Post funeral musings

I went, yet again, to another funeral yesterday. I think this may have been my fourth in the past year. Gina was a girl I knew in high school. She was really short, pretty unusual looking, very smart and super funny. She had this gruff voice that sounded like she'd been smoking from the time she was born. We weren't really close. Even though she was a year older than me she befriended my younger sister who some may have called the wild child of the family. Gina was kinda wild too but not in that lost kind of way - at least that's how it looked to me.

The whole family liked her which was unusual for most of my sister's friends. We'd all sit around the kitchen table and talk and laugh together. Then she and Jill would go off to some party or something. Gina wrote a poem about my mom's love of books and gave it to her out of the blue. She was just cool like that. Jill was shocked and devastated when she got the news so I offered to go to the funeral with her for emotional support.

Here's the thing about going to funerals and hearing people talk about the person that has passed away. Almost always, what the speaker has the fondest memories of is not that well planned trip to the Bahamas, it's the little moments where our humanity's touch and in the small ways that we reach out for each other in comfort or humor or love.

One woman, who was Gina's AA sponsor, good friend and biking buddy, remembered an evening where they spent a couple of hours cracking each other up thinking of all the sentences they could use the word "dude!" in. She went on to say that they both decided not to tell anyone that they had done this because...well...it seemed so stupid. In reality it was totally charming and sounded like something I would have found really amusing myself! Another woman said she really enjoyed just hanging out in "G's" garage while they both polished up their Harley's or how sometimes they would be out riding along together and would look over at each other and just say "NICE!"

I guess what I get from hearing people's special memories is that LIFE happens while we plan and wait for the "big things." We can get so caught up in the past and the future that we risk missing some amazing moments along the way. There is that saying "Be here now" which I think is really important but it helps when you can look back long enough to see the patterns for those significant moments in our lives whether it is about grieving, or joy, or contentment or whatever. Then you can appreciate the present all the more. It makes me want seek out opportunities to just spend time with the people I care about and really LIVE those times of joyous laughter, or comforting in times of sorrow or that feeling of true contentment which pops up it's head from time to time.

I'm waxing all philosophical now but I guess the important thing is what these moments of clarity do for me. Can I hang on to the feeling that I'm starting to "get it" and do I put into practice the lessons I seem to glean from looking back over a special person's lifetime and seeing what's really important?

Great Weekend

I had a great weekend. My birthday was Friday and I had one of those make-it-up-as-you-go along days. What I made up (with some assistance) was fabulous! Saturday I hit the beach with my friend Melora for a few hours. The weather was really nice. Sunday started wonky but I hit an Alanon meeting which helped straighten out my attitude and later I went dancing with em. I spent today in the mountains hiking with my kids, getting my hair cut and colored and going out for a birthday dinner with some friends. Now I'm back to my cozy apartment. I'm about ready to crash for the night. Sigh...life is really good sometimes!

Breaking Sports News

Hey sports fans. Let's here it for the very popular event known as "suddenly-finding-something-that-triggers-you-emotionally." The experts are great at realizing that something is up, calmly checking the facts, considering how much hormones or some core unresolved shit is fucking with their view of reality, not reacting immediately and responding in really emotionally healthy ways.

Yes, I know this sport well and guess what? There are times when I completely FAIL at this event. And the best part of this failure? Sometimes you get to take a few people out with you. You get to drag them through the quagmire where it's all messy and exhausting. Sure they can jump ship and refuse to participate but that takes a level of skill that most people don't completely possess at every waking moment. You sometimes snag them when they're vulnerable. Then there's the ever popular follow up event known as "having-to admit-that-you-kinda-blew-it." It may not come immediately but, for the most part, I'm getting much better at this one.

And... I had a great time at the Pride Parade and Festival and hanging out with some friends at a dock party nearby. Life can be sweet sometimes!

Twists and Turns

I used to see life with one purpose - to find the straight-away. I've thought that I'm young and still learning and growing and often veering off the road but once I get my shit together it will be smooth sailing down the super highway of life. Well that my friends, is faulty thinking.

I'm guessing life is all twists and turns and sometimes hanging on for dear life and having some fun along the way. I also think that I had it so easy growing up and during my young adulthood that now, when things are difficult, my mind tells me it's just too hard! It seems unfair and I just get paralyzed with the thought of having to struggle. I don't want it to be hard! In reality I have it pretty damn good compared to the vast majority of people in this world. Struggle is probably the key to growth especially losing the resistance to struggle. You can't get stronger if you're not willing to lift some weights! Or, to steal one of em's lines she uses on herself - maybe I'm full of shit.

In other news, I'm re-reading Jack Kerouac's "The Dharma Bums" which I read in my early 20's. I'm really enjoying it. There are these couple of lines that I keep pondering:

...I just skipped and jumped and danced around and I really learned that you can't fall off a mountain. Whether you can fall of a mountain or not I don't know, but I had learned you can't. That was the way it struck me."

Here's to not falling off the mountain!

What's up

Just a quick check in. I was totally in charge of the latest Black Belt test. The man who founded my school decided I was ready to take this task over. It felt good. The test went really well and I have three new Black Belts at the studio. One of them is my daughter. She did a great job and pretty much exceeded my expectations. I'm very proud of her.

Still haven't ditched out on the sheriff's deputy hiring process but I'm still thinking that this may not be the move I want to make so I guess I'm waiting for some clarity. One the bright side, I signed up two new students this week so far with a good possibility of one more tomorrow. That's moving in the right direction.