Where I get to take control.

Are they just threats from people kicking and screaming over changes they don't understand? It's hard to know. I guess I'll be finding out soon.

My Martial Arts school has been undergoing some changes. The name was changed. The school itself was updated with new floors, paint, equiptment etc. Then when I started discussing these changes with my instructor and the man who started this school, Mr. G suggested making a change that he had been thinking about for a long time; a designation between students who earn their Black belt when they are very young and those closer to adulthood. Most schools have a Jr. Black Belt program. Either that or they do not even let the younger students even test for their Black Belt till they are 16 or 18 years old.

So I introduced this concept this week to the students and parents at the school. There has been a bit of a backlash. One parent took me aside and basically said he has been talking to some other parents who feel the same way - that introducing the title Jr. Black Belt to represent those under 16 who pass the test is akin to nullifying the whole experience. Not only that, if certain changes aren't made "they" might just quit the school.

I kept it together while being told this but 15 minutes later I lost it, went into my office and burst into tears. I hate disappointing people. It's this illness I have and the thought that a bunch of people are angry with me for doing something I truly believe in is heartbreaking for me. Em happened to be at the school and came to my office after I disappeared. She helped talk me through it and offered her support. I was so grateful to her for being there for me.

Today I'm just kinda pissed off. Even though it's Sunday and I usually don't work, I spent the whole afternoon putting up banners, window signs, and Christmas lights to attract new students. I've also been thinking about how I'm going to handle this situation in the best way possible. I'm going to try to make them understand the benefits to the students, our school and the style itself. If they still want to walk fine. I will learn a good lesson in standing up for what I believe even if others disagree and even if that translates to losing some students/income.

This people pleasing thing runs deep for me. I was telling em and eduardo after dinner tonight that I feel like I was brainwashed as a kid. Other people's approval became extremely important to me. This is one of the reason's that I never considered coming out and tried to rationalize away my attraction to women for all but the last four years. This is a core issue for me and I'm being given the opportunity to learn this in several places in my life. It sucks, but here goes!