In Love With Myself

The title to this post may seem very egotisical. I really couldn't think of any other way to head this up. This is something that came to me last night and it has kept me floating throughout the day today.

I was driving along talking to my... how should I put this... significant other... no, that's not it, too sterile,...my...best friend...true, but that's just not enough... let's see...lover...that's accurate but not what I'm after... Oh well, can't seem to do this relationship justice so I 'll call her "the one." I don't love the term, but it will have to do for now.

Where was I? It's sure easy to get sidetracked. Oh yeah, I was talking to "the one." We had already had an interesting, insightful, meaningful day and it would be hard to relate how we got on the subject, but I was telling her the things I liked about myself. In the past this would have been very ego based but I've been working on finding out who I really am and not how this relates to how I want people to see me. "The one" has been very helpful in this matter.

Anyway, as I was talking I got this wonderful feeling in the center of my chest. I was like joy was pouring into this area. I described this feeling to "the one" then got kind of still and suddenly said "It feels like I'm falling in love with myself."

The statement startled me, but it felt like one of the most important and true statements I had ever made. I can't even describe the feeling, but it was so powerful. It felt like this giant step I was taking that I had never anticipated before. Maybe even Nirvana like.

My vast readership should know that I'm mostly posting this to save for me. I hope to have captured enough of this moment so that if it starts to fade in my memory,what I have written will remind myself of what seems like a very significant moment in my life.

I hope that anyone else that stumbles across this will have felt or will feel the satisfaction of being in love with yourself. I wonder how often this happens. It kind of came out of nowhere, but I am so humbled and grateful to have had this inspiring revelation.

Aloha

Aloha, what a great word. I spent time in Hawaii last year and knew then that it meant both Hello and Goodbye. But when you really stop and think about this it's quite insightful. Almost all Goodbyes have an element of Hello. If you leave one place or situation then you enter into something new and visa versa.

I'm definately in an Aloha moment at this time of my life. I'm saying Goodbye to a relationship that has been huge in my life for over 20 years. It's the right thing. It feels right although bittersweet. My Hello is equally huge. I'm looking at the future and there's this big, bright, beautful world waiting for me. ME!

I have no regrets as I close this Goodbye door. Most of it was pretty damn good. It's just time to move on. He will always be a part of my life because of the family we've created and all the memories we've shared. People refer to him as one of the nicest guys in town. This is true and he knows half the town; literally. I think he will always be my friend. I wish him the best.

Hello new life. We have a lot to do and experience. You are also my friend. Let's hold hands shall we?

Waiting 24 hours

Here's an interesting idea I got last weekend. Whenever someone wants to engage in some sort of confrontation that might escalate to petty name calling and excuse finding, why not just say, "Hey, I'll have to get back to you about this tomorrow."

Do not engage no matter what they say. Calmly repeat this statement if necessary and follow up by leaving.

Can you imagine what might happen if this behavior were to catch on? How many hurt feelings, broken noses, and fractured relationships might be spared? If I can remember, in the heat of the moment, I'm going to give this a try.

You know how you always look back on these sort of altercations and say "Damn, I wish I would have said this." But more than this I think that, when given the chance to think things through, I might see the value of what they had to say. It wouldn't matter if they were right or wrong but to be able to see a situation from another perspective,and have the time to think things through, might lead to some learning.

Emotional Honesty

I've had the habit for the last 40 or so years of being a bit emotionally dishonest. Never wanting to appear needy and wanting everyone to like me has caused some burdens in my life.

I've seen the error of my ways and have been working on changing this habit but human nature being what it is, I'm bound to slip now and then. It creeps up and bites me on the ass when I least expect it.

So here's the innocent exchange that is prompting this entry. I was feeling like talking to my friend....Brenda. I had seen Brenda earlier in the day but still wanted to talk to her. I called her up and her husband....Patrick answers. I love Patrick and was glad to get a chance to talk to him, get caught up, and set up a tennis date. Sometime in the middle of the conversation I asked if Brenda was busy getting the kids to bed. He says yes, she's reading to them right now.

At the end of the call he asks "Do you want Brenda to give you a call when she's done?" A completely straight forward question. The emotionally honest answer would have been. "Yes, I'd really like to talk to her, I'll be working in my office for the next hour." But do I say this? No, I say something like "Well, if she wants to talk to me she can call. You answered the main question I was going to ask her anyway....Blah, Blah, Blah."

So what was my rationale for doing this. Here's what goes on in my head when caught off guard. "Gee, I just saw her earlier today, she's probably tired, I'll see her again tomorrow, Patrick is probably tired of me taking so much of Brenda's time as it is, I really didn't have anything important to say anyway....Blah, Blah, Blah."

I'm so busted. This time at least I'm busting myself. Both Patrick and Brenda are pretty emotionally honest and know how to set boundaries. I should have trusted them to let me know if it was inconvenient to talk at that time. I know that. But knowing that and putting into practice at all times will take some doing. It's like I fall into the "pleaser mode" and can't help myself.

So what did this seemingly small exchange bring me? Hopefully futher insight into myself and the inner workings of my mind. It also brought on this blog entry at 5:30 in the morning.

Maybe I shouldn't be admitting this cause I don't want anyone to think I'm neurotic...See how easily this type of thinking comes up even when I'm just joking around? Well, I for one feel better now. The first step (or 20th or 30th step) to solving a problem is to admit you have one.

O.K. I have one. One what? One car, one dog, as far as I know, one life.... and, uh... a problem trying to manage other peoples feelings. Phew! there I said it.

Stories are everywhere

Does becoming a writer naturally open you up to seeing things to write about. Or is being in love the magic spell to view the world and all the small details with wonder.

One quick trip to Trader Joes yielded three ideas of things to write about on this blog. Don't have time now though. To make sure I don't forget...

1. The nature and deep psychological representations of Balloons.
2. The carefree play of a Father and Daughter.
3. The bird that refused to move.

Maybe by the time I can get to this I'll have even more. You never can tell.

Jumpin Jellyfish Batman!

I was having a great day. Following a super great night, fun morning and lazy, satisfied early afternoon. Even my tax preparation appointment went well.

Then sitting around the park with friends, the conversation turned to the huge amounts of jellyfish that have frequented our local beaches. One person said they'd heard that the jellyfish were moving on cause they had eaten up the local suply of zooplankton, that feeds on the phytoplankton. This algae is the one that causes the "red tide." So it is uncertain what will balance this out. Will we have to live with the red tide indefinately? How will this unbalance effect every other part of the ocean? Can this have to do with overfishing? And so on.

The conclusuion by many there was that the environment is in a state of colapse and no one knows how fast this will happen, how extensive it will be, and how it will all settle.

One person said she's resigned herself to the fact that we may not all be around for our normal lifetimes and it was like knowing that you have a terminal disease. We should all be grateful for each day and cherish the time we do have.

Part of me wants to embrace this philosophy and part of me wants to do something, anything to try to turn the tide (pun noted) and help put things back in balance even though I have no idea what this action would be. Then there's another part that wants to take the people I love to a safe place and be prepared somehow to survive the collapse and be part of the brave new world but that begs the questions Where? When? How?

Sigh. I read an author once who talked about the future "changes" and she said that the only thing to do was to follow your spirit; that this present human life is temporary anyway and that we're here to advance our spiritual selves. The point being that if we feel the need to move next to a nuclear power plant then that is exactly where our spirit can best evolve through whatever consequense this brings.

I guess it's time to pray. Ask for some guidance. It seems to me that a combination approach might be in order. Live this life like it is finite (which it is.) Try to do what you can to help put the balance back in order, and also prepare for survival. Maybe this is way too much to ask but I don't feel ready to give up yet.

What's next... Snow in Somalia?.... Oh!

A gift from the Fisherboy

The other night I was walking along the pier with two really important people in my life. The cool night air and ocean breeze were intoxicating. I felt great to be out there, holding hands, and engaging in pleasant conversation.

There were many people fishing along the edges of the pier. We came upon one group where two kids were complaining that they were not having any luck and why couldn't they have caught something already. The man to which these complaints were issued, probably their father, said something to the effect that the night was still young and to be patient.

These kids realized that they had caught our attention and started excitedly telling us that the other boy that was with them had just caught a SHARK! We responded appropriatly with "Wows" and "That's Great!"

The boy, about 9 years old with a buzz cut, who had caught the SHARK looked at us with these big excited eyes and confirmed Yes, he had actually caught a SHARK. Can you believe it, a SHARK! I think he started to go into a little detail as to how he had accomplished such a feat, but I was to caught up in the wonder that was in his voice.

We were just a bit past when we heard him proclaim "I AM FISHER BOY." I was beaming at this point but the icing on the cake came when he calmly started telling his family that a Fisher Boy was just like a Fisherman, only smaller.

Being a parent myself I realize how much effort that this father had put into setting up this adventure for his kids. It can take a lot of work to creating quality family time, the hope being that it will create stronger bonds and happy memories that everyone will have forever. Every once in a while, if you're really lucky, an event like this happens.

But being a person who just happened to stumble onto the magical moment is a gift. I didn't have to do all the preparation, we were just in the right place at th right time.

I don't know this boy or his family, but I'm grateful to have been a small part or maybe just a witness to the wonder, excitement, and adventure that transpired then.

Thanks Fisherboy and your whole support team.

My Dad

I've been thinking about my Dad a lot lately. He was my hero growing up. I was the tomboy/athlete in a family of all girls. I kind of ended up being the son he never had. That was fine with me.

My Dad was/ is an incredible athlete. He was admired by all his friends with his skills in golf, tennis, waterskiing, snow skiing, basketball... you name it. This gave us a special bond and I absolutely adored him and loved making him proud of me.

I remember him telling me when I was pretty young how he loved Braunswager sandwiches. He said he couldn't believe more people didn't like them. So of course I had to give it a try. It was pretty bad. Not horrible or anything, just not my style. Anyway, I told him I liked it. He was very pleased. He would make us Branswager sandwiches and it was like this bonding thing cause no one else in the family (the honest ones) liked them and he would say things like "Well A. and I know what's really good"

I realize now this was probably the start of my pleaser personality I took on, but at the time it felt wonderful to be part of this club. The Dad and me club. The great thing is I now know he would/will love me no matter what. I didn't have to pretend to like Branswager.

Anyway, Dad is now 73. He was still going strong till a few months ago when he came down with a case of the shingles. He's still hurting pretty bad and has lost a lot of weight and seems to have shrunk. I'm praying he recovers fully but this has been really hard for him. He tries to get out and play some golf but it wipes him out for the next day or two.

I never thought of my Dad as old before but that's what he looks like to me now. It's pretty scary. I don't want him to be old.

I really love this man.

Two Hour Drive

Every week my kids and I make a trip from the mountains, down the hill, to Orange County. We also make the trip back up. This takes about two hours each time. People are always asking me how we do it. They think that this must be a horrible, boring experience week after week.

The funny thing is is that we hardly notice any hardship with this. The time usually seems to fly by and it gives us the oportunity to have really nice uninterupted discusions, or to listen to good (and sometimes bad) music or just be alone with our thoughts. The times we travel are not peak trafffic times, so I find it kind of relaxing even though I'm the only one doing the driving.

I think that in a year or so, when the oldest is mobile, I will miss these times. Maybe for awhile we will share the driving which should take the relaxing part and throw it out the window. Oh well, I'm a bit of a thrillseeker anyway so this should give the trip a new twist.

Untill then I'll cherish this travel time with two really important people in my life. Every trip we learn a little more about each other. I'm truly blessed.