Jazz Sweet Jazz Oh Yeah

Probably I'm the last one to figure this out but Jazz is amazingly sexy music. Son is in a History of Jazz class and so were listening to a lot of it right now. It occured to me today that good Jazz has many elements that make for great sex.

The groove gets your body moving, some of those solos can sound like someone whispering soft things in your ear. The songs get louder, softer, alternating intensity and mellowness. The intricacies of the beat, base lines, vocals and they way the whole thing magically hangs together is amazing. Just when you think you can anticipate what the next measure will bring, you're often in for a surprise. The players seems to be so involved with the music that it becomes part of them and they're just playing with all this sexual energy that spills out into their instruments and voices and the listener is carried along with it.

I'm not always the most observant person alive but man-o-man how did this ever escape me until now?

Out to Jane

Jane, em and I all became friends at roughly the same time. We had a few things in common and would all hang out together occasionally. I developed romantic feelings for em which had no effect on our friendship with Jane since no one knew about it except me.

Jane is a really interesting person. She's a bit rough around the edges but has this big heart. She sometimes rubs people the wrong way because she says the first thing that pops into her head. She's full of self doubt, generosity, love, intelligence,and passion. Get her and em started on a political discussion and they leave me in the dust. They know all the back stories, names, and events that have lead us to whatever present situation we're talking about. I learn so much being around them. We haven't spend much time together in quite a while

Jane is also very intuitive. When the secret love was first blooming between em and I she seemed to be picking up something although I don't think she ever put it together. On our very first date, em and I got dressed up and went to a small intimate restaurant. We were standing there waiting for a table holding hands and feeling kind of shy (at least I was.) Someone who worked there had to get by us carrying ice so we reluctantly let go of each others hand. A few moments later we hear "What are you guys doing here?" I knew it was Jane even before we turned around. My stomach tied up in knots. We chatted a bit but there was this feeling of being "caught." They called us for our table. This great first date had been transformed to something else. "What were the odds of running into Jane? How hurt do you think she is? Is she still here? Where is she sitting? Do you think she knows? Should we hold hands across the table? She must be gone, right?"

I'm thinking of Jane today because for the second year in a row Jane's family, the kids and I, and em and her kids (eduardo has to work this year) are spending the Thanksgiving holiday picnicing on a bluff above the ocean. Jane still doesn't know about the relationship between em, eduardo and I. By Jane's own admission, she is a horrible secret keeper so as the slow coming out process has gone forward we have not revealed this to Jane. Em and I decided it was time to tell her and em wanted to be the one to do it. We wanted this to happen before today but the busy-ness of life got in the way and when we saw that it was just days before this event we both felt it best to wait till later. She may have some big feelings about this.

Anyway, I'm going to miss having eduardo with us but in a sense this day might be easier for me without him there. What's hard for me is when the three of us are at some gathering where people don't know about the love between all of us. In this particular case it would be hard to pretend to be the lone single person with two other "couples." It's especailly hard when we're in this situation and I see em and eduardo holing hands or with their arms around each other or in any way showing the love they have for each other. I sometimes feel left out and lonely, like this I'm the dirty little secret. What's interesting is that when we're not in secret mode I absolutely love seeing these loving expressions and I can express myself in similar ways. As more people know, this will become less of an issue and we realize that when Jane knows it's possible that she may contribute to the "coming out" process but we're ready to take our chances with this. Most of the significant people in out lives know anyway.

Pies are baked, potatoes are being scrubbed and peeled by my son as I write, the weather looks good. Should be a good day.

UPDATE: We all went back to Jane's house for tea and coffee. Em and the kids had to leave after a short while to bake a pie and take it to eduardo at work. Jane and I were alone in the kitchen and she asked if I was seeing anyone. I just kind of laughed an said I couldn't say cause she can't keep a secret. She asked if I was "getting any." I told her "yes." She said "good for you, but the kids don't know, right?" I said "No, the kids know." She asked "Where did you meet him?" I say, "It's not a him" ( I thought to say "it's a them" but didn't) She looked surprised, "Ohh! That's great! Thanks for sharing that with me." There were other questions that I couldn't answer so after getting the go-a-head from em on the phone, I told Jane the whole story.

She was relieved and very supportive and knew something was up. She also said she had been hurt when we stopped hanging out with her so much. She thinks she can keep a secret this big and figures it must be pretty hard to be in a three person relationship.

This was a big relief for me. I didn't know how she would react but it went really well.
Another hurtle in the coming out process complete.

Wearing a Tie

When I was in first or second grade, I decide to join up with the Girl Scout brigade. It only lasted one year. This age group was known as Brownies. Now why would a major Tom Boy like me want to have anything to do with something like this? That's easy; it was the tie. I loved wearing that orange neck tie. I even put up with the stupid brown dress to have it. I also thought they were going to do cool Boy Scout type things like camping. But no, not even one backyard tent sleepover.

I remember making pot holders once. The stitches in mine were at least one inch long. I was the first one finished. What a bore! But I digress...

Why am I thinking about this? Funny you should ask. I was watching an episode of "The L Word." There is this great character named Shane who sometimes wears neck ties. It looks so hot! It made me think about these pin stripe pants I have with suspenders, a pin stripe vest, tuxedo shirt, and yes, you guessed it, a red bow tie. I love when I get the opportunity to wear that. Then I thought about my Brownie outfit and realized this has been with me a long time. I might just have to explore this tie thing a bit more; maybe add a few to my extensive wardrobe.

I don't know if I could get em to wear one. She'd look smokin' hot. Hmm, couldn't hurt to ask.

Sorting stuff out

Been keeping to myself lately. Figuring some things out about myself. Starting to work the program. Self discovery. Pretty fucking incredible. Here's a bit of an email I just sent to em.

Anyway, sometimes it's felt lately like I'm being taken apart and put back together. It's a little unsettleing but I love the way parts of me seem to fit better; getting more aligned or something. It also seems like spaces are being made in me that are allowing for some incredible feelings to manifest. It seems really expansive. I'm finding I love and respect myself more than I ever have but not in an ego based way.

This is a bit hard to put into words but somehow important for me to record. That's all for now.