Evolving....

Haven't posted in forever. Not sure why I'm here now exactly.

I'm evolving I suppose. Still trying to figure out what I am supposed to learn from my 8 plus year relationship with em that ended some months ago. I will always love her deeply and I thought we would remain friends but she has cut me out of her life. This saddens me as there was much that I enjoyed about her/us that go beyond the bounds of a physically intimate relationship. I respect her need for distance though. It might be the best thing for both of us. I am not smart enough to know.

I sometimes wonder if we will both evolve somehow and get to the point where the places that we struggled with so hard would become something that could be managed. She felt that I was trying to control her (which she related to possible life long trust issues on her part) and I felt would she would seldom compromise her position, even when I felt strongly about something. It felt like I was the flexible one until I couldn't bend any more.

I have been meditating every day and reading a lot of spiritual books that include Buddhist philosophy. The idea of unconditional love seems like the place I need to evolve too. It makes so much sense! If I had totally loved em without conditions then many of our struggles would not have taken place or I wouldn't have let them pull me into that mind/ego space where battles take place.But then again, there might just be places where our different ways of looking at life may be too much to overcome. Letting go and moving forward while staying present - that's my focus now.

But now I know that I have to feel really solid love within myself. Once I can love myself and be happy in my own life then I will be in a better position walk beside someone in a balanced way.

Sometimes my heart just feels like it's bursting with the beauty that I feel in and around me. This is a nice place to find myself. My life seems calm and full of joy more often than not.

Still not sure why I am revisiting my old blog. I guess it's like a diary. I can look back and remember some past events but I do not wish to dwell there too long. I am trying to live life in the present. All we ever have is now and I am grateful for each moment.