Come on now, I'm not this emotional!

My stomach has been tied up in knots on and off for the past few days. I'm feeling like a person clinging on to a life ring in a strong storm. It's like I've just gotten some air then wham! another wave hits me. I've gotten angry about this, worked out hard when I felt like barfing, cried some, I've attended Alanon meetings and have just wanted to run away by myself and ride out the storm. I take solice in the fact that I know this is temporary.

I was never like this before, at least not even close to this extent. I find myself wishing I could go back to that person who lived life on the surface, always looked on the bright side and rationalized most of my feelings away. I couldn't go back even if I tried, nor would I want to. Patrick told me there is a lot of power in feelings that have been bottled up inside for so long. He is right.

I also realize that one of the things I'm having such big feelings about isn't going to change just because I'm having these feelings. The situation will not be modified by my fit throwing. This is where I'm having trouble seeing the advantages of going through this at all. It takes away time that could be better spent on other parts of my life that are critical to my well being. My kids don't have their normally happy Mom around them either.

Scout pointed out that going through these feelings, even when they don't change the situation, is valuable because it helps me to get inside and know the real me. The value comes from the process of allowing myself to experience these feelings, to go deep, to not stuff them and not so much about the situation causing them. The kids get to see that their Mom is real, has real feelings, and works through them This allows them, by example, to not be scared to show their feelings as well. This is true even when I have to tell them that I can't explain why I'm feeling sad. I really don't want them to become feeling stuffers like I was, so this is good.

Just writing this post has helped calm me down for the time being. There is also power in expressing your feelings and getting things off your chest. This blog is one nice way to accomplish this. It doesn't matter if it is hardly read by anyone. I knew when I set it up that I wanted a place to relate stuff on whatever level I wanted.

I have a whole day ahead of me. I'll do what needs to be done. I won't try to force myself to get some closure on this set of emotional upheavals. It seems closer though now. I also know these things will come up from time to time. Right now, I'm hoping to get a fairly large break, some calmer seas, so I can have strength to ride out the next storm.