Come on now, I'm not this emotional!

My stomach has been tied up in knots on and off for the past few days. I'm feeling like a person clinging on to a life ring in a strong storm. It's like I've just gotten some air then wham! another wave hits me. I've gotten angry about this, worked out hard when I felt like barfing, cried some, I've attended Alanon meetings and have just wanted to run away by myself and ride out the storm. I take solice in the fact that I know this is temporary.

I was never like this before, at least not even close to this extent. I find myself wishing I could go back to that person who lived life on the surface, always looked on the bright side and rationalized most of my feelings away. I couldn't go back even if I tried, nor would I want to. Patrick told me there is a lot of power in feelings that have been bottled up inside for so long. He is right.

I also realize that one of the things I'm having such big feelings about isn't going to change just because I'm having these feelings. The situation will not be modified by my fit throwing. This is where I'm having trouble seeing the advantages of going through this at all. It takes away time that could be better spent on other parts of my life that are critical to my well being. My kids don't have their normally happy Mom around them either.

Scout pointed out that going through these feelings, even when they don't change the situation, is valuable because it helps me to get inside and know the real me. The value comes from the process of allowing myself to experience these feelings, to go deep, to not stuff them and not so much about the situation causing them. The kids get to see that their Mom is real, has real feelings, and works through them This allows them, by example, to not be scared to show their feelings as well. This is true even when I have to tell them that I can't explain why I'm feeling sad. I really don't want them to become feeling stuffers like I was, so this is good.

Just writing this post has helped calm me down for the time being. There is also power in expressing your feelings and getting things off your chest. This blog is one nice way to accomplish this. It doesn't matter if it is hardly read by anyone. I knew when I set it up that I wanted a place to relate stuff on whatever level I wanted.

I have a whole day ahead of me. I'll do what needs to be done. I won't try to force myself to get some closure on this set of emotional upheavals. It seems closer though now. I also know these things will come up from time to time. Right now, I'm hoping to get a fairly large break, some calmer seas, so I can have strength to ride out the next storm.

Holiday driving blues

Easter is not my holiday. The folks like to get the family together to celebrate. They live an hour away on "normal" days but today it took two hours to get there and two and a half to get home. I love these people and it was mostly nice to be together and get caught up but why exactly does this have to take place on these scheduled days? Traffic is always horrible and when I suggest that everyone come my way I hear that it is easier for the majority to get to my parents house.

Last Thanksgiving I suggested that we get together Friday or Saturday instead of Thursday when everyone else is on the roads trying to fufill their family obligations. What big difference does this make? You'd think I had commited blasphemy! What would they do on Thanksgiving then? Sit around their own houses? I said "Well what are you planning to do on Friday or Saturday? Couldn't you just do that same thing then?" My older sister said she goes shopping and that can't be done on Thanksgiving.

Oh well, I ended up spending a absolutely fabulous day picnicing locally in the wetlands area overlooking the ocean with Patrick, Scout, their kids, me and my kids and another family. It was great. This is what I hope to do this year as well. The folks and the rest of my family are probably going to see this as my being selfish, but they'd be welcome to join us. This isn't the TRADITION though so I don't see it happening.

Not having me and my kids at a few of the holidays might change their minds but that's O.K. if it doesn't. We are starting new traditions that at some point my kids may rebel against and this too is fine. I'm willing to compromise sometimes but not all the time. The kids and I also started celebrating Solstice instead of Christmas this last year and had one of the most memeorable days of our lives. Yes, we still did Christmas with my parents, sisters etc. but it's up in the air for this year. Balance, that's what we're trying to find; balance and peace.

I'm not so sure....

Got this idea from em. Don't think it's too accurate myself.

AHK took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a change in her circumstances or in her rela..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

"Surviving" Sacramento

Here we are in a motel in a town near Sacramento. The kids and I drove for about 8 hours which included a lunch stop, a bit of traffic and rain.

It's the State D.I. tournament tomorrow. If they place in the top two or three places then we get to go to the globals inTennesee. We'll see.

I'm watching a cool survival show now. I love this stuff. I found out how to make "muckalucks" from the seat of a truck. Could save your feet from frostbite in severe weather. Gotta go and get more tips.

Looking back...Loving Now....Looking forward

I've been pondering something of late. I guess the fact that I'm embracing my not so straight sexuality has caused me to comtemplate those places in my young life where there were signs of attraction that I felt I needed to ignore, rationalize away, run screaming from or transform into some pretty incredible platonic friendships.

I posted recently about seeing my friend Suzy coaching softball. She was someone I admired but never was romantically attracted to. She never dated in High School that I knew of and I found out later from a chance meeting with her Dad that she was "living" with another gal. I thought good for her!

Last Friday I went to see another community college softball game coached by a woman I knew from the same circles as Suzy. Kim ended up being the "Athlete of the Year" at our high school and spent time in Florida on a Professional softball team.

It was fun watrching this game as well. Kim was doing a good job with her team although didn't look as enthusiatic as I thought she would. She looked kind of stiff like she was having back problems. The people in the stands knew each other and were talking about what a great job she was doing with the team. They are in second place for the season and have a shot at the Championship.

Kim was someone I was attracted to. I remember being really nervous to talk to her and really excited when she came up and started a conversation with me. I thought she was talented, pretty and fun in that silly kind of way. She had a lot of influence on all the girl athletes.

If you played extracurricular sports in high school you were put into a special P.E. class. One day Kim and got everyone that played on her teams to all tuck our shirts into our shorts to differentiate us from the "others." It was all in good fun but darned if she didn't have us all helplessly laughing and calling ourselves the "in-tucks" for a good few weeks.

I remember one time we were talking and she asked what I was doing over the weekend. I told her I was going to the beach the next day with my older sister and her boyfriend. She said she loved the beach so I asked her if she wanted to come along. I was so excited when she said yes! We picked her up and had a really fun day. Most of my other friends were more into sunbathing so I was happy when we got there and she said she just liked to be in the water most of the time. That's what we did. You'd think that ths would be a big bonding moment and that we'd become good friends but no. We were still friends but didn't start hanging out any more than basketball practice etc.

I was busily dating boys all through high school and Kim was another one who didn't seem to date. She once went to a dance with our Basketball coach's son but everyone knew it was just to please the coach. I didn't find out she was into girls till I heard that she was dating the woman who coached her college team. I also thought good for her but in a more melancholy way. When you meet someone when your 11 years old and your just figuring out who you are and how you're going to fit into society it's hard to even think that those excited feelings you eventually have to be near someone, especially of the same sex, are anything other than some strong, strange attraction.

I wouldn't have recongnized Kim if I passed by her on the street but I had seen her picture and knew where to find her. When I came up to say Hi after the game she didn't immediately place me and then said "didn't we play field hockey together?" When I said it was basketball and softball she then remembered other things like where I lived etc. It has been almost 27 years for god's sake.We had a really nice conversation and she thanked me for coming to the game. She said it'd be great if I came to other games as well.

It's funny to think how much influence we all have on each other sometimes without knowing it. I seriously doubt Kim ever had any idea how I felt about her. I wasn't so sure myself. It's only looking back on it that I realized that what was happening then was sexual attraction. If I wasn't so scared I probably would have recognized it for what it was. Maybe... I could have been like Kim and Suzy and done the whole coming out thing in my teens or twenties and not waited till I was 40 something.

Then again, if that all would have happened then I might not have had my fantastic children and I wouldn't be in this incredible situation I am now. I probably would have missed being in love with the most amazing woman ever and also falling for the man she's in love with too. I know it sounds strange from the outside but feels wonderful from the inside, where it counts. I avoided certain feelings when I was younger based on what I was afraid people would think of me and although this particular part of my life is not for regular consumption, I'm not avoiding it either and at some point most of the people I care about will know. They may think I'm a freak but that is their problem not mine.

What a supremely wonderful adventure this life has been. It's nice to look back to learn a few lessons about ourselves but I love my present reality and am looking forward to the future with open arms.

What to do?

I've had two weekends in a row that were incredibly nice. I spent most of my time with with Scout, Patrick and their kids (not going with the bikes and cake analogy today.) It's this nice family blending with some amazing sex thrown in when the kids are fast asleep or otherwise being watched by one of the three of us. My kids were safely tucked away with their father for both weekends which gives me the freedom to have this experience.

I love my kids very much but I really like having my weekends completely free to do what I want without having to explain my wherabouts to anyone. My Son is wanting to spend more weekends here at my place and got up the nerve to tell his father this. What I was hoping for was that he would let his Dad know that he is pretty bored up in the mountains with him and that they would address that problem in a way that they could brainstorm ways to alleviate the boredom somewhat so that son's time up there would be better. His Dad took the news really well and said he could underdtand where Son was coming from and although he looked forward to having both the kids with him on the weekends, he would talk to me about having them stay with me more.

I'm sorry but this will totally cramp my style. I won't be able to spend practically entire weekends with my other family when my kids are here. It's become something I really look forward to and, as it is, the kids stay with me most of the week and at least one weekend a month. I guess Son is hoping for every other weekend with Dad. I feel sort of selfish wanting things to stay the way they have been. Daughter says she could go either way but also looks forward to staying with me more. Son is 17 and I guess I have to expect things to change no matter what. Everyone has to shift a bit here but I'm resisting.

It's not that I can't see my other family when my kids are here, in fact it's also nice for the whole bunch of us to be together but I can't stay the night there and it's soooo nice to snuggle up together and fall asleep in that sleepy, loving, wrapped around each other kind of way. Sure I have to move out to the couch in the early morning so as to be in a less compromising position when boy or girl get up but then eventually we're all up having breakfast together and doing the family thing once again. It's really nice.

O.K. I realize I'm whinning here. One less weekend a month is not going to kill me. It would be great if my kids could make some good friends in the mountains so that they would look forward to being there more. Maybe agreeing to let them stay with me more often would just take them off the hook to find ways of coping with their boredom and isolation they feel when they are there. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I haven't agreed to anything yet. We all have out needs and wants so I guess it's a matter of balancing them out. Son will be driving soon and will have more control of his comings and goings and this will change the dynamic anyway.

Now I'm rambling. It'll all work out. Someday I hope to live full time and share a home with my other family with my kids there as well. It just seems way down the road and I'm feeling impatient. I love myself. I love my kids. I love Scout and Patrick. I love their kids too. With so much love going around it seems like it's all going to be fine with a bit of adjustment thrown in for good measure. Worthwhile things take work and I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and have at it. Change can be uncomfortble. Sigh....