Dyke Energy

When I entered the wide world of being gay, my world wasn't so wide. I fell in love with em and that was it except for my coming out support group, the occasional Indigo Girls concert and a couple of Pride Festivals. I'd still rather be home with em, cooking dinner together, chatting and hanging out but that is not the reality right now. So my world is expanding. It's an interesting culture.

Last Friday, following the support group, a couple of us decided to go to the local lesbian bar. It's small, has a pool table as the centerpiece, and the patrons are really friendly. It's easy to get conversations started as you watch and play pool. There's a chalkboard on the wall and you put your name on the list if you want to play. The winner stays to play the next on the list.

Skeeter, a very boyish looking girl was there with her girlfriend. Skeeter was fun to talk to. I ended up playing her and our game lasted a fairly long time as neither one of us have a lot of skill. I lost and my friend Anna was up. This really brash, busty, red-haired, feme girl (I think her name is Tamara) starts coming up to Anna and telling her how to shoot. She tells Skeeter that the game is taking too long. Skeeter tells her that it's just for fun and to ease up. Tamara goes back to the bar. Skeeter starts telling those around the table about how this girl is a bitch and stuck up etc. Anna wins and stays on to play Tamara.

Skeeter's not letting it go. She's telling me how "T" is taking this way too seriously for a local hangout blah blah blah. Then T hits her ball in followed by Anna's ball. T goes to shoot again and Skeeter jumps in and says that it's Anna's shot now. T says she's a member of the BCC, or some billiards organization, and she knows the rules. I just keep telling Skeeter to let it go. No, she goes to ask the bartender the rules. T's very butch girlfriend comes up and starts getting in Skeeter's face about "disrespecting her girl." Skeeter flips her off and it now has all the testosterone energy that is seen more often with males.

A bouncer person come in and others have joined in the "let it go" chourus. They both back off. They finish the game with T scratching while attmping to hit the eight ball in. She leaves with her girlfriend to go to a local dance place. I was glad to see them go.

One time my martial arts instructor said if you get a chance to see a street fight to really pay attention cause you'll learn a lot about how it goes down in the real world. I was thinking that I was going to get that chance but I'm really glad it all settled down. I don't like violence at all.

We've dicovered better places to go. There is a big country bar that gives lessons and (mostly) ladies come to dance on Sunday afternoons. This energy is a lot different; a lot less drinking and lesbians and some gay men who are there to dance. I've gone a couple of Sundays and it's been fun. I'm becoming a better dancer. But I still I miss my smaller world.

Out there!

Man! This has been an interesting weekend so far. I think there are three posts from it and Sunday is just getting started. So I don't forget, I got one on seeing two dykes almost get in a fight, another on realizing that even the most capable people are really painfully awkward in some situations and this....

Yesterday I went to a Farmer's Market in a cool area of LA near the beach. I was there to lend support as a volunteer for Equality For All, an organization working to make/keep marraige legal for same-sex couples. (see my last post for details) I got connected with them at the Indigo Girls concert. They had a table and display and I walked up to get info. They said they were asking people to volunteer to go out and get this grass root effort going.

So I show up at the appointed time. Carlos and Moof are there and they work full time for the organization. I'm the only volunteer that shows up. I'm given a clipboard with a script and we run through the proceedure.

First of all I thought we were going to have a booth and interested people would walk up talk to us. No we have to walk up to people and say, "Hi, do you support the freedom to marry for gay and lesbian couples?" If yes then give them such and such vital info and try to get them to volunteer to go out like I am or get a donation. If no just say "Thanks, have a great day!" (or something positive like that)

This was really hard for me but I think this is such an important key issue for so many different reasons that I suck it up and do it.

I'd say more than half were supportive but couldn't help out with time or money. That was OK. I understand that, plus last Thursday they assigned a Proposition number to it so I was able to encourage them to get everyone they know to vote NO on Prop 8. A lot of people thought the State Supreme Court decision made the legality a done deal and they were outraged that the right wing extremeists were fighting so hard to overturn it. The fact is they've already raised over 2 million dollars and have over 100,000 volunteers to help get this thing passed. One person said that 8 would be easy to remember cause it rhymes with "hate." I'll bet that one gets used.

So there were many positive interactions but there were some very negative ones too. We were told not to profile people too much but to go up to as many people as possible. I walked up to this older hispanic woman and said my first line. She stopped, looked at me and said "What?" I repeated myself and she answers, "I'm a Christian." I say many Christians support this right and she says "I go by the Bible!" I thank her and leave and as I'm walking away she's loudly asking me if I've read about Sodom and Gomorah.

One kinda hip looking guys says he supports the freedom to marry. I start to go on and he says "But I don't get homosexuality, I don't get the whole ass hole thing" I'm trying to find my "get out" line and he continues about seeing porn (I'll spare you the details but it didn't have anything to do with homosexuality as far as I could tell) and I just leave saying if you object don't watch it. He clearly wants to engage so again as I'm walking away he's loudly telling me how he saw Tommy Lee masterbating.

Some people took the "ignore her and she'll go away response." I got a few "talk to the hand" gestures. The hardest one was this area where there was this big long newstand in the center of the street. I was across on the sidewalk. Carlos, who had come to find me to see how I was doing, left and talked to someone near the magazines. The owner, or at least the guy working there, comes up to me. I look up in my usual friendly way and he has this complete look of disgust on his face. He says "I want to ask you not to talk to my customers." I say "we're just here asking for support on this issue." He says "I know" in that same disgusted way. I say, "I'm over here on the sidewalk, I think this is fine." He says "Actually the freedom of speech area starts at the end right there but I won't bother you if you stay over here." I say, gulping back all the things I really want to say and remembering the disengage talk we had in our training, "Thanks, I'll let Carlos know too" Ok I get the bothering customers thing. (I wasn't doing it and Carlos had only gone up to one person who seemed to be enjoying the conversation.) I own a business myself but it was the energy of this guy. He was close to seething but I suspect it was more about the issue. He must have heard several of the conversations I was having with people. He knew what our issue was. It pissed him off.

I wanted to walk away and quit. I almost started crying. I tend to get emotional that way when when I feel like I've been treated unfairly. I told Carlos and he smiled so sweetly and said "OK, I didn't know thanks for telling me" and off he went.

I carried on. I decided to use my just "let it go" attitude and remember that I'm doing this more for the people who have lived with shame for their feelings and that when I was younger, if marraige would have been legal for EVERYONE, it would have given my feelings some legitimacy, regardless of the how my family would have reacted. I want us to move as a society to a place of acceptence. My whole life was directed by this disapproval and there has been a LOT of fall out as I'm moving to be true to myself. I got a good dose of putting myself out there and getting a sense of people's reactions. Like I said before, there was definitely more supportive people but a fair amount of disapproval. All in all it was a very eye opening experience.

Letting go, ready to fight, swimming and blondness

I'm a person who may have too many expectations. I expect certain behavior out of others and have a hard time when people don't measure up. Take my family for instance. They freaked out when I told them about my unusual relationship I was in. They refused to invite my significant others to family functions. They basically told me that what I was doing was immoral. I was very angry. I refused to attend most of the "holiday" gatherings. But that was OK because I had a new family.

Now this new family is in a flux. I don't feel like a card carrying member anymore and the other day it hit me. I had no family! I have my kids. I love my kids and we're a family (a pretty darned cool one at that.) But they were gone for the weekend with their father and I felt so alone.

I decided the next day to just let go. I'm trying to let go of the anger and resentment I felt to my family's reactions. I won't forget the lessons I learned and the limitations they place on acceptance, but I'm tired of how this was making me feel inside. I realize that I'm the kind of person who needs to feel like I belong. To feel like I have a solid place within a family structure and I haven't had that for a long time. I know that there is dysfuntion in my family but at the heart of it, we've also had a lot of good times. The kids and I went out to lunch with my parent's today and we all had a great time. I have no control of outside conditions, but I have some control over the conditions within me. You know, my attitude.

In other news, I'm volunteering this Saturday to work with an organization that is trying to gain support and defeat the Gay Marraige Ban that will be on the ballot here in Caifornia in November. The ban would overturn the State Supreme Court ruling making it legal in the state to marry a person of the same sex. It has already gone into effect and I know some people who have gotten married. They were very excited! I don't know if I personally would take advantage of this opportunity some day but I'd like to have that option. It's important to a lot of people. The polls show that it will be pretty close so I'm doing something that I hope will help tip the scales in our favor. If you are a Californian I urge you to Vote NO on this proposition and let the court ruling stand. If you know anyone who lives here it would be great if you could show your support and encourage them also.

Lastly, I'm now in training to do the La Jolla Rough Water Swim in September. It's a mile long! I just started getting in the water this week. It's a different kind of training than I'm used to but with it being so warm around here of late, this seems like a practical and cool way to get some exercise in. It feels good to get into that ocean and let that incredible bouyant feeling come over me, to merge with the water. I guess I swam 6/10's of a mile today and had to switch strokes many times so I have a ways to go but I'm excited. My adventurous friend Karen, who is in her 60's, did it last year and challenged me to join her this year. I enjoy a good physical challenge!

Oh and by the way, I'm a blond now. We'll see if I have more fun!

knock out

I love any reason to dress up. Here's what I wore to my Boot Camp last Halloween. It got me third place in the costume contest behind Little Bo Peep and some strangley put together super hero.

About the black eye.... You should see the other guy!

Winds

The winds blow through
and carries away
that peaceful feeling that felt so solid
just days before

Maybe it's being delivered
to someone who lost their's
some time ago
She is happy to feel it return

And now I wait....