Heartbreak

Many of you visit em's blog. If so you know about the break up. I don't have it in me to write about this experience all over so I'm going to copy the email I sent to my blogger friend Anne. She was someone I connected to in the blogging world. We've never met or even talked on the phone. I asked her a few months ago if she would be my sounding board so we've been writing back and forth. Here goes:

Hi Anne,

I know it's been awhile and I did not respond to your last email. Sorry. Things have been really off balance lately.

I just broke up with Em this morning and I am a wreck. I feel good about the way I did it. There have been a few more struggles since I was last writing. It would seem that we had things back on track the WHAM! something else would come up. I started thinking the universe was trying to tell me to get out!

If I would have broken it off right at these times I would have done so in Anger and it would have seemed like someones "fault." This would also have made it more possible that it would sever our friendship as well.

As it is, I had something come into focus for me that had eluded me before. I knew I was struggling being in a non-monagamous relationship and that most of the drama was coming from me not handling this well.

Then it hit me. The same way I tried to deny my attraction for women my whole adult life, used every effort to convince myself that wasn't me, that is exactly the way I was with this relationship. I am no more able to be completey heterosexual than I am to be OK in a poly relationship (non-monogamous) I found a big part of myself in my loving Em but I was trying to fit the square peg in the round hole with the three thing.

It's so hard breaking up with my best friend and the person that I love more than I ever thought it was possible to love. We're both heartbroken.

She'll be a hard act to follow. I'll still have them both in my life but the thought of us not being romantically intimate is breaking my heart. I guess I need to focus on me right now. Sigh.

Thanks for listening (reading) and being so helpful even with all the struggles you've been experiencing lately. I am really grateful to you.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to give you support right now and in the future.

Anabel

So there you have it. I'm having a hard time eating and sleeping. I really wish I had been emotionally equipt to be in this type of relationship. Anyone wanting to send prayers or peaceful thoughts our way would be greatly welcome. I'm concerned for the kids as well.