Out to Jane

Jane, em and I all became friends at roughly the same time. We had a few things in common and would all hang out together occasionally. I developed romantic feelings for em which had no effect on our friendship with Jane since no one knew about it except me.

Jane is a really interesting person. She's a bit rough around the edges but has this big heart. She sometimes rubs people the wrong way because she says the first thing that pops into her head. She's full of self doubt, generosity, love, intelligence,and passion. Get her and em started on a political discussion and they leave me in the dust. They know all the back stories, names, and events that have lead us to whatever present situation we're talking about. I learn so much being around them. We haven't spend much time together in quite a while

Jane is also very intuitive. When the secret love was first blooming between em and I she seemed to be picking up something although I don't think she ever put it together. On our very first date, em and I got dressed up and went to a small intimate restaurant. We were standing there waiting for a table holding hands and feeling kind of shy (at least I was.) Someone who worked there had to get by us carrying ice so we reluctantly let go of each others hand. A few moments later we hear "What are you guys doing here?" I knew it was Jane even before we turned around. My stomach tied up in knots. We chatted a bit but there was this feeling of being "caught." They called us for our table. This great first date had been transformed to something else. "What were the odds of running into Jane? How hurt do you think she is? Is she still here? Where is she sitting? Do you think she knows? Should we hold hands across the table? She must be gone, right?"

I'm thinking of Jane today because for the second year in a row Jane's family, the kids and I, and em and her kids (eduardo has to work this year) are spending the Thanksgiving holiday picnicing on a bluff above the ocean. Jane still doesn't know about the relationship between em, eduardo and I. By Jane's own admission, she is a horrible secret keeper so as the slow coming out process has gone forward we have not revealed this to Jane. Em and I decided it was time to tell her and em wanted to be the one to do it. We wanted this to happen before today but the busy-ness of life got in the way and when we saw that it was just days before this event we both felt it best to wait till later. She may have some big feelings about this.

Anyway, I'm going to miss having eduardo with us but in a sense this day might be easier for me without him there. What's hard for me is when the three of us are at some gathering where people don't know about the love between all of us. In this particular case it would be hard to pretend to be the lone single person with two other "couples." It's especailly hard when we're in this situation and I see em and eduardo holing hands or with their arms around each other or in any way showing the love they have for each other. I sometimes feel left out and lonely, like this I'm the dirty little secret. What's interesting is that when we're not in secret mode I absolutely love seeing these loving expressions and I can express myself in similar ways. As more people know, this will become less of an issue and we realize that when Jane knows it's possible that she may contribute to the "coming out" process but we're ready to take our chances with this. Most of the significant people in out lives know anyway.

Pies are baked, potatoes are being scrubbed and peeled by my son as I write, the weather looks good. Should be a good day.

UPDATE: We all went back to Jane's house for tea and coffee. Em and the kids had to leave after a short while to bake a pie and take it to eduardo at work. Jane and I were alone in the kitchen and she asked if I was seeing anyone. I just kind of laughed an said I couldn't say cause she can't keep a secret. She asked if I was "getting any." I told her "yes." She said "good for you, but the kids don't know, right?" I said "No, the kids know." She asked "Where did you meet him?" I say, "It's not a him" ( I thought to say "it's a them" but didn't) She looked surprised, "Ohh! That's great! Thanks for sharing that with me." There were other questions that I couldn't answer so after getting the go-a-head from em on the phone, I told Jane the whole story.

She was relieved and very supportive and knew something was up. She also said she had been hurt when we stopped hanging out with her so much. She thinks she can keep a secret this big and figures it must be pretty hard to be in a three person relationship.

This was a big relief for me. I didn't know how she would react but it went really well.
Another hurtle in the coming out process complete.