paralysis

Here's the thing. I own my own business. I've owned my own businesses since I was 20 years old. I have a degree in business. My latest business is a martial arts school which was handed over to me by my instructor who came to me one day and said "I want you to take over this school. You're the only one I'd trust to do this so if you're not interested I'm going to close the place down." That was over 6 years ago.

I took over and put a lot of work into it. It went from 65 students to a high of about 120. My goal was 200 students. Then I got involved with em and it seemed like it was all about me, and us, and discovering my true sexuality, and my emotional self which I had kept hidden, and Alanon work, and it was really distracting. I'd tell em as I went through yet another emotional discovery that "I don't have time for this!" She's assure me that I was doing really important stuff.

Then there was my divorce, and moving and the dramma of a three person relationship and all the twists and turns along the way. My family somewhat rejected me. My business suffered, my financial life suffered. I started to have to pull money out of my savings to make ends meet. I got depressed every time I did this but it kept bleeding. I got full of self doubt. I became paralysed and tragic and have not felt like myself in this way.

Now I'm grieving and the thing I always thought was that if this relationship with em ended I would put that energy into my business and at least get that back on track. My ego doesn't want anyone to know all this about me; especially the finanacial stuff so I've been faking it. But it's time for me to be honest. When I got divorced, I ended up with a pretty good amount of cash which was half of the equity from our house. I was always proud of the fact that even though my ex-husband liked to spend every extra cent we had I insisted that we pay an extra $500 a month on the mortgage. The plan was to own the house rent free by the time I was 50.

Anyway, as of yesterday I have less than half. I could just be grateful for the fact that this was/is there for me and I am, but what I feel like is a failure. Now I'm feeling paralysed. I'm wishing I didn't have to worry about money ( I know most of the population feels that too)

This fear of failure is keeping me from seriously working toward the goals I had for myself 6 years ago. I'm in that "I should have done it better" phase and want to get in that "it's time to take the bull by the horns, do what it takes and reach those goals" phase. Really I want to curl up and watch movies and go for walks and take vacations and generally get distracted from my life and this god damned grieving over the ending of this relationship.

So what's it going to take to kick start me? I'm hoping writing this will be a good start. I know how to make this business a success and I'm not doing it. I'm doing the minimum to keep the doors open. I've thought I was just lazy and that could be partially true but what I think is that I'm afraid of failing. It's easy to blame the drama of the last four years but I think I'm hoping for some kind of divine intervention, or correct intention or some shift from the universe because I'm a really nice, kind, loving person who really, really wants this and I deserve it. Plus what I have to give at that school is so valuable. God should know this and send students my way.

I guess I've got to do the footwork. Praying and hoping won't make it so. There is a part of me that thinks that the universe will help but I have to meet it half way. It's not that I think being financially succesful is the answer to a happy life but I've been struggling and worrrying for so long. I know that this is a big piece of the puzzle for me and my self esteem and some security and serenity. This is true no matter what happens in my personal life. I want to come from a position of power and balance.

I'm going to stop now. I'm on a roll that could take up pages but there it is. Honesty.

sad song

Em posted about our break up. We had both stopped writing about the struggles we were having. When I just read her Feb. 20th post a bit ago I was angry. It seemed like I was some sort of after-thought. Here's some things I'd like you all to know.

I love em more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life. We've been through hell and back again and our relationship kept getting stronger and stronger. It started to become apparent that eduardo was having a hard time with it so even though we all made the commitment to all move in together in March we decided to give him some more time and space. I was assured by em that she had made equal commitments to both of us and would not let me go. She even gave me a special ring.

When an apartment came up for rent accross the street I asked both of them how they'd feel if me and my kids moved there. We could be moving forward towards living together and em and I could see each other every day without the 15 minute commute by car. We could eat more meals together and things like that. She said we would be like Lucy and Ethel. They both agreed. Then when the management company called to actually offer me the place, I called them and said "This is your last chance to back out." No, they both said they were happy with this. I was excited about this new phase in our relationship.

11 days later em tells me that she can't see me anymore. That she and eduardo are having so many problems that she's afraid they might break up and she'd couldn't see a way for her to work through this with me still in the picture. I tried to understand but was hurt that the commitment she made to me had fallen by the wayside. Of course if I known that things had gotten THAT bad I would have backed off myself.

I still love her. She is in a really hard place. She and eduardo have kids together. She still loves me. We are trying our best to remain friends. But I'm fucking lonely and it hurts a lot right now. I really thought this was going to work. I think I was pretty nieve though.

My kids are friends with em and eduardo and their kids. My daughter in particular was really excited to live accross the street from a couple of her best friends. They were all happy too when they thought we were going to all live together. That part's still OK. All the kids have taken the opportunity to pop over to each others place. I won't up and move them again. This has all been hard enough, you know, with them seeing me upset and heartbroken although I've tried to minimize this.

Anyway, life goes on. I'm not sure what the future will bring but I know that I will never be in another three person relationship as long as I live. I also know that whoever does end up with me as a life partner will be really lucky. After all this skill building in emotional honesty, good communication and heroic commitment that I've been working on the last four years, a two person relationship should be much easier. I seriously worked my ass off on this one! I don't think anyone could have tried harder than me. There just isn't any certainty in this life. At least I don't have to wonder if I'm gay or not. That question got answered loud and clear.

coming out monologue

Here's a copy of the monologue I did for my acting class. I had it down pat but in front of the class I couldn't remember every part. That was OK because we were allowed to glance at our notes. I was shaking like a leaf but really I probably would have been worse if I had actually told them this then. As it was, in my forties, I outed myself through an email.

Two minute monologue
Saying something that you wished you would have said, but did not.

The year is 1981, I’m 20 years old, living with the folks and going to Long Beach State to get a degree in business. This is something I wished I could have told them.


Hey Mom and Dad. There’s something I want to tell you that’s really hard for me.

Ever since I can remember it has always been really important to me to have your approval. All was right with the world when I made you proud.

Whenever I disappointed you, I felt terrible. You never had to punish me as a kid because your disapproval was devastating!

I know you have expectations for my life and I’ve done my best to live up to them. You both have gone out of your way to give me as many advantages as possible. For this I will always be grateful.

There is a part of me that I have kept secret. I have even tried really hard to make this part of me go away or stay hidden. The reason that I haven’t told you or anyone else about this is that I’m afraid of being rejected… and losing your love. This is an overwhelming fear.

But it’s time to speak my truth. I’m gay. I’m a lot of other things too. I hate labels but I’m more attracted to women than I am to men. This is not something I’ve chosen, but is as much a part of me as the color of my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I like men. I’ve enjoyed the relationships that I’ve had with guys but there is always something missing, something important.

I know this isn’t something that you would have wished for. I realize that you both are probably really disappointed and that’s hard for me.

No, I’ve never had a girlfriend. What usually happens is that I develop these huge crushes then end up being really great friends. I’ve always been afraid to let them know how I feel and like I said, I’ve been trying my best to deny these feelings myself. I cherish these close friendships and haven’t been willing to risk compromising that.

This can not be prayed away. I tried that already. Therapy isn’t the answer either. I’m telling you this now because I want to persue a life that includes me dating women and eventually finding someone to share my life with. I don’t want to sneak around and try to hide this from you.

I just hope you can still love and continue support me.