Emotional Honesty

I've had the habit for the last 40 or so years of being a bit emotionally dishonest. Never wanting to appear needy and wanting everyone to like me has caused some burdens in my life.

I've seen the error of my ways and have been working on changing this habit but human nature being what it is, I'm bound to slip now and then. It creeps up and bites me on the ass when I least expect it.

So here's the innocent exchange that is prompting this entry. I was feeling like talking to my friend....Brenda. I had seen Brenda earlier in the day but still wanted to talk to her. I called her up and her husband....Patrick answers. I love Patrick and was glad to get a chance to talk to him, get caught up, and set up a tennis date. Sometime in the middle of the conversation I asked if Brenda was busy getting the kids to bed. He says yes, she's reading to them right now.

At the end of the call he asks "Do you want Brenda to give you a call when she's done?" A completely straight forward question. The emotionally honest answer would have been. "Yes, I'd really like to talk to her, I'll be working in my office for the next hour." But do I say this? No, I say something like "Well, if she wants to talk to me she can call. You answered the main question I was going to ask her anyway....Blah, Blah, Blah."

So what was my rationale for doing this. Here's what goes on in my head when caught off guard. "Gee, I just saw her earlier today, she's probably tired, I'll see her again tomorrow, Patrick is probably tired of me taking so much of Brenda's time as it is, I really didn't have anything important to say anyway....Blah, Blah, Blah."

I'm so busted. This time at least I'm busting myself. Both Patrick and Brenda are pretty emotionally honest and know how to set boundaries. I should have trusted them to let me know if it was inconvenient to talk at that time. I know that. But knowing that and putting into practice at all times will take some doing. It's like I fall into the "pleaser mode" and can't help myself.

So what did this seemingly small exchange bring me? Hopefully futher insight into myself and the inner workings of my mind. It also brought on this blog entry at 5:30 in the morning.

Maybe I shouldn't be admitting this cause I don't want anyone to think I'm neurotic...See how easily this type of thinking comes up even when I'm just joking around? Well, I for one feel better now. The first step (or 20th or 30th step) to solving a problem is to admit you have one.

O.K. I have one. One what? One car, one dog, as far as I know, one life.... and, uh... a problem trying to manage other peoples feelings. Phew! there I said it.