Night of Solitude

To continue with my post about the time I spent by myself; the night was truely magical. I walked home from the beach marveling at the fact that I could walk home from the beach. I went inside and got myself something to drink and went outside to my sundeck to watch it get dark. I sat in a chair with my head resting against the backrest staring up at the palm trees that line my street.

I love the look of the sky as it is getting dark; the subtle change in the color from blue to black. I was reminded of playing outside as a kid and not wanting to go inside because of the amazing energy of the twilight and my reluctance to let go of another day.

It got dark so I went inside and lit some candles to initiate my night without electricity. I was making my dinner (on my gas stove) and started thinking about "Brenda", aka "the one" who I've decided to call Scout because of her love of the book "To Kill a Mockingbird" Anyway, I was thinking about how much I love her and laughed to myself as I thought "plus she's so hot,hot,hot!" Right when I thought this, one of the candles started flickering big time. Then it suddenly stopped so I thought to it "so you think she's hot too?" Same reaction, huge flickering action. So I thought "What about me?" Faint flicker answer. I think "Thanks a lot! So it's just Scout you think is hot" A definite flickering, yelling YES!

This made me laugh so much. I told Scout the next day that I needed to give her the candle since it's spirit was lusting after her. (This candle has very good taste!)

The rest of the evening included a long, luxurious, candle lit bath and time where I figured out a few things and planted the seeds of some emotional growth that is just now starting to become apparent.

The most important thing is knowing that I can stand on my on two feet no matter what.
I don't have to feel so vulnerable about the amazing, loving relationship that I'm grateful to be experiencing. I don't need to worry about what it would be like to lose this reality, even though I can also admit that this would hurt more than anything I've ever experienced, and that this solid footing paves the way for more intimacy and love than I've ever experienced. It seems more solid and stable. The future that I imagine, even with the difficulties I know are sure to follow, seems very possible; probable may be a better word. It's hard to wrap up these feelings in words. I read what I've written and it seems inadequite.

This is where I'm at now. I love this life I've been given.