Homesick

Here I am in the place that served as my home for the last six years. Things have changed. I no longer own a part of this home as with the breakup of my marraige it was decided that the house should belong to my ex-husband. He spent way more time here than I did and works in this small town. He refinanced and I got half the equity so it was a fair deal.

The kids can come back to the place that's been their home also for the last six years. Their rooms are exactly the same. The house is basically the same. I didn't even take any furniture so that the big change to their family life might be somewhat lessened with having their physical home stay intact.

This weekend I have driven the kids up here and as I had an appointment in the area today and will celebrate my daughter's birthday with the family tomorrow, I spent last night here and am staying again tonight. The ex and I are on good terms but I feel really homesick to not be here. There is nowhere here that feels like my place. I found myself this morning going to the wrong places in the kitchen trying to find simple things like a glass for my water. It hasn't been long enough for this to happen but I have chalked it up to some kind of disconnection that must have to happen.

Tonight I can't feel settled. I'm now in my son's room cause this was the only place where I could be alone and try to sort things out. I went out for a walk and it was a beautiful moonlit night but I just felt lonely. Tried to call a couple of friends but they were out of reach.

I'm apartment hunting now so I really don't have any place to truly call home. The closest I have is the home of "the one" where I am always welcome. It feels like a warm safe place and I sometimes wish I could live there but this is impossible for now.

I'm grateful to have this blog to go to get things off my chest. I realize I'm bitching and moaning quite a bit here but that's what I need now.

Signing off from one of the most beautiful places you'll ever see. I hope I can appreciate this fact better tomorrow.