Us

She is
Amoung many other things:
Smart, soft, direct, funny, unflinchingly honest
Strong, sometimes fragile, supportive
Achingly beautiful, sexy, vibrant, expressive
Thoughful, candid, exploring

I love her

He is
Sturdy, sensitive, caring, loyal
Funny, athletic, handsome, protective
Musical, demonstrative, strong
Adorable, sexy, patient, kind
Just to name a few

I love him

I am
Very lucky, growing, learning
Sometimes vulnerable, physically strong, emotionally exploring
Intelligent, caring, quick, commited
Good humored, sexy, well liked, well loved
And much more

I love the person I am

We are
Connected, secretive, building
Excited, nervous, daring
Maybe crazy, always caring, honest
Amazingly sexy, alive, bold
This is only the beginning

I love us

We are three people who love each other
Venturing along a path typically unexplored
Living Advernture, Questioning Notions, Finding Ourselves

The last bite of ice cream

Bear with me. I’m going to attempt to attempt to piece together some rather diverse concepts. What do coming out, eating ice cream, three-way sex, and fighting have in common. Intrigued? Read on.

Today I drove for two hours and brought 13 of my students to work out with my Martial Arts instructor. Mr. G is a very dynamic individual. When he decided that he could not continue running his Karate school after 5 years he came to me and said "I’m asking you to take over the school. If you don’t do it, I’m just going to close the place because there is no one else here I feel comfortable leaving it to.” His wife has told me how I'm one of his favorite students and he has always been forthcoming with compliments as well as tips to help me get better. This man has changed my life and I respect him very much. I've run this school for almost six years. He has a way of relating life lessons while talking about the art of fighting.

Today he was trying to get across the concept that every strike should be like the only chance you have to save your life or the life of a loved one; it should not be wasted. He talked about this in several ways then he gets this big smile on his face and says "It's like that last bite of ice cream you have. You don't just pop it into your mouth and swallow; you savor it. You focus on the goodness of it and each strike should be like that last bite of ice cream."

Being the absolutely focused Martail Artist, my mind went immediately, albeit briefly, to the hot, hot sex the other night with em and eduardo. We were sharing a outrageously delicous bowl of ice cream and each bite was like the last one. This made me smile and also wonder what Mr. G will think when he knows about this unusual relationship.

Later on, he was talking to some of the older teenage students about how they should always learn and that these learning opportunities happen all the time if you look for them. He gave the example of a gay couple, two women, he knows that are raising four kids. I think some of the kids and one of the women train with him once a week in the mountains where he moved this past year. He was at their house for dinner and was asking them how they handled the pressures of raising four kids and dealing with the discrimination and hardships that must be present with this arrangement that so many others couldn't (wouldn't) understand. He didn't say how they answered him but he said he learned a whole lot from the conversation that he could relate to his own life about overcomming adversity. He didn't judge them at all and welcomed them into his life.

This gave me some hope that he will be supportive when I let him in on this big, rather unconventional, part of my life. I do think he'll be surprised though. He already knows and respects em and eduardo from the web based business he has helped us get into.

So there you have it. Life shoud be lived like that last bite of ice cream. Savor the love. Fight like there's no tomorrow. Engage in hot, hot sex and come out when it feels right.

This day

That sound
The sound of her voice over the phone
Calling to say goodnight
Somewhat soothes me after a hard day.

The emotions earlier clicked off one by one
But took place in seconds
Awkwardness, a question, another question, laughter,
caught up in the moment, let the guard down,
misspoken untimely words, realization!
Embarrasment, shock, confusion, guilt
Grasping for discreet words to explain my tears
Failure and panic, time constraint looming big
I flee causing more alarm and confusion.

The aftermath, trying to explain, apologies
The things I should have done
Better ways stored up for next time
Knowing there will be a next time
Sigh.

The sound of her voice calling briefly to say goodnight
We're both doing Mothering things with our children
This is good, we are many people
And yes, we are lovers too.

Jeff

I met Jeff when we were both in the second grade. He was a very friendly boy and had no problem meeting new people. He had this infectious grin and kind of devilish laugh. He had just moved to Bellflower from a farm in South Dakota. He missed it very much and always said he wanted to move back there. I thought being a farmer would be a really great thing and liked him right off.

We were friends all through elementary school. A sort of romance gradually made itself known by the fifth grade. He was the first boy I ever kissed.

Our family moved about 20 miles away the summer before the sixth grade. Jeff called me every Sunday. He considered me his girlfriend and I kind of went along with it till I started "going steady" with another boy.

Jeff became my friend again and would still call once a week. I don't remember much drama involved with this. He started out as a friend and the boyfriend stuff was just experimental at this point.

To make a long story a bit shorter, Jeff would remain my friend when I was dating someone and would ask me out when I wasn't. Looking back I guess I was using him but that wasn't readily apparent to me. (Slightly clueless I was) I shared many things with him that I didn't share with others such as my abortion. He was so supportive.

This all continued till his 21st birthday when he asked me to go to Vegas with him, stay at his sister's house, and help him celebrate. I ended up having sex with him for the first time and knew right away I made a big mistake. He was my friend and this complicated things and took us to a place this relationship was never meant to go.

Not long after he was visiting his relatives in South Dakota and met his future wife. He moved back there and is still married with four kids. We would talk about once a year, ususally he would call to wish me a happy birthday. I called him this year. It was the usual catch up call. I've known his wife was jealous of our friendship so this was as often as it was comfortable to call.

I told him about my divorce, which surprised him. He called back a few days later and asked about the circumstances of my split. I couldn't really talk so I called him back and relayed some of the details including the lastest with em and now also eduardo.
He, again, was super supportive.

He also told me that I broke his heart back in the day, but that the thing that he was most disappointed about was that our friendship had to be put on the back burner because of his wife. He told me that there were two people he would do anything for because of the strong connection he felt for them and that was me and his other childhood friend, Robert.

I wish I could talk to him more often. I realize how much I miss him but I would not, in any way, want to compromise his relationship with his wife. He said he would call in a few months instead of a year. I told him he's welcome to call anytime but I would not initate any more than the usual amount of calls.

I guess this is just how things go sometimes. I have some cherished memories with this person and feel that this relationship was and is very important in my life. Friendships like this are very rare, I think.

Son growing up

In order for my vast readership to stay awake, I have decided to change fonts. I have it on good authority that Times New Roman right out.

Now on with the show!

My son is 17 and a half years old; less then six months away from officially being an adult. Guess what? This scares the shit out of him!

He's been avoiding working toward a drivers liscense, so I've started being less inclined to drive him places. He wanted to meet some friends at Disneyland recently and asked for a ride. I told him that I would be willing to pick him up that night on my way to taking he and his sister to meet their Dad, but that he was responsible for getting himself there. He checked out the bus schedule on-line and made it with one transfer. Seems like a small thing but it was one step toward independence.

I told him he had one month to study for and take the Driver's learners permit test. He was annoyed with me but got to it the same evening. Tonight we had another college talk. Son is a writer and a damn good one. He hopes to make a living someday doing something creative like this. He would be a senior in high school this coming year but the fact that we homeschool, or more appropriately un-school means that we don't keep track of what grade he's in.

Anyway, I've also let him know that I expect him to take at least one college class this fall. Any class he wants, to get his feet wet. He says he'll do it (as if he had a choice) but confided in me that this whole adult thing has snuck up on him way too fast and he feels resistant to accepting the challenges that this entails. He said he wished he had just one more year "off" before having to this face this stuff.

I let him relate these feelings of trepidation, then told him taking one college class and getting his learners permit were just little baby steps. No one was pushing him into full time college and car ownership/responsibilities for at least another year so that really, he was geting his wish.

"I guess" he said in that voice that means he'll think this over.

The world out there can look pretty scary. He says he's afraid of screwing up while driving and getting into an accident. I said "We'll start in a big parking lot with no other traffic and slowly work our way up. No big hurry." I also said that the first time he drives by himself somewhere he wants to go and experiences tha feeling of freedom he'll understand that it's so worth getting past the fear.

As for me, part of me wishes he was a few years younger and I wouldn't have to be starting that big push put of the nest. It's a bit scary for me to think of him out in the world without me holding his hand.

He's such a great guy. He's smart, sensitive, amazingly creative and has a sense of humor very similar to mine. We can talk and laugh and have really interesting discussions. I'll miss him terribly when he is finally out on his own but we've created a foundation for a relationship that I feel will continue to grow and change in positive ways for the rest of our lives. I love him very much. I can relate to his fear but can't hold him too tight now. He's got to learn to fly!

Missing a trip

I should be in a tent cabin in Yosemite right now. I had this trip planned for months with some of my hiking budies from Idyllwild. Yesterday morning I woke up with a stomach ache, which soon turned into full blown nausea. I cancelled two karate classes and a special event the same evening by putting a sign in the front window and calling a few of the students who I was sure were coming and also having to drive from a ways away.

I knew I'd be layed up on the couch all day so I stopped and rented a couple of movies on my way home. Never did barf but felt like it most of the day. Slept and watched my movies all day. It felt king of good to slow my pace down and relax even though I was also feeling somewhat tragic.

It's interesting though that the day before I was super sleepy. I was also having feeling of trepidation about this three day trip. I've hardly ever felt like this before. I usually love to go on road trips, especially to such a beautiful place as Yosemite, with a hike to Half Dome for my second trip up those amazing cables to the top, but this low grade feeling of doom permeated my thoughts that day.

Anyway, I waited till 6 am this morning to make my final decision. Being that I was still feeling a bit flip floppy in my stomach and thought I could be too weak for a 16 mile hike from lack of eating, plus scheduling conflict I only just discoved on barfy day, I decided to stay in town.

I ended up slowly regaining my appetite which was readily apparent by dinner when I dined on home made chicken and dumpling soup made by em followed by a most delicious piece of chocolate cake, also baked by em, and ice cream.

This was to be a bonus/make up night with em and eduardo but he got called into work a mere hour ago. All three of us are very disappointed that he had to go.

Signing off for now. I've said a few prayers for my friends traveling and hiking. I sure hope that they have a fantastic trip. By the way, the trip leader/organizer is someone that inspires me very much. Karen is 62 years young and can out hike the entire group. Her spirit and strength amazes me.

They're just feelings afterall.

I had difficulty sleeping last night. I woke up about three and layed there trying to get back to sleep. I was wishing I was snuggled up with em and eduardo. It's something I'm not that used to. I was married for 21 years and I spent the last 5 years of that marraige spending half of each week away from my husband. The kids were almost always with me. I didn't miss being with him. He would call every day that I was gone and tell me that he missed me. I would always tell him the same cause I thought if I actually told him the truth, I would hurt him.

This was probably true but very dishonest. I thought I was responsible for everyone's feelings around me. This should have been a clear sign of trouble in our marraige and not buying into the cover-up, being straight up, might have opened some troubling doors but might have allowed us to work through some places that needed attention.

I stuffed feelings myself about some serious stuff as a kid so that my parents and everyone around me would see me as perfect. I had a boyfriend in high school and at 16 became pregnant. I had an abortion but could never tell anyone. I even drove myself to the appointment, cried into the huge breasts of the nurse that craddled my head, giving me comfort at the end of the procedure, had to stop the car to throw up on the way home and then return and pretend that everything was normal.

Later, when I tried to break up with this guy, he told me if I did, he would tell everyone including my parents about the abortion. I couldn't have that, so I stayed. I got so disgusted with him one night that I tried even harder to break it off. He walked away saying he was going to tell them right that minute. I got so full of rage and fear that I grabbed him by the shoulder, spun him around, and landed a right cross to his nose. It broke. I tended to him and took him to the doctor the next day and got to see him get his nose straightened. Still I stayed.

Months later I decided that it wasn't worth the lie to stay with him. I told him we were through and that I didn't care if he told. I ended up getting kicked and raped. That ended it though and the weird thing is that he never did tell. He died a few years later in a car accident, running from the police.

I processed these feeling really hard at age 42 and ended up going to my parents and telling them what happened. It seemed important to let this huge fear go even though there wasn't a big threat of it ever being revealed. They were very supportive and said they couldn't figure out why I hadn't shared it before. I knew why.

Anyway, I try not to operate this way anymore. If there is something bugging me, even if it feels like a burden to share with those I love, even if the feelings don't lead to resolution, I try my best to be honest. It's like living a whole life and not a half one under layers of protective covering.

I can tell em that I want more time with her even if it seems inconvenient. I know she'll do her best to find that time. I do the same for her also. It's the same since adding eduardo into the complete mix. We share these things and it works out well for the most part. I'm still getting used to being vulnerable but it gets easier with each place that I am emotionally difficult. As em says no one is "running away with their hair on fire." She'll also admit that there are times when that is exactly what she feels like doing. I don't take it personally.

This thing we are trying to do is hard and the road is full of potholes but some of the best places are off the beaten track and man, are we out there!

Long hard fine day, longer week

Some days I really love my job and become so engaged in what I'm doing that it isn't till the end of my last class that I realized how whipped I am. Teaching Martial Arts can be very challenging and every four weeks there is a Stripe Test. Students come in, sit down, waiting patiently for their turn to come up and show the requiements needed to earn their next stripe on their belts. This leads to Belt Tests and moving up the colored Belt ranks that eventually leads to a Black Belt.

What I love so much about Stripe Tests is the one on one coaching I can give to my students. There are often things I miss when trying to watch an entire class as they run through their drills, exercises etc. Sometimes I can help the timid student find their power, the shy student find confidence, the awkward student find balance. I always find a way to help get each student get to their next level.

I saw a very young student today who has only been at my studio for three months, usually with his thumb in his mouth, gradually starting to give that up, with absolutely no mention of it from myself or any of my instructors. He came up to test, took a serious guarding stance, and gave the most amazing "ugly" look through his entire test. "Ugly" is the word I use with the little ones to discribe a look that translates to "don't even think of messing with me" The great thing about this look, no matter your age, is that you can literally stop aggressive behavior from a person. The more confident you are in your ability to back it up, the least likely you are to become a victim.

That's the beauty of this type of activity. It's not just about the physical aspects, it's about the inward journey that takes place in each student and all the other areas of ones life that the training spills into.

As I am getting ready to fall into bed I am seriously missing being with em and eduardo. Some nights aren't so bad but I have to wait for my kids to be with their father to be able to spend the night. Thursday nights are usually drop off nights but I've agreed to let the kids stay with me this weekend which means another whole week before I have the night free. Seems like a long wait. I picture the two of them cuddled up and feel a bit left out. I do know they're missing me as well. Oh well, it's just one of the trade offs one has to make sometimes to be in this pretty incredible relationship. So off I go, all alone in my airplane bed, no co-pilot(s).... Whoa oh whoa is me... (Back of my hand dramatically pressed to my brow.)