Looking back...Loving Now....Looking forward

I've been pondering something of late. I guess the fact that I'm embracing my not so straight sexuality has caused me to comtemplate those places in my young life where there were signs of attraction that I felt I needed to ignore, rationalize away, run screaming from or transform into some pretty incredible platonic friendships.

I posted recently about seeing my friend Suzy coaching softball. She was someone I admired but never was romantically attracted to. She never dated in High School that I knew of and I found out later from a chance meeting with her Dad that she was "living" with another gal. I thought good for her!

Last Friday I went to see another community college softball game coached by a woman I knew from the same circles as Suzy. Kim ended up being the "Athlete of the Year" at our high school and spent time in Florida on a Professional softball team.

It was fun watrching this game as well. Kim was doing a good job with her team although didn't look as enthusiatic as I thought she would. She looked kind of stiff like she was having back problems. The people in the stands knew each other and were talking about what a great job she was doing with the team. They are in second place for the season and have a shot at the Championship.

Kim was someone I was attracted to. I remember being really nervous to talk to her and really excited when she came up and started a conversation with me. I thought she was talented, pretty and fun in that silly kind of way. She had a lot of influence on all the girl athletes.

If you played extracurricular sports in high school you were put into a special P.E. class. One day Kim and got everyone that played on her teams to all tuck our shirts into our shorts to differentiate us from the "others." It was all in good fun but darned if she didn't have us all helplessly laughing and calling ourselves the "in-tucks" for a good few weeks.

I remember one time we were talking and she asked what I was doing over the weekend. I told her I was going to the beach the next day with my older sister and her boyfriend. She said she loved the beach so I asked her if she wanted to come along. I was so excited when she said yes! We picked her up and had a really fun day. Most of my other friends were more into sunbathing so I was happy when we got there and she said she just liked to be in the water most of the time. That's what we did. You'd think that ths would be a big bonding moment and that we'd become good friends but no. We were still friends but didn't start hanging out any more than basketball practice etc.

I was busily dating boys all through high school and Kim was another one who didn't seem to date. She once went to a dance with our Basketball coach's son but everyone knew it was just to please the coach. I didn't find out she was into girls till I heard that she was dating the woman who coached her college team. I also thought good for her but in a more melancholy way. When you meet someone when your 11 years old and your just figuring out who you are and how you're going to fit into society it's hard to even think that those excited feelings you eventually have to be near someone, especially of the same sex, are anything other than some strong, strange attraction.

I wouldn't have recongnized Kim if I passed by her on the street but I had seen her picture and knew where to find her. When I came up to say Hi after the game she didn't immediately place me and then said "didn't we play field hockey together?" When I said it was basketball and softball she then remembered other things like where I lived etc. It has been almost 27 years for god's sake.We had a really nice conversation and she thanked me for coming to the game. She said it'd be great if I came to other games as well.

It's funny to think how much influence we all have on each other sometimes without knowing it. I seriously doubt Kim ever had any idea how I felt about her. I wasn't so sure myself. It's only looking back on it that I realized that what was happening then was sexual attraction. If I wasn't so scared I probably would have recognized it for what it was. Maybe... I could have been like Kim and Suzy and done the whole coming out thing in my teens or twenties and not waited till I was 40 something.

Then again, if that all would have happened then I might not have had my fantastic children and I wouldn't be in this incredible situation I am now. I probably would have missed being in love with the most amazing woman ever and also falling for the man she's in love with too. I know it sounds strange from the outside but feels wonderful from the inside, where it counts. I avoided certain feelings when I was younger based on what I was afraid people would think of me and although this particular part of my life is not for regular consumption, I'm not avoiding it either and at some point most of the people I care about will know. They may think I'm a freak but that is their problem not mine.

What a supremely wonderful adventure this life has been. It's nice to look back to learn a few lessons about ourselves but I love my present reality and am looking forward to the future with open arms.