Fat

For this post I'm going to copy a revised letter that I'm sending today to by Mom and sister J.
R is my daughter, D is my son and E is my niece (J's 7 year old daughter)

Hey Mom and J,

I really enjoyed our get together yesterday. It was nice talking and laughing with the family.

On the way home, R said something that alarmed me and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. R said that E told her that she thought of herself as fat and that her Mom wants to put her on a diet.

No one, especially a seven year old, should have this kind of pressure. Anorexia and other eating disorders can have their root this way, even in the very simple off-handed ways that those around them relate about this stuff. Also, aside from health problems that can arise when a person is obese, the rest of what constitutes attractiveness weight-wise is cultural bullshit.

If a person is healthy and able to enjoy their life, that is what matters. If there is a health concern or fear that someone is slipping toward a place that is unhealthy, by all means take action to make good food choices and encourage more fun physical activity. Do not use the “weight” word to your children who need to feel good about themselves.

It may seem that I am butting into someplace I shouldn’t, but I love all the kids. R and D do not have to worry about being overweight but they have used the “skinny” word in a negative way and we’ve had some talks about this; about acceptance of themselves and everyone else around them that is not based on looks. Also, I was thin as a kid then started to put on weight later in my teenage years. Looking back I don’t think this was handled properly. I just ended up obsessed with food and my body weight and felt horrible when I didn’t meet some stupid standard that I wrongly had for myself. I even went to an “Over-eaters Anonymous” meeting, which I wish now I would have stayed in but felt too embarrassed, and too much like a loser to continue. At least I would have been given some of the emotional principles that I’m getting now by going to Al-Anon.

What finally got me over this self-loathing and stabilized my weight was when I got pregnant with D and took the focus off me. I just knew I wanted my baby to be as healthy as possible so I ate really well and made sure to get some exercise. I wasn’t worried about getting fatter. Afterwards, these habits continued because I was breastfeeding him and wanted to make sure I was providing good healthy milk. By then those good habits just settled in. I know now when I’ve been eating unhealthy and not getting enough exercise because of how I feel, not how much I weigh.

It’s not just how we talk directly to our kids that’s important. The fact that both of you, Mom and J, are so often talking about how you are overweight, or fat, or need to lose weight, or are going on some diet, or that you really shouldn’t have that second helping…. This is sending messages to all the kids that I’m very uncomfortable with.

I’m asking you to please refrain from this kind of talk around the kids or myself. You can think what you want about yourselves, and take whatever action or inaction you want but I don’t want to hear about how you think you look fat or about any diets that you’re starting or going on etc. I’m serious about this. If you are limiting your food intake (dieting) and you’re around me or the kids just say “no thanks” to offered food but do not refer to any specific diet or how you’re depriving yourself etc. You get the picture. I realize that I make the wrong comments too sometimes, without realizing it right away, but I’m trying to get better.

For what it’s worth, you are both extremely beautiful people and I’m sad that you might possibly be letting a bit of what is referred to as “extra weight” in this screwed up culture get in the way of your happiness or self-worth. If this is what you want for yourselves fine, but let’s be really careful about the kids.

If you slip up I understand. It’s almost become a habit to talk this way. I’ll try to do damage control later. When R told me what E said we had a good long discussion. I’m really not trying to upset you, but I feel very strongly about this.

As for E, she’s not my kid. I have very limited amount of time that I spend with her but I think you need to let her know that she is perfect the way she is. Please tell her not to worry about her weight. You might want to consider telling her you were wrong to give her the impression that she has anything to worry about. Have the whole family start eating healthier and playing more. It’s O.K. to tell her that if she wants an extra snack or something that there are plenty of fruits and veggies for her. It’s fine to limit your kids food choices based on what’s healthy without talking about weight issues.

Thanks for reading this through. Even if you totally disagree with my assessment, I had to let you know about my concerns.

I love you,

A