Big Talk with Parents

Last Sunday evening, I followed through with something that was weighing heavy on my mind. I came out to my parents as being in love with em and eduardo. I was very nervous about this but felt strongly that I wanted them to know what is happening in my life. I love my parents very much although I have realized that our upbringing wasn’t perfect. My sisters and I did everything in our power never to disappoint them, even if it meant hiding our feelings or lying about important things going on in our lives that we knew they might disapprove of. I was the best at this and thus took on the “perfect child” persona.

In a post earlier, I copied the email I sent to them explaining that I am bi-sexual. I also posted their response. They still loved me. But as em posted recently, there’s a big difference between telling them about your feelings and bringing your partner(s) over for Sunday dinner.

I started at the beginning, telling my parents my story about how I’d find myself attracted to a woman, but felt that she’d kick me out of her life if she knew about the romantic attraction. These women usually ended up being my good friends and after those initial lustful feelings died down or, more accurately, got buried, I had some really special friendships. I told them about my attraction for em and how this was the strongest attraction I had ever felt in my life; my confusion and struggle when I learned she was bi-sexual; my disclosure to her about my feelings and finding out she felt the same; the way we went to our husbands and that they were both seemingly O.K. with us pursuing a relationship, the eventual pairing up of my then husband with another woman with my own blessing, the break up of my marriage, the way em and I went into friendship mode and how she encouraged me to try to work things out with my husband; her emotional support throughout the divorce and us waiting until it was final before seriously considering if we should continue our relationship, my eventual loving feelings for eduardo and how we all see this in life long terms.

Mom was quiet, with a super focused squinted-eye look. She was taking it all in. Dad was quiet but not looking at me; listening attentively. Mom asked a question or two without interrupting the flow of my confession. Dad waited till the end and asked, “So, you’re in love with both of them?” I answered “yes.” Mom admitted to wondering about what it would be like to be with a woman and said her best friend had joked round about it but my Mom thought she was half serious. Dad said, “What are you talking about?” Mom said “You know, I told you this about L.” (this amused me very much) We also talked about the kids and I reassured them that we’d talked to a therapist for advice on if, when and how to tell them.

I finally said, “I don’t have anything more to say.” My Mom said, “You’re my girl and I love you.” My Dad said he was going up to bed. I asked if I could have a hug and he said, “Of course you can!” He gave me a big hug and told me he loved me. This meant a lot to me. My Dad and I are very close and I want to keep it this way, but I am not willing to pretend or hide a huge part of my life to be assured his love. Apparently I don’t have to.

The next day my Mom revealed some very private things to me that helped me realize that she understood part of my situation well. They both went out of their way to see to it that I got a good breakfast the next morning. It was very sweet to see them using these actions to show that all was well and that they still cared for me.

If I had been able to plan the best reaction I could imagine to this unusual news that I imparted to them, I couldn’t have come up with anything better than this. If em and eduardo and their kids were to come for Sunday dinner this week, I’m sure that my folks would do their best to make them feel welcome. Not that it wouldn’t be a bit awkward, but they’d welcome my new extended family, especially because they know that I love them.