Evolving....

Haven't posted in forever. Not sure why I'm here now exactly.

I'm evolving I suppose. Still trying to figure out what I am supposed to learn from my 8 plus year relationship with em that ended some months ago. I will always love her deeply and I thought we would remain friends but she has cut me out of her life. This saddens me as there was much that I enjoyed about her/us that go beyond the bounds of a physically intimate relationship. I respect her need for distance though. It might be the best thing for both of us. I am not smart enough to know.

I sometimes wonder if we will both evolve somehow and get to the point where the places that we struggled with so hard would become something that could be managed. She felt that I was trying to control her (which she related to possible life long trust issues on her part) and I felt would she would seldom compromise her position, even when I felt strongly about something. It felt like I was the flexible one until I couldn't bend any more.

I have been meditating every day and reading a lot of spiritual books that include Buddhist philosophy. The idea of unconditional love seems like the place I need to evolve too. It makes so much sense! If I had totally loved em without conditions then many of our struggles would not have taken place or I wouldn't have let them pull me into that mind/ego space where battles take place.But then again, there might just be places where our different ways of looking at life may be too much to overcome. Letting go and moving forward while staying present - that's my focus now.

But now I know that I have to feel really solid love within myself. Once I can love myself and be happy in my own life then I will be in a better position walk beside someone in a balanced way.

Sometimes my heart just feels like it's bursting with the beauty that I feel in and around me. This is a nice place to find myself. My life seems calm and full of joy more often than not.

Still not sure why I am revisiting my old blog. I guess it's like a diary. I can look back and remember some past events but I do not wish to dwell there too long. I am trying to live life in the present. All we ever have is now and I am grateful for each moment.

Fighting Guilt

You know... I try hard not to beat myself up over things I have no control of. Sometimes though, I can look back and wonder what would have (or wouldn't have) happened if I had done something differently. If I could take back a statement made in innocence - if I had just listened to that part of my brain that said "This is too scary to share so just shut up" and not that other part of my brain that said "What!? Are you going to give in to that fear? This is about being honest and isn't that the best way?"

Yeah, maybe that first part of my brain was the sane one; the one I should have listened too. I feel strongly (aka great hope attached to diligent prayer) that things will work out in the long run but now, in this moment, I see pain and anger and suffering and confusion. On my good days I see growth and opportunity and love and power. I never meant for any of this to happen. I know I wasn't alone in bringing us all to this particular place. If I had possessed a crystal ball, I probably would have kept my mouth shut - kept these powerful feelings to myself as I had done for most of my life. I'm saying this now, without the aid of that magical instrument, so maybe if I could see even further into the future I'd have done it all the same way.

I guess it's better not to know. We can only do the best we can, which looks different on any particular day. I am very sorry for the pain my actions have caused. It was totally unintentional.

Swine Flu

The kids and I have been sick the past few days. Coughing, congestion, headaches, body aches and fever. My daughter woke up this morning with her chest hurting from so much coughing so she decided to take a shower. Her legs were shaky so she decided to take a bath instead. When she got out she got dizzy and sat down and asked me to help her to the couch. She ended up fainting briefly. That was scary. I took her to the urgent care. She's fine. The Dr said she was probably dehydrated and that the bath made her more so, (we'd all been drinking water/juice like crazy but he said you need to drink way more than you think) That and the fact that her appetite has been down and she hasn't eaten as much as usual. Anyway I thought I'd pass on the bath info.

He said he's sure it's the swine flu. We could have taken a test but he said that everyone with these symptoms are coming back positive. He said it's VERY contagious and that you get it 1-3 days after exposure so the kids may have gotten it from me. He said you are contagious until 24 hours after the last sign of fever and that the cough/congestion can linger for a couple of weeks. Signs that it's serious are more that 5 days with any fever or if you seem to recover for a while then relapse.

Anyway, since it seems like I know more people who are sick than well right now I figured I'd let you know what we found out.

Girl Power!

I taught a self defense class to a group of jr. high school age Girl Scouts tonight. They started out pretty hyper but really got into it. I loved seeing them settle down, soak in the information, co-operate in doing the drills - even the difficult ones, and start to learn what it feels like to be assertive and, when needed, aggressive.

I like knowing that they are now walking in this world in a more aware, safe and empowered way.

hacker smoker guy

I've lived in this apartment for over a year and a half. It's been hard getting used to the noise around here. We're right above a church parking lot and close to a busy street. The sound seems to reverberate and get funneled into our open windows. We've all gotten fairly used to it.

About six months ago we started getting awakened most mornings between 5 and 5:30 a.m. to this horrible noise. Some man who lives in the board and care home next door comes out and starts hacking and coughing so badly that it wakes us all up from a sound sleep. I usually close the window then and it's a bit muffled but still really annoying and once I go through the process of closing the window I'm awake enough that it's hard for me to get back to sleep. Don't get me wrong - I feel really sorry for the guy. He seriously sounds like his lungs are going to be ejected from his mouth!

I've called the facility and they moved the table he would sit at about 15 feet away. He still stands near the fence, right under our place. I tried calling several times but it's seems to be getting worse. I finally called the police and they said they couldn't do anything because it's not intentional such as playing music or talking loudly.

I went to the place personally today and talked to the owner who just happened to be there. She said that she wants good relations with the neighbors and they have addressed it with this man but that this is a place for mentally disabled people and they have an open door policy and that smoking is their happiness and that they don't allow them to smoke inside so they go out the first thing when they wake up and when they've mentioned it to him he'll say yes to moving farther away but then go to the same spot anyway. Even when he's at the table it still wakes us up.

I told her to try again and just ask him to move farther away (they have this huge long driveway)

I've been thinking about moving. I miss the beach community that I lived at before here. I looked at this great place less then a block from the ocean. You could see the beach from the kitchen. I had an appointment to show it to the kids last Sunday but they both said that they thought that they'd rather wait till the end of their college semester. After last night, and hearing what the police and owner had to say on the matter, they might have changed their minds. I'm hoping to take them this Sunday to look at it if it's not already been rented.

In other news, I've completed the last assignment for the sheriff's deputy job. I had medical tests yesterday. I passed all the tests that they had immediate results for- hearing, vision, EKG etc. The drug test should be a gimme since I don't go there at all. I'm waiting for the final, official results but it seems to be looking pretty good right now.

Psych Review

I just got back from my oral pychological interview as part of the process of getting hired as a sheriff's deputy. I started this road last November and I'm down to the last hurdle which is a medical exam next week.

I was told by the psychologist that he thinks I would make a great deputy. He's been evaluating for 28 years so he says he speaks from experience. That was a pretty big shot in the arm because I've been wondering if I'm possibly too sensitive for this job. He said on the written psych score I scored highest in the "socially bold" category and that on another portion, it seems I have a strong ego that is well balanced. (He said it's not in that egotistical way but in a confidant way.)

He said that I'm really smart and suggested that I use the time that I work custody (jail) and get my masters and said he thinks I should also go for a PhD.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. (Go figure!) Maybe this is the right career track for me or at least an experience that fits my adventurous personality. I'm thinking I should give it a shot as long as I pass the medical tests. Wow, this could be MAJOR!

Pirates!

Arrrr Matey's! Today be national "Talk Like A Pirate Day." Suddenly I be feelin' like some grog. Aye!

I be shoving off from this port to the mountains for four days of hikin', socializin' and general revelry!