Where did that come from?

My dream life has been pretty vivid and strange lately as you well know if you read my "Dick on Fire" post. This last thing came from that place between being awake and asleep.

My daughter and I were snuggled up under a blancket on the couch watching "Buckaroo Bonsai." I kept drifting off so I finally asked if she was into the movie. "Not so much" was her reply. So we turned it off and I said I just wanted to lay down on the couch and go to sleep. I didn't want to get up and go to bed.

So then I suddenly say, "Hey daughter? (replacing her true name, I don't refer to her this way) She says "Yeah?" Then I stop and say "oh nevermind, I must be almost asleep cause what I was about to say doesn't make sense" She asked what it was.

I told her I was about to give her some sage advice: "Be careful if you step out of your body not to trip on your brain." Where the hell did that come from? Yet it started a cool discussion with her the next day on Astral Projection. It seems she experiences something very similar to this when she goes to her place of creativity. She's an artist.

Maybe that statement is something I need to store away for future use.

The other strange thing is that I fell asleep with a light jacket on and when I woke up the next morning, I was not wearing the jacket but instead it was on top of the regular blanket that I had pulled over me before going to sleep. I'm a very light, aware sleeper so this puzzled me. Neither my son or daugter covered me up - I checked.

Strange goings on around me. So exciting!!

Green-Eyed monster

Here's one of the challanges to being in a three person relationship. Jealousy. It crops up from time to time for me. When I look at the situation rationally, I can break it down into parts and see that it doesn't hold up to scrutiny. But as Em says, feelings aren't always rational.

Em and Eduardo are together tonight. It's likely that they're making love. Em and I were together last night. It was amazing! I've never experienced the emotional, physical and sexual yearnings with anyone like I do with her. Probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was attracted to women my whole life but never got to experience this until Em and I got together. This was three years ago. I'm 45 now so this is kinda late to have those intense teenage first love feelings. I don't want to fall into that relationship breaking possesive thing. They truely love each other. They are great together. When the three of us are together I get to experience the way they relate to each other in a sexual way and it's beautiful; not to mention hot, hot, hot.

I guess I'm feeling left out tonight. I wish I was there with them. Just as I have an absolute need to have one on one time with Em, she and Eduardo need time alone as well. That emotional connection is important.

This is still the relationship I want to be in. I can't imagine anyone else that I'd have as much fun, laughter, emotional support, great conversations and true growth oportunities with. It's just that it's sometimes hard for me to go from that intensely close, great sex, hold each other all night scene to sleeping completely alone. It's probably not helping that I just started my moon time. Emotions get magnified this first day.

From what I've read on the subject, pretending those jealous feelings don't exist doesn't help. I've talked to both of them about this and now I'm sharing it here. I know that they love me. Most of the time I feel true joy when I think of them together. I'm just not in that place tonight.

I'm heading off alone to my airplane bed, no co pilot(s) (Big Chill reference.) The three of us may take in a movie tomorrow night.

BTW, my kids and I tried to watch "Time Bandits" I didn't make it through, they kind of did, but floated in and out of the room at times. We were expecting more comedy so we found it a bit boring. Night!

Likes and Dislikes

I decided to play Anne's game. She randomly picked a letter for me to write a list of ten things I like and dislike that starts with the letter E
OK here goes:

Em - well, I'm crazy in love with her.
Eduardo - might seem crazy, but I love him bigtime too
Encyclopedias - I used to get lost in them as a kid when looking anything up
Eggs - scrambled being my favorite
Enchiladas - yummy
Electricity - the room is light and I'm using my computer
Earth - our home
Evenings - especially balmy ones like tonight
Eating - good food
Etheridge - Melissa, great performer

Dislikes

Evil - a matter of opinion of course
Earaches - in me or ones I love
Ego - I'm doing serious battle with it
Elitists - stuck up snobs
The Excorcist - That movie scared the crap out of me
Excrement - Stepping in it barefoot
Ex- friends - The judgemental, self righteous ones
Expenses - like insurance, taxes etc.
Execution - I'm against the death penalty
Executive Orders - From that idiot in the White House

This was much harder than I thought it would be!

Freedom

I was going through a box of old pictures and memories and came across a book that I read over 20 years ago. I had forgotten all about it. It's called "How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World" by Harry Browne.

Sometimes books, people, shows, songs, bumper stickers etc., come along right at the time when we need them most. I'm soaking up the concepts of this book. So much of it makes sense in that way that you say to yourself, "Hey, everyone knows that" but then we realize that we don't really know it deep down; in a way that affects the way we are living our life. Although I do not agree with every senence he's written here, it's helping me to coalesce what I want for my life and helping me realize that I'm the only one responsible for getting it.

Here's a quote from the book.

"A free person doesn't try to remake the world or his friends or his family. He merely appraises every situation by a single standard: Is this what I want for myself? If it isn't he looks elsewhere. If it is he relaxes and enjoys it - without the problems other people take for granted"

He talks about different traps we often fall into such as The Identity Trap, The Intellectual and Emotional Trap, The Morality Trap and, of great importance to me, The Unselfish Trap. I'm only half way through the book. It's been hard to put down.

Freedom is this word that means different things to different people. I'm starting to understand that we are only as free as we let ourselves be and that often we are also the ones who put ourselves in prison.

Or to quote a line from the Eagle's song, "Already Gone"

"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"