Immature and Rebellious

It's been a weird week. I'm so emotionally up and down it's fucking crazy. I just feel like doing something that would be totally unexpected and removed from my normal behavior. I don't know - like get a tattoo, shave my hair off, buy a Harley, or run off with my kids to Hawaii and let the school fend for itself.

I'm tired of worrying about fucking money, running the fucking school, cleaning the fucking house, organizing my fucking brief case, and paying the fucking bills. I look at my kids and think "I want to be you." I'm also tired of avoiding all these things because I prefer to be organized and productive. I feel overwhelmed. When I try to make time for myself I feel bored and listless.

Then I think about those people who really have it rough. Dealing with illness, death of a family member or are out on the street. Really what do I have to be complaining about. Hell, what are you supposed to do? Pretend or sweep your feelings under the rug because there's always people that are way worse off than you?

I'd love to get laid. Nothing like some hot, screaming sex to change one's mood. Barring that, probably the best thing is to get on your blog, get it off your chest, and move on. Guess that's what I'll do.

Guess what came out of my nose!

I thought I had a cold. It was strange though because it came on very suddenly and seemed to effect one nostril only. Also my nose would completely stop running for hours at a time then suddenly I was sneezy and drippy, then nothing again.

This was weird. Then today, I'm blowing my one nostril and of course I look at the Kleenex before throwing it away. (I don't think I'm the only one who does this.) Anyway, I look down and there's this huge burr there surrounded by snot. You know, the long narrow kind you have to pick out of your socks after walking through a weedy patch. It sort of looked like a small fish bone. Yuck!

Then I remembered that last Sunday, Em and I and some others were working at clearing out the yard of a spiritual woman who wants to build a sweat lodge in her backyard. At one point I was breaking up some tree cuttings and felt something fly up into my nose. I snorted and picked but didn't get anything of any significance out so I thought it must have been a bunch of dust. It felt big though and I do believe I was inhailing at the time.

So for five days this thing has been irritating my sinuses, trying to work it's way out. That was a good 6 hours ago and shazam! no more cold.

This was my most productive thing I did today. I was hard on the case to tie up some loose ends with changing back to my maiden name including a trip to the DMV. I was spinning my wheels at every turn. It sucks to be trying hard and not accomplishing anything...except for dislodging a foriegn item from my nose.

The Saga Continues

Here's one possible response. I was hoping for some feedback before I send it.

Dear Family,

It’s hard to know where to start. Disappointed does not even begin to cut it. I’ve been alternately crying with sadness and spitting-nails-angry for the last two days. Right before I read Mom’s reply, I called J to see how the move was going and offer to help. By the end of what started as a pleasant conversation, she was telling me that she sees Dad taking nerve pills and that it is my fault. When I pointed out to her that Dad has a nerve disease, she said that stress triggers it and I’m the source of his stress. The call ended quickly at this point. Then I saw that Mom had responded.

It would be so easy for me to take almost any sentence of the reply that Mom sent and point out the manipulation, guilt projection, hypocrisy, bigotry, inconsistency, meanness, or misrepresentation of some point that I was trying to get across to you. The dysfunction of this family is truly amazing but I know that none of you see it.

Is this how you all feel? No one but Mom has responded. No one answered the question of how they’d feel if they were invited to some gathering but told they could not bring their spouse. Someone answer the damn question, please!

This is really an age-old battle for acceptance. Remember when marrying someone outside your faith was grounds for disownment from your family? Do you all know that inter-racial marriage was against the law until 1967? I’m sure many of the early pioneers had interactions with their families similar to what I’m experiencing with you and that it still continues to this day. I know that most gay people deal with family unacceptance more often than not. I go to a "Coming Out" support group and the hurt that gets expressed here is heart wrenching. I just wasn’t prepared for getting this from you.

I now know why I didn’t come out when I was 20!

This could easily end being a ten-page letter but I don’t think anything I say will make any difference.

I want to spend the holidays with people who love me unconditionally and accept me for all that I am. You want 4-6 days a year with the kids and me? Fine. It’s just not likely to happen on the holidays.

This whole thing does not negate how grateful I feel for all the love and support I’ve gotten from you in the past. Putting me through college, allowing me to participate in all those sports, being there for me when I was sick and at the kids births, just to mention a few. Its all there, easily accessible, but I’m not going to change who I am and who I choose to love for your approval. I’m also not going to show up at family functions and pretend to be happy that my life partners are unwelcome. I’ll also be there if anyone is seriously sick, or if the cousins want to visit, or if you need help from me etc.

Was it that bad talking with Em when you ran into her at the studio? What about helping Eduardo and I load the TV and cabinet into his truck? Seeing you together on those two occasions gave me hope. But clearly this was misplaced.

I prayed hard about this. I pray now for the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

Anabel