no need to go anywhere or to make any special effort. You find that you can enjoy sensuality without possessiveness or attachment, can give birth to a child or to a new project with an equal sense of creativity fulfilled.

Everything around you seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground yourself in it, and let the abundance in you and around you overflow.

Much of this does resonate with me. I have been sharing my love, joy and laughter and it feels incredibly expansive. There seems to be an abundance of this lately, especially with em and eduardo. Every day I also cherish the love I see between the two of them, without a feeling of possessiveness. And everything does seem to be "coming together" in many places in my life. The very last line seems like pretty good advice to which I will take heed.