Missing a place, missing the past

It's 4:50 am. I woke up a half hour ago and started thinking. It's dangerous to start thinking at this hour of the morning; leads to sleep deprevation. These thoughts seemed important to save so here I am, rich with blogging content. This may begin a new series.

Yesterday I took the two hour drive up to my old home town in the local mountains to pick up the kids and go to the Jazz Festival there. Idyllwild is such a beautiful place! It was at my suggestion, in 1999, that Bill (the blog name I've given to my ex-husband) and I figured out a way to live in this small mountain community; in a place that actually had obvious seasons - snow even.

I clearly remember when the first inklings of this scheme were hatched. We were sitting outside our small motorhome where we were camping just outside Idyllwild. The sun was shinning through the pine and cedar trees. There was a cool nip in the air. The sky was the most amazing blue color. The peace of this place settled all the way into my bones. I looked over at Bill and said, "I feel like I'm home."

About six months later we were needing to move. The house that my parents rented to us was being sold. I told him that I thought we could figure out a way to live in Idyllwild. We could live there, travel down for a few days every week to work the business we had here, and continue our Martial Arts training (which I was very dedicated to.) We bought a small sturdy cabin and moved in. Then every Monday morning we'd pack up our two kids, travel down to the coast and pick up the motorhome which we strored there. This became my vehicle for the next four days. Bill would go to work and the kids and I would lay in supplies, visit the beaches and parks. We had Disneyland passes and would go there once a week. I worked only one full day each week, besides the bookkeeping etc,. We'd all meet back in the karate school parking lot, have dinner, train, then lock outselves in our cozy motorhome nest laughing, talking or just being quietly close to each other, then go to sleep. On Thursay evening we'd put the motorhome back in storeage, and head back up.

People always asked whether I got tired of the drive and living in two places. For the most part I really liked it. I appreciated so much of what I had in both areas and I like driving anyway. Things slowly changed but I'm getting away from the original intent of this post.

I could go on about what I don't miss about this time and how my new life is really great now but here's what I miss. I miss not owning a home. I figured out how much extra to pay to own it free and clear by the time I was 50 (I'm 46 now.) I miss living in a beautiful forested place that smelled so good. I miss the quiet and my every Sunday morning hike with "the ladies." I miss Dome Rock; my thinking place, which was a 5 minute walk from home with this great panoramic view. I miss the rumbling, traveling sound of thunder which I got to hear yesterday. I miss living in a place where running into people you know as you go about your business is so common nobody is surprised. I miss playing music with the band Bill and I started. I miss my friends there. I'm really missing not being the only bread winner. It's not that we didn't have money issues but it didn't fall all on my shoulders and I had much more free time. I don't so much miss the actual relationship I had with Bill, but I have to be honest and say that a two person relationship is less complicated than three. I miss being with the kids up there on the weekends and having that non working time with them. I miss the change of seasons. I miss the snow.

I remember vividly the first time it snowed after we moved in. Bill is a weather watcher and said that snow bound to happen soon. When it did we all went outside and watched the snowfakes dance their way to the earth. We did out own dance of joy. It was truly magical. My heart sang.

This place is still only two hours away. I have friends who would love to have me stay with them anytime. I talked to a friend, who is a brilliant photographer, about coming up and going for a hike with her. I told her I'd give her a call to do this. Usually those "give me a call and we'll....." things fall by the wayside but I really want to follow up. I have lots of hiking buddies. I think I need this. Being out in nature in this way feels like a sanity saver and I'm not saving myself enough.

I got this little sticker yesterday that says "The only constant is change." Do I want to go back to my old life? No, at least not all of it. Do I want to take part in some of those things that brought joy into my life then? Yes.