DOUBT

I hate living in doubt. It seems to be my place right now. It gnaws at my insides. I try to rationalize it away, pray it away, read something positive or ignore it. Nothing seems to work for very long. It seems like a pretty unhealthy way to be in existence. Distraction seems to be my best ally right now. Quiet time is anything but.

I want to find a stable balanced place to operate from. Any thought of doing something different from what I'm doing now, that might move me away from these doubts, brings up more doubt. I feel stuck.

Every once in a while I feel hopeful. It's a really great feeling. It's like you're ready to take on the world. I want to spend most of my time there. I could handle moments of doubt but I am not liking having doubt be my baseline.

Guess there must be something for me to learn here but I'm also tired of the FGO's. Fucking growth opportunities. Once I get past these difficult times, I do often feel like I've gained valuable life experience. I guess I spent so much of my life hiding from myself and doing and being what was expected of me that now it's scary to be true to who I am. I'm only now just getting to know myself but sometimes I want to quietly crawl back into my cocoon.

Just writing this seems to have softened up the rock in my stomach that I woke with this morning. I'm off to the studio to do some work. Son is going to his girlfriend's house this afternoon for the rest of the day so daughter and I are going to spend some time together in the ocean later. I'm really looking forward to that.

Update: You know, I have some tools for this type of thing. I'll read something or listen to someone at my Al-anon meetings who has valuable ways of looking at situations/feelings. The only thing in my control is my own reactions. Em had sent me an email with a link to a personal development guy, Steve Pavlina, about "The Joy of Sadness." The article is kind of long so she also sent a excerpt. I went back and read the entire thing a while a go. It's very powerful and fits my situation today very nicely. I recommend him highly.

The Ocean was great. Now daughter and I are off to a dinner date!