sad song

Em posted about our break up. We had both stopped writing about the struggles we were having. When I just read her Feb. 20th post a bit ago I was angry. It seemed like I was some sort of after-thought. Here's some things I'd like you all to know.

I love em more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life. We've been through hell and back again and our relationship kept getting stronger and stronger. It started to become apparent that eduardo was having a hard time with it so even though we all made the commitment to all move in together in March we decided to give him some more time and space. I was assured by em that she had made equal commitments to both of us and would not let me go. She even gave me a special ring.

When an apartment came up for rent accross the street I asked both of them how they'd feel if me and my kids moved there. We could be moving forward towards living together and em and I could see each other every day without the 15 minute commute by car. We could eat more meals together and things like that. She said we would be like Lucy and Ethel. They both agreed. Then when the management company called to actually offer me the place, I called them and said "This is your last chance to back out." No, they both said they were happy with this. I was excited about this new phase in our relationship.

11 days later em tells me that she can't see me anymore. That she and eduardo are having so many problems that she's afraid they might break up and she'd couldn't see a way for her to work through this with me still in the picture. I tried to understand but was hurt that the commitment she made to me had fallen by the wayside. Of course if I known that things had gotten THAT bad I would have backed off myself.

I still love her. She is in a really hard place. She and eduardo have kids together. She still loves me. We are trying our best to remain friends. But I'm fucking lonely and it hurts a lot right now. I really thought this was going to work. I think I was pretty nieve though.

My kids are friends with em and eduardo and their kids. My daughter in particular was really excited to live accross the street from a couple of her best friends. They were all happy too when they thought we were going to all live together. That part's still OK. All the kids have taken the opportunity to pop over to each others place. I won't up and move them again. This has all been hard enough, you know, with them seeing me upset and heartbroken although I've tried to minimize this.

Anyway, life goes on. I'm not sure what the future will bring but I know that I will never be in another three person relationship as long as I live. I also know that whoever does end up with me as a life partner will be really lucky. After all this skill building in emotional honesty, good communication and heroic commitment that I've been working on the last four years, a two person relationship should be much easier. I seriously worked my ass off on this one! I don't think anyone could have tried harder than me. There just isn't any certainty in this life. At least I don't have to wonder if I'm gay or not. That question got answered loud and clear.