paralysis

Here's the thing. I own my own business. I've owned my own businesses since I was 20 years old. I have a degree in business. My latest business is a martial arts school which was handed over to me by my instructor who came to me one day and said "I want you to take over this school. You're the only one I'd trust to do this so if you're not interested I'm going to close the place down." That was over 6 years ago.

I took over and put a lot of work into it. It went from 65 students to a high of about 120. My goal was 200 students. Then I got involved with em and it seemed like it was all about me, and us, and discovering my true sexuality, and my emotional self which I had kept hidden, and Alanon work, and it was really distracting. I'd tell em as I went through yet another emotional discovery that "I don't have time for this!" She's assure me that I was doing really important stuff.

Then there was my divorce, and moving and the dramma of a three person relationship and all the twists and turns along the way. My family somewhat rejected me. My business suffered, my financial life suffered. I started to have to pull money out of my savings to make ends meet. I got depressed every time I did this but it kept bleeding. I got full of self doubt. I became paralysed and tragic and have not felt like myself in this way.

Now I'm grieving and the thing I always thought was that if this relationship with em ended I would put that energy into my business and at least get that back on track. My ego doesn't want anyone to know all this about me; especially the finanacial stuff so I've been faking it. But it's time for me to be honest. When I got divorced, I ended up with a pretty good amount of cash which was half of the equity from our house. I was always proud of the fact that even though my ex-husband liked to spend every extra cent we had I insisted that we pay an extra $500 a month on the mortgage. The plan was to own the house rent free by the time I was 50.

Anyway, as of yesterday I have less than half. I could just be grateful for the fact that this was/is there for me and I am, but what I feel like is a failure. Now I'm feeling paralysed. I'm wishing I didn't have to worry about money ( I know most of the population feels that too)

This fear of failure is keeping me from seriously working toward the goals I had for myself 6 years ago. I'm in that "I should have done it better" phase and want to get in that "it's time to take the bull by the horns, do what it takes and reach those goals" phase. Really I want to curl up and watch movies and go for walks and take vacations and generally get distracted from my life and this god damned grieving over the ending of this relationship.

So what's it going to take to kick start me? I'm hoping writing this will be a good start. I know how to make this business a success and I'm not doing it. I'm doing the minimum to keep the doors open. I've thought I was just lazy and that could be partially true but what I think is that I'm afraid of failing. It's easy to blame the drama of the last four years but I think I'm hoping for some kind of divine intervention, or correct intention or some shift from the universe because I'm a really nice, kind, loving person who really, really wants this and I deserve it. Plus what I have to give at that school is so valuable. God should know this and send students my way.

I guess I've got to do the footwork. Praying and hoping won't make it so. There is a part of me that thinks that the universe will help but I have to meet it half way. It's not that I think being financially succesful is the answer to a happy life but I've been struggling and worrrying for so long. I know that this is a big piece of the puzzle for me and my self esteem and some security and serenity. This is true no matter what happens in my personal life. I want to come from a position of power and balance.

I'm going to stop now. I'm on a roll that could take up pages but there it is. Honesty.