Metaphors for Life in the Magic Kingdom

First of all, I haven't heard from my parents yet. I do believe they've read my letter cause they sent me 3 of those dorky forwarded emails that are supposed to be so inspiring so at least I know they're back from their vacation. I'll let you all know when it happens.

Now for the topic at hand.

If you go on the ride "Pirates of the Caribbean" at Disneyland you'll pass the scene where the jailed pirates are trying to coax the dog, holding the key to their prison, to come closer so they can snatch the key and be free. They've been at it for decades,

Anyway. if you look farther back, towards the beginning of the scene where the jail first starts, you'll clearly see that a timber has fallen aginst the bars and created a clear break in the cell. If these pirates were not so fixated on the dog holding the key to their happiness, survival and freedom, they might have noticed that these gifts are right there; been there all along. No struggle necessary.

How often does this happen to us all? Food for thought anyway.

The chicken's way "out"

Here's a letter I recently sent to my parents. GULP!


Hi Mom and Dad,

Hope you had a nice relaxing vacation. I know you've been under stress with J's financial situation but there's something I feel the need to share with you. I'm writing cause I'm chicken to tell you this face to face.

I'm bi-sexual. This isn't new. I've been attracted to females for as long as I've been attracted to males. I've stuffed those feelings down for a real long time. Now I find myself at a place where I'm single again and do not want to compromise my feelings any longer.

I'm telling you this in case it becomes an issue at some point in the future. I'm telling you this because it gives you a chance to know more about me and love me anyway. I am aware of the predjudice that exists in society. I do not take this lightly but I also strongly feel that who a person chooses to love is their own business. Hopefully these predjudices will go the way of people being discriminated against for loving someone of a different social class, religion, age, race etc. People are much more tolerent than they used to be. And yes, I've considered the kids feelings as well.

I'm not willing to discuss this in a way that would allow anyone to try to change my mind to limit my possibilities. It's just how I feel and who I am. I'd like to have your support but it isn't necessary. J and R both know and have been very supportive. This is a huge step for me as I still value our relationship and love you both so much.

In some ways I wish I were brave enough to tell you in person but writing this letter is the way I feel most comfortable for now. Now if I can just press "send."

Your loving daughter,

A

Adding to my already too full plate.

Woke up this morning and decided I need to do more (or even some) school work with my homeschooled kids. I got to thinking that even with all the stuff that takes presidence in my life that I might be short-changing them a bit.

I got out what I refer to as my "homeschool bag" and realized that my oldest got pushed to do a lot more organized work than my daughter. He complained bitterly about it at the time but this morning I showed him some of his old work and he said that he felt it benefitted him quite a bit. He enjoyed seeing the stuff he had done.

He didn't like math and he also didn't like learning to print or handwrite. I used to try to give him writing assignments that would peak his interest such as "what is you favorite video game characters and why?" One day I told hime he could practice cursive writing by giving him the chance to write a page on how he felt about Math.

Here is what my future novel writer wrote early in his career in really beautiful handwriting.

"Math. It makes a body bored. Down with math. Math is a cockroach. Flush it down the toilet. Math is stupid. Tie it up, throw it in the ocean, do what you can. If I ruled the world, I would make it illegal to do math."

Strong feelings eh?

Guess what, when I told him I thought we should do more work together he said he wants to work more on math.

It must be the right time. We'll see how the follow through goes.

Song Writing

I can feel it coming back; the urge to write new songs. I have written quite a few in my day but just haven't felt inspired in the last couple of years. Sure there has been plenty of material laying all over my life, but the thought of taking any of it and writing it in a way that can be put to music is really hard.

Sometimes songs come to me and I can hear every part of it in my head. That is when I wish there was a device that would plug into my brain and record the complete song without having to go through that pesky writing and recording process. It often gets lost in translation anyway.

My guitar has been sitting in my room on it's stand. Occasionally used for a quick copy tune or a replay of something I've written before. It wants more. I want more. It can take a lot of time an energy to write a song and I've got so many other priorities; so many areas of my life that I feel I'm neglecting. I guess if this feeling gets stronger I'll make the time. I do enjoy the process.

How's this for a title "Chivalry and Lust" Hmmmm. Might consider this one.

Weekend Update

I'm having a fantastic weekend. I wasn't expecting this because Scout and her family are away for a few days. I've missed them but it feels O.K.

My kids have been wanting to have a get together with some of their friends at the new "Beach Pad." Yesterday was the day and it included their parents who I know pretty well from hanging out with them on our Homeschool park day. What was interesting to me was that I usually get a bit stressed because I feel like I'm responsible for everyone having a good time. You know that thing where you know it's up to you to make people happy. I've been trying to let go of that and damned if I didn't succeed.

There were times when the conversation lagged a bit or when a couple of the Dad's looked like they were going to fall asleep (which they sometimes do at park day anyway.) One woman manipulated the conversation some and kept cutting off my friend who looked at me in disgust. None of that was my problem and although I recognized these things, I just thought that these people were on their own and could leave at any time. I know this sounds easy for emotionally healthy people, but this was a breakthrough for me.

For the most part I think most people had a nice relaxing afternoon and evening with some interesting conversation and good pot luck food. Some elected to walk to the beach although it was a bit windy. My kids and their friends seemed to have a great time and didn't want to leave when they were told it was time to scram.

Today was lovely. After attending to the Scout family dog, the kids and I rode bikes to the farmers market. I spent time relaxing on the beach. We rented a couple of movies. Mine was "Bound" which I found very intruiging in a way that most gangster movies aren't for me. Lots of twists and turns but not so hard to follow. The girl on girl action was pretty cool!

Got to go and do my pet sitting duty. Tomorrow I have to get down to business so it was nice to have such a easy relaxed day today.

Night of Solitude

To continue with my post about the time I spent by myself; the night was truely magical. I walked home from the beach marveling at the fact that I could walk home from the beach. I went inside and got myself something to drink and went outside to my sundeck to watch it get dark. I sat in a chair with my head resting against the backrest staring up at the palm trees that line my street.

I love the look of the sky as it is getting dark; the subtle change in the color from blue to black. I was reminded of playing outside as a kid and not wanting to go inside because of the amazing energy of the twilight and my reluctance to let go of another day.

It got dark so I went inside and lit some candles to initiate my night without electricity. I was making my dinner (on my gas stove) and started thinking about "Brenda", aka "the one" who I've decided to call Scout because of her love of the book "To Kill a Mockingbird" Anyway, I was thinking about how much I love her and laughed to myself as I thought "plus she's so hot,hot,hot!" Right when I thought this, one of the candles started flickering big time. Then it suddenly stopped so I thought to it "so you think she's hot too?" Same reaction, huge flickering action. So I thought "What about me?" Faint flicker answer. I think "Thanks a lot! So it's just Scout you think is hot" A definite flickering, yelling YES!

This made me laugh so much. I told Scout the next day that I needed to give her the candle since it's spirit was lusting after her. (This candle has very good taste!)

The rest of the evening included a long, luxurious, candle lit bath and time where I figured out a few things and planted the seeds of some emotional growth that is just now starting to become apparent.

The most important thing is knowing that I can stand on my on two feet no matter what.
I don't have to feel so vulnerable about the amazing, loving relationship that I'm grateful to be experiencing. I don't need to worry about what it would be like to lose this reality, even though I can also admit that this would hurt more than anything I've ever experienced, and that this solid footing paves the way for more intimacy and love than I've ever experienced. It seems more solid and stable. The future that I imagine, even with the difficulties I know are sure to follow, seems very possible; probable may be a better word. It's hard to wrap up these feelings in words. I read what I've written and it seems inadequite.

This is where I'm at now. I love this life I've been given.

Solitude

I decided to dedicate myself, yesterday afternoon and evening, to spending time with someone really important to me... Me. You know what the main thing I discovered about this person is?... She is my best friend. I love the way she thinks and how she views the world. As we walked along the beach she appreciated the feel of the air, the angle of the light, the joy of the other people, the sound and wildness of the waves and that incredible sense of peace that settled into every fiber of our being. Seriously, it's been a while since I have conciously dedicated special time for this multi-layered person and it was amazingly great.

We became bonded again. So I won't refer to her in the third person anymore. She is me and I'm realy grateful for that.

I walked up and down the beach to both ends where they end at a breakwater. Then I walked out onto the pier. I was feeling really good about myself, the day, the time I'd set aside and was looking forward to the evening that I also dedicated as "No electicity night" Candles only; no reading, writing, TV etc. Just me and my thoughts. Anyway, for some reason I found people looking at me differently. The best way I can describe it is the way you look at someone when you think you recognize them. They'd glance in the usual way you do when walking by a stranger but then they'd look again as if they were trying to place where they knew me from.

It was a strange sensation at first, but it just kept happening over and over. I wondered if I had dressed funny or something but ruled out all those kinds of possibilities. All I could think of was thay they were responding to the great sense of self, my gratitude for the day, and the huge feeling that I was an important person in this world, as was everyone elso around me; part of this huge dance called life that we all have an equal part in.

After a beautiful sunset, I walked home to continue my evening. More on this latter.