Family Frustrations

This may be my last ditch effort to get my family to understand and try to accept my loving three person relationship that I find myself lucky enough to be in. Father's Day was hard because I decided not to join my parents, sisters and their husbands for a BBQ. They refused to invite my em, eduardo and their kids. It makes them too uncomfortable and they're doubtful this will ever change. Maybe I can let this one go now.

Here's the email I finally got the nerve to send. The names have been changed to maintain the cute blogger monikers we've created. Peace.


Hey All,

I hope you all had a nice Father's Day. Eduardo ended up cooking up some delicious steaks on the BBQ and after I picked up the kids, we all went back for home-made Lemon Merange pie that Em and their kids baked.

I get that you're all having a hard time accepting this relationship. In reality, it's no different than any other commited relationship except that there are three adults involved instead of two. I know the fact that they are "married" is a sticking point for you. With the amount of support and commitment we share, we're all three emotionally "married." We plan to all live together. If I wasn't with them, I'd probably be involved with a woman and we'd be unable to get married anyway. Some have said that if it was just Em, you could accept it easier. So in some of your books, it would be better to, break up an amazingly great relationship to fit this mold. Then I guess I could proudly wear the title "home-wrecker" along with Lesbian.

We're only talking about love here. I love them, they love me, and they love each other. It's the most honest, supportive, caring and emotionally safe relationship I've ever been in. I also love what they bring into my children's life.

But when it comes to you not invititng them along to family get-togethers, I have to remember the Serenity Prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference."

Like I've said to all of you individually, we see this relationship in life long terms. You all say that the idea of bringing them with me makes you uncomfortable. OK so do we avoid this forever in order to avoid being uncomfortable? Is discomfort a good reason to avoid something important? We all feel it and it keeps looming larger the longer we avoid it. Seems to me that this bridge will need to be crossed sooner or later. If I got sick or injured and ended up in the hospital, they would be there and I would want them to be the ones to make any important medical decisions if I couldn't make them myself. (It's important that you all know this and honor this if this situation ever comes up.) What if someone in the family pases away and I need their support at the funeral? Or heaven forbid, if I passed on, I'd also want them to make the arrangements and be there for my kids who they love very much. These seem like less than optimal times for you all to have to be together without much practice.

In this particular culture, this relationship is unusual. Other cultures have no trouble with it. Is this patriarchal society's view the only acceptable way to live?

If love is some finite entity, why do we have more than one child. When you have a second child, does the love of the first get cut in half to make way for the second? No. Love is not a finite resource. Just because most people in this society choose to only be in one loving, intimate adult realtionship at a time does not mean that this three person relationship is impossible, or immoral, or unnatural. In fact statistics prove that between divorces, re-marraiges, affairs, and non-marital relationships, there are very few that fit the "one mate for life" rule. We have always been honest with each other about our feelings and actions. There was NEVER any sneaking around. I realize that this type of honesty is rare.

I would like to be involved with this family but I feel now like I'm in an you or them situation. Eduardo and Em have said to not be concerned with how they'd feel if I decided to go to a family gathering without them. Neither one of them is exactly looking forward to being put in this particular situation. They both encourage me to do what I want without any guilt trips. They love me and want me to do what makes me happy or seems important. So the decisions I make about family gatherings are mine alone. On the other hand, if they were invited, they would come if I told them it was important to me. The would suck it up and venture into this uncomfortable place. That's how much they love me.

I'd like you to seriously think how any of you would feel if you were invited to a gathering but were told to come without your spouse. My situation might be slightly different but the feelings would be very similar. Really think about this. I can't imagine that you'd happily show up alone and not feel some resentment.

You are letting some moralistic rules on relationships keep you from knowing some really great people, not to mention seeing me with the people I love and who are part of the reason that this particular time of my life is the most amazing, joyful and fufilling I've ever experienced. I'm growing in ways that are really hard to imagine. I know and love myself more than ever. Words can not describe how great my life is now. I'm humbled and grateful.

I'm asking you to think about this and try to work through it or at least be willing to put up with some uncomfortable feelings for the sake of allowing me to continue to grow in my relationship with my birth family. I guess we could have our own get together and invite you all to come down here. I did that on Mother's Day when I realized that we weren't leaving for our trip that day. J had already arranged a brunch, so I have no idea if you all would have come or not. We had a really great day!

I was telling the kids, when people tell you things you have three choices: accept what they have to say, reject it, or consider if any part of it could be useful to you. I've got the smallest bit of hope that you at least consider what I'm relating to you all. I also know that I have no control over what anyone else does. This is out of my hands. All I can do is pray that it works out the way it's supposed to. I have no expectations that this letter will make any difference whatsoever. I just needed to share this with you.

I still love you all,

Anabel